بدأت مسيرتي العلمية والدراسية بعد انتهائي من الصف العاشر الأساسي عام 2003، وقد كنت اعمل في كراج صيانة الشاحنات، وكان عمري عندها لا يتجاوز 16 عاما، فانتسبت لمؤسسة التدريب المهني لمدة عاميين، تلقيت تعليمي من خلال التدريب المهني وكان تخصصي ميكانيك الشاحنات والحافلات. عملت خلال هذين العامين في كراجات الصيانة، بحيث كنت أتلقى تعليمي النظري ثلاثة أيام بالأسبوع، حصلت على شهادة من مؤسسة التدريب المهني بتخصص صيانة الشاحنات والحافلات وحصلت على رخصة مزاولة المهنة بهذا التخصص. وبعد انخراطي في الشركات الخاصة ومراكز صيانة السيارات , و انخراطي في مجتمع (أبناء الكراجات ) اللذين لايعرفون الا الشتم والتوبيخ والضرب , فقررت ترك تلك المنطقة المليئة بالأوبئة البشرية الذين لا يعرفون معنى الرحمة والإنسانية .

عملت بعدها في احدى معسكرات الجيش العربي ( مشاغل الصيانة ) 2006 وكان لقبي الوظيفي (مستخدم مدني ) فتعرفت اثناء عملي على المهندسين وأصحاب العقول النيرة. وبعد عدة اشهر بدأ المهندسين بتقديم النصائح والتوجيهات لي بأن أكمل مسيرتي العلمية لما اكتشفوه بداخلي من حب لهذا التخصص في ميكانيكا السيارات. فعدت من جديد للدراسة وتقدمت لامتحانات الثانوية العامة، وأنا على رأس عملي في مشاغل الصيانة، حيث كنت اعمل في النهار وادرس ليلا” بعد العودة من عملي
رغم الصعوبات التي واجهتها تلك الأيام لكني لم أتوقف يوما” عن تحقيق طموحي وحلمي، فاجتزت امتحانات الثانوية العامة 2007وبحمد الله نجحت بمعدل 66.8 ولولا ظروفي في تلك الأيام لكان تقديري ومعدلي اعلي من ذلك.

بعد ذلك سجلت في برنامج الدبلوم في كلية الهندسة التكنولوجية (البوليتكنك) في تخصص ميكانيك المركبات وقبلت في البرنامج التنافسي وكانت رسوم ساعتي 7 دنانير فقط ، لذلك استمررت في العمل أثناء الدراسة، حيث كنت احتاج لعمل يسد متطلبات رسوم الدراسة، فعملت في احد معامل توزيع مواد البناء في تحميل وتنزيل المواد ، وكانت دراستي في الكلية مسائية رغم هذه المعاناة كان ترتيبي على مستوى الكلية في تخصصي المرتبة ( الثانية ) وبفضل الله تعالى اجتزت مرحلة الدبلوم وحصلت على شهادة الدبلوم في عام 2009

تقدمت بطلب توظيف لأحدى شركات السيارات في عام 2009 , وكان دوامي في الشركة في الشفت الليلي وحينها قررت أن أتقدم لامتحان الشهادة الجامعية المتوسطة ( الشامل ) وعدت لأيام الدراسة الليلية بعد إنهاء عملي اليومي، واجتزت تلك المرحلة التي كان لها التأثير على مجرى حياتي بنجاح وبتوفيق من الله حصلت على شهادة الشامل بنجاح بتقدير 72.4 وكان ترتيبي في ذلك العام على مستوى كليتي ( الثالث ) وعلى مستوى المملكة ( السادس)

