Um Raed, our neighbour at the Jabal. She has a wide range of children (literally). The age range starts from 5 and ends at 25.

Her life is difficult, mostly because her husband is a mean old lazy bum. He could never keep a proper job, and he never quite figured out the meaning of a wife and the responsibility that comes with children. He is one of those who believe that he has rights, but never really fathoms the meaning of responsibilities. Possibly this explains why she has many children… since the husband does not bother with providing for them, he does not mind having them.

I see her on my way to work. I look for her every day, her sense of humour is brilliant and her smile is just very hopeful. Last week, I realized that I had not seen her in a couple of days. I asked Abdullah, the neighbour, about her and he told me she is recovering. “ kheir, inshalla, what is she recovering from?” I asked.

Abdallah, explained that a few days ago, he heard her scream, he thought it was one of the usual, almost daily, episodes with her husband. But soon he realized that the other voice he heard was not her husband, but her eldest son.

Her son does not like the fact that she works as a cleaner. His role model is his lazy father; so needless to say, he has chosen the same path. The son asked her for moneyto buy cigaretts, and when she refused, he started cursing, shouting and offending her. He told her that she is a prostitute; this is what she does at her work as a cleaner. He told her that she is an ugly bitch, and that his father’s biggest mistake was to marry a prostitute; he added that if his father is a man, he should divorce and marry another woman.

Um Raed was shocked. She never expected that one of her sons would ever utter such horrible things. Especially, that the only reason she works is to put food on the table for her family, since her husband and her sons fail to provide. She found herself slapping her son. He became so angry. Next thing she experienced was being dragged by her hair outside the house. Her son started beating her up, brutally, in the middle of the street.

Abdallah, the neighbour found himself jumping and yanking the boy off his mother, then he started beating him up. Abdallah said that his blood boiled, and started beating the boy so strongly, until Um Raed, who was crying humiliated (she was not dressed properly, her hair loose, even though she is mahajabeh) started shouting at Abdallah to leave the boy alone. More people gathered to break them off each other.

Abdallah now was angry. He told her. “ It is my fault, I came to help you !” She answered crying: “But he is my son, I did not want you to kill him”

I talked her, she is ok now. She says that something broke inside her. She knows that her son is imitating his father, and she worries that the other sons will do the same, as they grow.

I am not sure what I could say to such story… it is very sad that this women feels all her sacrifices had not been appreciated. It is very sad that she put all her hopes on her sons, and they turned out to be the way they turned out to be.  It is sad that sometimes, women spoil their sons in the name of love, and they end up paying very very high ” she prices.  “Um Raed asked me not to call her that again.

 she said upset,  ”I am not anyone’ mother from now on” she wants to be called by her maiden name.”My mother respected me, she gave me my name, why would i give it up to these sons of dog.

P.S. I know the picture is not suitable. But i saw it, and i found myself laugh my heart out! as we say in Arabic ” shar il baliya ma yud7ik” Which means the worst disasters make you laugh

… A guy drove by in a fancy car, slowed down and stopped at some 100 meters in front of me…

I was tempted to cross the street, but then decided that I should not let him intimidate me.

So I kept going…

He opened his window, and started shouting numbers… 200? 300? Ok 500… I soon realized that it was JDs he meant!  This guy either thought I was a prostitute and was offering money in hope of service, or he simply was acting like a jackass!  Which probably was the case.

I kept going without even giving him a second glance. I know how cruel it is not to acknowledge the existence of a human being… and this guy, certainly,  did not deserve to be acknowledged.

He kept following me.

I turned left to a side street and he drove back and forth at least ten times in that street, till I reached my destination….he waited a bit, and then realized that I was not going out any time soon, and so he left, probably to bug another girl…

Ohh.. the car had a Qatari number.. It really is upsetting, that some people from abroad come to Jordan, thinking that girls who walk in the streets are  free game… I am not saying that our local guys are better…… but still, when you go as a guest somewhere, the minimum requirement is to practice some self respect….

Our local guys… akh from our local guys…they have succeeded into turning the experience of walking in our lovely Amman into a very unlovely  experience….I can almost swear that any Jordanian girl, regardless of her dress code or background can share horror stories related to her experiences in walking in Amman…. girls get exposed to men’s dirty words, and pathetic sexual frustration at a very early age…and they never share their stories, because they know that their families will only practice more control over them…. so they internalize their bad experiences and move on…. moving on is their silent resistance to things they can’t control

Actually… I am tired of writing about this … so will go watch Dance with me instead!

My grandmother, a tiny ferocious woman, is the matriarch, the mover who stands at the center of my father and his brothers’ universe. They never could liberate themselves from her iron grip… and as a result ended up living turbulent lives with their own wives, who have never exactly met my grandmother’s expectations. After all, she did not choose any of them, so even if they were angels she would not have approved! Ya3ni a classical mother in law and daughter in law scenario in this side of the world.

I grew up having negative feelings towards my meddling grandmother, and since I avoided speaking about my family as a teenager, I assumed our situation was unique… which made me feel isolated. But then something amazing happened… I grew up only to realize that my grandmother is not unique at all… as a matter of fact she is so un-unique, it is not even funny. Worse yet, her generation have moved the knowledge to the next generations. Younger women around Jordan today are variant replicas of women like my grandmother.

Mothers on the lookout for brides using facebook!

Recently, I have been hearing countless stories of mothers on the lookout for the perfect bride for their sons: the process often resembles shopping for a good deal. I have been approached several times by these kinds of women to the mortification of my mother and the delight of my grandmother. Latest one, through facebook! …She has been following my facebook profile to see what kind of photos I upload and how my status changes. For some odd reason, I was deemed worthy! I told her mischievously “you should check my blog” surprise….surprise… she did not call again! Apparently, this is the new thing… mothers using technology to go through suitable brides for their sons..(Fancy, eh?)

Yesterday, my (girl) cousins came over to have iftar with us. They are at that age, where mothers scan them. Muna was making fun of a distant cousin who went to visit them a couple of days ago, and when he was asked whether he preferred Atayef with nuts or cheese, he answered “I prefer what my mother chooses for me!” with a wink. Little she knew, when she told the story, that this was not an innocent remark, but a way of warning them that the tigress was hunting!

 Muna’s remarks piqued my anthropological curiosity. Why do women have such a strong hold on their sons in our side of the world?

First reason comes to mind is that the responsibilities of bringing up children have traditionally fallen upon women alone. Fathers’ interference did not exceed being the punisher and the provider for both the mother and the children! So men end up developing unbalanced relationships with the parents. They both fear and respect the authoritarian father, but completely adore the fragile mother… who used female sensuality and manipulation as part of numerous tools to keep her children under her thumb.

Samar gave me a different perspective into the story… in Jordan, there is no comprehensive social system that takes care of citizens, so people can’t make it without pap’s money. She explained that when she got married, almost five years and two kids ago, her in laws paid for everything, including wedding fees, shabkeh, house, and car…everything… “If they did not” she said, “we would still be trying to save money to afford getting married”. Luckily her mother in law liked her. “If she did not like me, they would not have paid a penny,… and my mother in law would have convinced him to leave me by tears, drama, fake sicknesses, Divine anger and threats to kill herself”.

In face of these lethal tools ….how can any sane son break the umbilical cord?

I am Reading “Taxi” and “Reading Lolita in Tehran”. I have been avoiding this book for years, but khalas it is after me… Taxi is not bad… I love this generation of contemporary Egyptian writers…. It is refreshing.

On a different note… I have become addicted to one particular song. It is called Sangre Gitana y Mora. Um Kulthoum’s Alf Leila u Leila By two gypsy singers Lole y Manuel… Fine would be one way of describing it!

The husband could not deal with the catastrophic request, so he went and created a huge sign, where he wrote love messages and stood in front of her office asking for her forgiveness. She happens to be a Royal Jordanian employee at the 7th Circle office. He did not stop there, but he invited some musicians au Spanish motif, and called different news outlets in Jordan to come and witness his sincere regrets. As you can imagine, the wife was very touched, went out crying and gave him a beautiful hug amid the cheers of the gathered crowd!