وحينها انتظرت بفارغ الصبر موعد التقدم لقبول الموحد للجامعات الحكومية , وتم قبولي تنافسيا” في كلية الحصن في مدينة اربد , بتخصص هندسة التكييف والتبريد، والمفارقة أن هذا التخصص يختلف اختلافا” كليا” عن أصل تخصصي في مرحلة الدبلوم ، فلجأت حينها للجامعة الأم في مدينة السلط لتقديم اعتراض على التخصص الذي تم قبولي به ولم استطع أن أحول مقعدي التنافسي لنفس الكلية التي أدرس فيها ( وبما أنه لم يكن معي فيتامين واو (الواسطة) لم يتم قبولي في البرنامج التنافسي وذهب نصيبي في المقعد التنافسي من أمام عيني )فقررت مضطرا” وجاريا” وراء حلمي وحبا” لتخصصي أن أقوم بالتسجيل في البرنامج الموازي في كلية الهندسة التكنولوجية (تخصص الهندسة الميكانيكية العامة عام 2010) حيث لم استطع أن أبقى واقفا” مكتوف الأيدي أمام احد الأبواب التي أغلقت أمامي ، ومؤمنا” بما يقوله أجدادنا: أن الدراسة الجامعية تتم بتسهيل المولى عز وجل من حيث لا ندري !!!!

ولكن نحتاج لتلك الأسباب التي تيسر أمور الدراسة الجامعية فكانت بداية مواجهة تلك التحديات فلجأت لعمل ما يدعى بالجمعية مع زملائي والجيران لإكمال رسوم الجامعة لفصل واحد، لم يكن بعلمي أن احتياجات الجامعة تختلف عنها في الدبلوم من الناحية المادية والأعباء المتراكمة نتيجة الرسوم المرتفعة والكتب وما يحتاجه أي طالب من مصاريف يومية، حيث أني احتاج رسوم فصلي الواحد الشيء الفلاني صدقا” عندما كنت ادفع رسوم الفصل وقبل مغادرتي مكتب المحاسب في الجامعة، كان ينحصر تفكيري بكيفية تأمين الفصل القادم وأعباؤه ورسومه .

أصبحت أواجه المشاكل حتى في بيتي ومع أفراد أسرتي، حيث أني الوحيد المتعلم بين أفراد عائلتي ، وكما تعلمون لم أجد من بقدّر الانجاز الذي أقوم به، بسبب ظروف العائلة المادية الصعبة ,كل ما يحتاجونه ابن يسدد ما يترتب عليهم من ديون وفواتير، فوالدي يعمل سائق بشركة خاصة، يتقاضى راتب شهري 200 دينار ولا يستطيع إعانتي، لا بل ينتظر من يعينه، ليس بوسعي أن أقدم العون الكافي لعائلتي ، حيث أني اعمل حاليا” بشركة خاصة . تقوم الشركة باقتطاع نصف الراتب بسبب غيابي المتكرر ومغادرتي الكثيرة بسبب دوامي ثلاثة أيام في الجامعة، وما يتبقى من راتبي المتواضع لا يسد التزاماتي ومصروفي الشخصي وإعانة عائلتي بمبلغ بسيط

وها أنا على أبواب فصل دراسي جديد ، ولا املك من رسومي الجامعية شيء، والمفارقة أن الجامعة بقوانينها المزاجية قررت فصل كل طالب لم يقوم بتسديد الرسوم الدراسية قبل تاريخ 26/1/2012
فلجأت لصديق في قسم المحاسبة في الجامعة، كان يساعدني بتقسيط رسوم الفصل الدراسي فأعتذر مني بسبب قوانين الجامعة الصارمة هذا العام الدراسي.

Last Saturday, a bunch of youth came to the organization, moslty because they were bored to death by their exams… They asked me to facilitate a conversation to answer the question de jour “ love or money?”

We organized the seats in a circle, but they naturally took two sides. Boys on one side of the room and girls on the other side… it was  going to turn into one of those classical gender conversations.  They were all ready to attack…

Here are some of the quotes I managed to capture.

Oh… they are all between 19 and 22 and I have not used their real names!

Fadi: “Love that brings money!”

Sana “You can’t have both.. life is about either money or love”

Riham: “what kind of logic is it that dictates for you to live penniless (tafran), only to love… it is not worth it”

Maher “ if she is not rich, then she must  be pretty… otherwise it is a waste of time and resources.

Bana: “ Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  Beauty is relative… the physical beauty is not everything. she might not be rich nor very pretty, but nice, decent, smart and respectful.  Or simply makes you laugh…. It depends on why you  choose to marry”

Rami “ you who took the monkey for his money, the money goes and the monkey stays the same!”