Not me unfortunately… I would hate it if my husband would put me in the spotlight like that… but what can i say…Allah yihanihom!  

For me this incident was interesting on several levels…. But most of all was the audacity of the husband, who was more ready to deal with a nation that, more often than not, suffers insecurity about manhood and does not tolerate the concept of public display of affection than divorcing his wife.

Mahmoud says : “ this man is a habeeleh! Actually look at his picture, he looks retarded!”

Dina said that this was the sweetest thing she heard… if her husband was that kind of man she would be happy!

Lama on the other hand hates public display of affection. She explained to me that she hates it when her brother and his wife start snogging… she is single and finds it both selfish and in bad taste…  she usually leaves the room with displeasure…. But they still have not got it!

The most intriguing bit, is that men in this country have no problem in showing affection to each other.   How often have we seen men holding hands while walking in the streets, or kissing on the cheeks? How often have we seen men give each other a pat on the back…? in other words, it is very acceptable for male friends to engage in a bit of a slap and tickle… the problem rises up when women are involved.

This story brought up a similar debate to that, which was created when Jordan was gripped with a Noor mania last year….  Both debates revolve around the lack of affection, whether public or private, among people here… parents don’t hug their children, and spouses don’t hug each other… so we have succeeded in producing generations of Jordanians who suffer from a lack of any physical display of emotions…

This  could be caused by several reasons;  One of them is related to the events that took place in Jordan in the last few decades.   As a matter of facts Jordanians have constantly been more focused on survival than on anything else, whether because of poverty or repeated disasters happening one after the other…  Another reason could revolve around the fact that parents were, and still are, very focused on bringing up men to take on responsibilities and therefore, it is not appropriate for them to be spoilt by love and mushi emotions…  The truth is many reasons come to mind… but I won’t go through them… even though I would like to know if you guys have some ideas…

The true question that comes to mind now…. Could this man’s actions be a symptom of a resistance against this emotional desertification that has characterized this country for decades? 

It is now 23:00 and I am exhausted… so will go to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls… I always loved that girlie series… I think I like the rosy life both Lorelei and Rori live… but my favorite one will always be the manipulative Emily… I love how what really matters is what other women say… kind of reminds me of here?

He is an A-hole. He does not respect you, leave him!

Now, my opinion has changed dramatically… it has become:

Where is your self confidence?

Elsa on the other hand used to hate it when her partner (ex-husband now…) used to check women out, especially when they were out and she was with him. This was always the base for an argument… she told him repeatedly that it made her feel uncomfortable, she felt it was not respectful of her as a women… his standard answer was a cold “it meant nothing”

Her mother used to tell her that being upset was not about him staring but it was about being insecure in her relationship…. which obviously she was not… and rightly so, since he ended up cheating on her…
Today, when she is with her boyfriend, she truly does not mind if he checks someone out,… which he seldom does, … and when he does, it is done discreetly and respectfully. Actually, it is ironic, that she would point out that a girl is cute…… what would he do in this case? He does nothing…. absolutely nothing… he might mumble something funny and move on.

So I guess her mother’s comment was right after all…. It really is not about who does what… it is about trust… if you trust the person, if you are secure about the person you are with… checking out other people is fine. The point is both men and women look every now and then… it is no big deal, but what is not normal is for people to stare and comment EVERY time some member of the opposite sex walks in a room. Which really was the case with Elsa’s husband, it used to make all of her friends uncomfortable… he would scan any woman’s body rudely…it was disgusting!

Why do men check out women?

I really don’t want to provide excuses for Arab men…they get away with too much as it is…. but let’s look into evolution here. We need to remember that even though we moved from the caves into modern buildings around Jordan… and we started eating cooked mansaf around tables in different Jordanians cities and villages instead of eating raw meet around the fire in the caves, we still share DNA with animals.