Basem: “ every guy knows why he is with his girl. It could be for fun or for marriage. I think that everyone should decide why they are with a certain person.  I had a girlfriend once. I loved her, but she was rich. I broke up with her, when she picked me up one day… I thought to myself, why am I on the right side of the car?  I knew that it was because I was sitting in her car. I asked myself what would happen if I go to ask for her hand for marriage, what would her father tell me?” I knew that the right thing to do was to set her free.

Mais: “I would love a man and support him even when he is penniless.”

Nour “ The question is very black and white. If I love someone, he must be the type that will get out of his poverty by hard work. So no worries… Love is important and so is the money… I don’t see why it should be and either or question”

Bana: “ I always think that if he does not have a house, where would I raise my kids? I don’t want my kids to grow up in a situation where I can’t provide them with their basic needs… so yes it is both…

Tamer “ ”Money is very important. God says in the Qura’an that money is the embellishment of life. However, we all know that money will come one day when we start working… so I think we should choose for love, because money will come eventually.”

 So what do you guys think?

I have been part of the youth development field since as far as I can remember. I got to a point where I started believing that nothing can shock me anymore… not drugs, not sex, not abuse, not unrequited love, not drama and not hidden potential…. 

… then I met Rana

My story with Rana started in January. I was sitting at my desk on a rainy January day totally engrossed in the papers in front of me.  It was busy that day.  I was trying to schedule a time where I can gather our youth to come and attend the skill-building courses that I was planning for them, but since no two universities in Jordan have the same holiday schedule, the task turned out to be more challenging than I originally imagined.  (I have a theory about university schedules. I think maybe the government does not want a time during which, every single young person is on holiday… it would be easier for everyone to keep them busy and apart.)

Anyway, a moment after I started skimming through the document, someone told me that a young lady at the reception area was asking if she could meet me for a few minutes. “Send her in” I said without thinking.  Before I became aware of the interruption I allowed myself, Rana was in my office.

She was a very plain human being.  From a first sigh, there was nothing special about her..  Not her looks, not her conversation, not her personality… actually nothing at all.  However, her troubled face was very touching. She came asking for help.  She was studying at a community college, and it was time for her to pay her tuition. It cost around 130 JDs, but she could not afford them.  She had two choices either drop the course or find the money.  We talked a bit and I told her to call me back in a couple of days and I will see what I could do.

Somehow I managed to find a sponsor for the tuition fee, and therefore asked her to come with me to pick up the money.  As we were driving, she asked me fascinated, ”where are we?”  I told her surprised; “under the Abdoun bridge” and then asked her stupidly “you never saw the bridge?!”

Rana explained that she grew up in Jabal Mareekh, she had never left the jabal until she was admitted in her college. She then started going to Jabal Al Hussein.  She had never visited anything else…all she knew in Amman were Jabal Al Mareekh and Jabal Al Hussein.   I asked her “why not?” and she explained that they didn’t have a car and her household culture did not encourage exploration.   I was surprised at the small size  of this young lady’s bubble… But what surprised me even more, was how small my own bubble was.

I drove around aimlessly; I wanted her to see as much as she could.  Meanwhile we talked. She told me how her parents hated each other and how that affected her life. She explained that her mom spoiled her brothers, because she hoped they would grow up to provide for her and give her the love that she never got. Her love was a bit too much, and the sons, tuned out to be good for nothing. They never finished school; they spent their time experimenting with drugs and Alcohol…

Rana also explained that her mom was harsh with her and her sisters, her father was too strict… and the result was girls “without a personality” to use her term.  Probing further, I realized she had a talent for math. I advised her to seek a scholarship from her college based on her high grades and talents.

We reached our destination, I gave her the money and we parted our ways… I soon forgot all about her…

Today, she came to visit me out of the blue.  She looked completely different.  She was dressed up, she looked radiant and happy.   She told me that she asked for the scholarship and the college did not hesitate. It was the first time in her life she is appreciated for who she really is… and this did wonders to her self esteem.

I had a fuzzy feeling in my heart, seeing that much potential made me feel happy.

I will stop writing now, but i want to add at the end that Rana started making small detours on her way to and from college… she just visited Abdali and she now knows where Shmeinsani is.

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.~ Gibran Khalil Gibran

How many times have we heard about Jordanians wanting to do things, but can’t because their parents don’t approve?  How many students were forced into certain majors for their parents? How many marriage deals took place for the parents? How many companies were run for the parents? How many relationships were broken for the parents? How many… how many… how many…?

I guess I was inspired to write this post after a conversation I had with two young  people, who came to visit me a few days ago …. L.’s parents’ iron grips drive her to the brinks of madness and depression.

“I want to kill my father” said M. crying “This way we all can have some peace”

To these comments Y. answered “I won’t kill my dad, but I know that I will start living only after my father dies!”

Y is a young man whose life is defined by his mixed feelings towards his father. Fear, hatred, respect are all entangled together in an odd mixture. Y. Feels that his father is his jailer and that he can be free only when his father dies.

The intensity of anger in that room took my breath away… I thought how terrible it must be for people to wait for their parents (people they love) to die in order to start living, and how terrible for the parents to realize that.

The thing is I see these kind of feelings almost on daily basis these days.

I grew up watching my father taking care of his family. He is one classic example of a man who lived his entire life based on the expectations of his family.  It saddens me to see how hard he tried to break this cycle with us.  My mom has always been better at it. One random example: I don’t remember a time when she took part in any admin, university or a government related issue (register at the university, renew passport, and ask for education related issue…) she always said that we should handle these things alone.  While this was annoying for me at the age of 19, my mom can never imagine my gratitude (today) for being hands off.

This brings me to my next observation:

Jordanian parents are too hands on; they don’t trust their children to breath alone!

In my current job, we are in the process of collecting applications for a scholarship. It always surprises me when parents come to ask about the scholarship, It surprises me even more when they come to hand in the applications.  They act as if the scholarship is for them… I barely hear the applicant’s voice! I won’t be surprise if they fill it out themselves.

Yesterday, a mother showed up with the application. Half of the required documents were missing, I tried to explain to her that each supporting document has a score and the fact that the application is missing all these documents means the daughter will have a low score, consequently might not be in a fair competition with the other applicants.

Oh boy, how I wished I kept my mouth shut.

The lady was one of those mean, cynical types. She sat down and wanted to understand. I tried to explain that it is better for her daughter to come and understand… but she would not listen. She started shouting or what we say in Arabic (tirda7)

The daughter is home, what is the value of her coming when the mother can take care of that? The mother needs to understand, the daughter can understand later…

“In all cases my daughter does not know what is best for her most of the time!”

 So…

I found myself in a situation where I am explaining the concept of a personal statement that reflects the daughter’s sense of initiative and leadership skills… man, the word leadership rubbed her the wrong way… she  went into an abusive monologue on how this whole process is a load of crap… leadership? Initiative?  What kind of leadership are we talking about? Do we want her to lead an army?! … She then left without wanting to hear the rest… Her grand exit was accompanied with some rude demeaning comment.

I should say, I made a decision on the spot, I am not talking to any other parents… Parents will need to shut up and wait outside.

One last word, God bless Gibran, he was open minded for his time!

It all started with Tala Tutunji wanting to do more with her piano concert… then the snowball effect hit! We started with 2 people on two pianos and ended up with 15 people celebrating our beloved Amman!

Oh my God… what fun… I know that in my heart that I need to work with youth and Arts… but this kind of art… so uncomplicated, so natural.

People who took part are:

• 4 on the stage performing our own Ramsey Tesdell, Lina Salameh, Aya al Tall and Ahmad Zgoul.
• 2 dancers, Arabia and Talline,
• 1 technical sound guy… the talented Yusuf Qawar
• 5 people reading texts about Amman, taken from 7iber and from the bloggosohere generally, Shaden AbdelRahman, Mohamed Al Qaq a.k.a Khobbeizeh (who also happens to have a brilliant voice) the incredibly creative Wael Atilli … and Samar Doudine… who truly made it possible… and without her… well what can i say?! And of course the one and only Nas, who was helping with the pictures, but who also was there from the beginning to develop the idea….