We should never forget that the aim of the human race is to spread DNA for the survival of the race! A guy, having to do little work to give birth to a kid, would be more likely to pass on his DNA if he mated with several women… Is this all? Well of course not. There are other reasons as well.. For example the fact that society celebrates men’s behaviours… I mean it is completely ok for a man to look around, but it would be viewed as completely unnatural and maybe a little sick for a woman to do the same…

I would also imagine that it is because the way women react to it… A friend used to let her husband know how cute the waiter is whenever she caught him looking at other women… she would tip these handsome waiters handsomely, and the sting of spending unnecessary money was enough to teach the husband not to look when she is around!

She still tips people handsomely every now and then, after 13 years of marriage!

Can you think of other reasons why men look at other women??

I wonder who would get upset by this video… Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni?

I had a nightmare yesterday… in the dream I sat in my room, knowing that I am home alone… suddenly my door opened and a total stranger poked his head into my room… I almost gave myself a heart attack… I went through the motions and the feelings of this scenario as if it was real…. I woke up in a cold sweat….

I knew the nightmare was related to a conversation I had with the sister the previous night… it was about a guy she thought I should meet… Meeting a guy has been on the agenda of several people lately… I guess people worry that I am not getting any younger.  For some odd reason I absolutely have to meet someone right now, get married on the spot and reproduce immediately (…don’t waste your time… you get married today, you have a baby nine months later… boom…boom…boom… as if this process is in the same category as buying tomatoes).

The problem here is that i don’t seek the same kind of guys i had when i was in my early twenties. At that point I was looking for someone Strong, i felt vulnerable and wanted to be protected. I wanted someone with the standard shit, money, house, car…etc. So that he can provide for me (I still did not know that I can provide for myself… ) And of course intelligence. 

*******************

A few days Later….

I see that I have a wandering keyboard this week… but to return to the original thread, I want to introduce another couple of incidents that took place this week…

“Guess what?! Hala told me first day of Eid  “Fares got engaged to XXXX,” She said…Fares was her cousin’s boyfriend for a long time … we both were surprised at his choice, since both women were so extremely different… while the cousin was smart, ambitious and strong… the fiancée was quiet, unmotivated and dull….

The long conversation we had about why men tend to prefer boring women for marriage was shelved in my head till last day of Eid…. I visited some family members for Eid… They just moved back from Saudi Arabia… I said naively to the lady “you must be happy about being here, you regained your freedom now”.

“On the contrary”, she said… “In Saudi Arabia, I did not have to do anything at all…my husband had to do everything.” She said…

I was appalled! What I heard was “in Saudi Arabia, I could sit on my lazy ass the whole days, and the poor ass I married had to do all the work!”

I found her completely unimpressive… she seemed smart enough when she was first introduced to the family… (five years and three children ago) even though we were a bit uncertain.  I mean the husband is quite an intelligent man… and we did not feel that she was that spectacular… what we failed to realize then, was that he made an intellectual decision to marry beneath him….

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12 November 2008

For years, there’s been a popular conception that men are intimidated by intelligent women in this part of the world… however, intelligent women have a strategy…

They play dumb!

I can’t remember the number of times my grandmother told me to tone it down when I meet someone… or ordered me not to read publicly because it is not appealing… or treated my glasses as a shameless secret… The holly fear is that women who are too strong are less likely to find a man who will love them, let alone marry them.

Honestly I look at my grandmother and she is one of the strongest women on earth. She always knew how to play it down. And well she has been married for more than 60 years now!

Are Jordanian men intimidated by smart, strong women?  

Well…I was browsing when I came across an exhaustive study of people from primary school to middle age has proved that clever men are much more likely to marry than those with lesser intelligence. But for intelligent women, the reverse is true. Their chances of have that beautiful white wedding at Intercontinental Amman are considerably lower than other women who went through university because it was better than staying home!

The study says that one possible cause of this result is that many smarter women are too choosy in wanting higher status men whereas the men are not as choosy about status of females and hence can find a suitable mate from a much larger pool of women.

Another possible explanation (my lovely caveman analogy) men are more driven to seek physical beauty and youth as a result of selective pressures to seek fertile mates. Whereas natural selection favoured a female preference for higher status men as better providers…

“Men have no problem with an independent intelligent woman, but what I have found with women that call themselves that, is they are very judgmental, closed minded to certain things, and love to argue or debate as they call it”

I have been writing this post for a week now. I guess the new Jhumpa Lahiri book Unaccustomed Earth has been keeping me busy…. Not bad at all.. Lahiri knows how to show the human side of her characters…. Also this week i have realized that i am in love with Lebanese singer Marwan Khouri!