I won’t write more, since the whole story was written on 7iber…  and by the way… several initiatives came out of it, and several people took the idea and started expanding on it… which is truly great.

Here is the video that Ramsey did while we were practicing… Wael is still as hillarius as he always has been… and Khobeizeh… well meeting him was the highlight of 2008!

Oh yeah… we are in al Ghad newspaper… here we go

I LOVE technology!

The 7iber team spent last week training around 18 young people from around the Arab world on using the latest technologies to make this possible. I am so happy, to be hearing critical youthful and unafraid comments coming from these youngsters…as opposed to old boring journalists that we are so used to hearing.

Seriously, these youngsters ROCK! it is so refreshing!

Anyway, if you Join the conversation, just click here

Nope, I still have not switched my career to become a street cleaner… but of course there is a background story behind those weird requests… I won’t be able to tell the story as nicely as Naseem does… So I am leaving it to him to tell the story in his words…

Meanwhile… enjoy J

Now back to the delight bit… this project took facebook’s place in the last few days… a couple of  friends who wandered away in life’s funny turns, found their way back… and there is nothing  more delightful than hearing from an old friend…

On a different note… I am trying to learn how to edit fims… i am working on editing the film that I took of this event… once it is done, i will publish it…

Note 2: isn’t technology amazing?!!!  I am so grateful that I exist at this time and place (only place is no longer an issue in our lives)… When I was younger, I wished I existed in the medieval ages! (what was I thinking?!)

Yes I copied the title from Lina…but I can do this, since I happen to be in Muenster in the very same place at the very same moment! …I am sitting in the Internet Room with one of the Jordanian team members and he is telling me in wonder ‘ Praise God, listen to how many languages we can hear in 4 square meter room!’ .. he has every reason to be surprised, we are hearing Spanish, English, Rumanian, Russian, Arabic in two dialects, Polish,  French and Hungarian… aber scheiße how could I forget Deutsch?!!!

This has been an experience for  all the team members, including myself! Yes, Lina and I have different modes of functioning as team leaders,  We both find it difficult to draw the line and balance between being strict and being loose. Sometimes I feel like slapping some of them… for example when they show up forty five minutes late, and force the whole group to work an extra hour!  and sometimes I just want to hug them… for example when they acted the Jaha bit!! Man the boys were MARVELLOUS!! True sheikhs! Jordan will be proud! . And while Lina  tends to more hands off, I tend to be more hands on… but I think this difference is really positive,  because we do complement each other in our own ways.

By the way having Lina around has been wunderbar, we have been talking a lot and discovering how much in common we have, especially during the walks from the Behnnohaus back to our hotel.

The Jordanian team is a very interesting mix this year. We can completely spot the contradictions Jordanian youth have to live through, especially the girls. The society holds women to higher standards and some of them constantly feel they need to act to keep this standard. In moments of letting go, when they act like normal kids in their age such as being silly, giggling, playing…they start feeling guilty and feel they need to emphasize how virtuous they are and constantly explaining to me and to the others what they said and what they meant and how and why they said it…. I keep saying it is ok, you don’t need to explain… I really really understand! But I am thinking it is ok because they really really are just normal human beings!

We had the usual amount of tension in the first couple of days. the tension of discovering the dynamics of how the team functions,  adapting to the new place and the work we are doing, testing the waters with each other and with the other groups, deciding who is a friend and who is not .. one of the girls kept giving the guys sideways looks and stupid  comments when she catches them standing with girls! and they just REJOYCED catching her talking to a  guy… they are still making fun of the poor girl! But it is ok… maybe she will learn how to keep her mouth shut when she should… I personally hope she does because she was absent the day  they taught tactfulness in school! I had long talks with all the team members during the last 2 days and today everyone has finally relaxed, it seems like we all know where we stand, and all the negative feelings have finally come out. I completely adore the youngest member in our team, a 17 year old boy. He only has to open his mouth for of us to crack laughing! He throws very witty comments in such a serious manner… we can never tell if he is joking or just is like this

Since I lived in Germany couple of years ago,  spending the time with this team is giving me moments of joy, I don’t get to live every day. Which is to remember how things feel the first time! I just love to see the absolutely innocent and childish pleasure  in their reactions when they try things for the first time… things like drinking  a certain juice for example or eating a certain type of chocolate, or seeing a lake for the first time or even living the long hours or the changing weather, or the shopping… basically the beauty in all the small things that I tend to take to take for granted…. And in moments like this I just feel joyful.

Got to go Dinner is being served and i am starving!

As few of you would know, one of the things I enjoy most in life is organizing youth exchange programs, to get young people from Jordan to travel and learn something new. I work with people who are over 18 years old, convincing myself that they are adults and legally, culturally and religiously responsible for their acts. Those last two weeks proved that actually they are children, and socially if anything happens I am the one to bear all the responsibility!

My team was very mixed, I am not going to give any names, but we had the conservative, the hypocrite, the ultra liberal and the unexposed, and of course the responsible and open minded. I am so grateful to have 2 young people in my team, a great young lady whose open-mindedness and responsibility will forever leave a mark on my heart, and a guy who would be most probably considered a social outcast in Amman and who the only words that would express my feelings towards him are love and pride a little bit like am other maybe! Together we were the best team; we impressed the hell out of everyone with our language skills and intellect, and all the gorgeous leaflets and posters and presentations the team prepared… and of course the little items of food we brought with us.. JORDAN RULES!

When it came to the social aspect, and individually I thought few of my team members needed kafen 3ala il dayer in several occasions! To start with, few are not more than spoiled brats, who live in a world of their own, honestly the way some girls in Amman talk and behave is sickening and repulsive and completely unimpressive… yuck!!! I was ashamed and disappointed of the dala3,constant stream of naghasheh, silly feminin games and the extreme obsession with makeup and hair and high heals, even when we were in a farm in the middle of nowhere! But this is no where as shameful as the fact that these super intelligent twenty something girls are so dependent on their dadies’ pockets, that they are clueless to the fact that they are adults and have to solve their problems on their own. They actually think that their dads would help them whever they are, it makes me wonder how would they ever survive without papa?! As for the guys… yeee don’t even start me with the double standards and the hypocrisy.

It made me wonder whose fault is that we are a third world, the hypocrisy of men of the air-headedness of women… No wonder, men think we are less than they are… we do our best, actually we go out of our way to let them think act like that.

One of the things that happened, was that we usually try to mix the girls from all countries together in the rooms, and we do the same with the boys boys/girls are strictly forbidden to the disappointment of some of you! so what happens is an Italian girl connected with a French guy, and to my chagrin went back to the room to hang out with her, where two of my most flirty, spoiled girls stay. I wish this happened with the other two girls who were more conservative and would have definitely carried themselves and handles the situation better
We had this huge hysterical, dramatic reation, where my girls tried to get the boy outprobably not very nicely and when he did not want to leave because he thought they were rude. She came to me threatening me with her dad’s influence.

Obviously the boy left the room and obviously it was a cultural misunderstanding and difference and obviously it is expected to face things like that when people leave their safe environment and obviously they could have solved the problem smartly if they were experience and obviously with dad or no dad the problem would have been solved anyway, because actually no one there knows who dad is and no one cares… as a matter of fact this became a point that was taken against Jordanians not having personality of our own, and being so corrupt!! and obviously I was so damn irritated that I had to be not so nice the girl!

What was really funny is that when dad’s position was mentioned, one of the Egyptian guys said “ eh ya3ni, 7adritik bint afandem wi i7na wlad kalbi ya3ni?!!” and an ironic game started about who dad is, when one of the guys in my team said the most intelligent thing ever “abouy insan” which means my dad is a human being! Which awarded us a massive cheering from all the other teams! and closed the door for good.

The project was fun, it was interesting, and it was definitely very educational. But most of all, I learnt we would be better off, when we use our intelligent brains instead of daddy’s postions. So if you happen to be in one of my teams, and your dad is important dont tell me, because that would not impress me at all!! actually i would think you are silly and without personality!