I was invited to a meeting yesterday. I was supposed to tell them about my project. I got there only to find out that the meeting was this kind of meeting…

Oh horror! I was a unique figure among all these men!

When my turn came to speak, Tayseer gave me the microphone. The moderator, a man who is sitting at that far corner, yelled “Tayseer! We don’t have time, pass the microphone to a more important person!” …

I was horrified! This man did not even know who I was, did not know what I wanted to say… he had never seen me in his life!When he realized that the microphone was with me and he could do nothing about it, he said “My sister, we don’t have time, BE brief!…” As if women only go to these meetings to blabber… 

Had he been less disagreeably misogynist, I should have listened sweetly, and stopped at thirty seconds! I had been sitting for two hours, listening to these boring men, blabbering, spending half their time just going through the required social pleasantries. 

Oh boy… the moment I got my hands on the microphone, I decided that I was sick and tired of these men’s bullshit! And therefore decided to tell them ALL what they need to know about the project … not my 30 second note that I had spent the night before preparing!

Tayseer was waiting patiently, as if I was a naughty kid eating chocolate with dirty hands. Not knowing whether he should snatch the microphone or just wait till I finish…  

The moment I finished, he took it from me, and moved quickly as if he was holding on to a diamond and was afraid it will be taken away from him, he then simply passed it to a more important person… who started with the required social pleasantries! 

I don’t know if anyone listened and frankly it does not matter one bit. I felt good; I managed to amuse myself, saying what I wanted to say…I refused to be intimidated by all these men, and I left with my head held high… After 2 hours there, I became certain that what I was brining to that table was much more interesting and much more effective than some of these men could ever dream of achieving.
      

I was at a business meeting in al Rai building few years ago when I had this strong urge to visit the ladies’, only to discover that the ladies’ do not exist…all the bathrooms were gent’s! But I really had to go and so I decided that a man got to do what a man got to do so I ventured in. My first reaction was shock at the structure of the bathroom they have these sinks that I later learnt are called urinals. My second reaction was being scandalized at how dirty men’s bathrooms are! When I was done I obviously wanted to leave but I was faced with a second dilemma, there were men in the bathroom! I waited a bit, listening with all my heart, and when I was sure that no one was there, I ventured out… however to my complete chagrin, there was ONE man there at those sinks! Imagine the situation a woman in men’s room in AMMAN! emboldened by the ridiculousness of the situation I did what a woman would do in a bathroom… I smiled, said hi and stormed out of the whole building never to come back again!

Men and women have completely different bathroom cultures…While women’s restrooms are networking lounges and counseling centers, where we can meet interesting people. Men’s bathrooms are exactly that… bathrooms! In our bathrooms, we discuss everything, people, clothing, events, our problems, our friends’ problems and gossip. While we apply make-up, we discuss application techniques and brands; we pass toilet paper under the gap, and continue our conversation across the wall even with strangers, while going about our business… it is rare but not unheard of that two women would go in the same cubicle to finish the conversation!

Men on the other hand discuss NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! They don’t talk in the bathroom, even if they were there with their best friend… they try to keep the conversation to a minimum! They certainly will not talk, while sitting on the toilet, and they will never meet another man’s gaze. What I found most interesting was that men also have a territorial ritual while in the bathroom. If there are five urinals in a row, the first man will choose the urinal furthest from the door, the second man will choose the urinal furthest from the first man, the third man will choose the one in the middle and the fourth will go in a cubicle!!!

Men and women view commitment from different angles… while we play bride and groom with our bad kid neighbor since very early childhood… I am kidding! with our dolls I wanted to say but this seemed more like fun… anyway… we grow up thinking a beautiful house, a nice loving husband that makes all our mean high school girl friends jealous and a bunch of adorable kids running around… we think of commitment as an achievement, as security as safety and as a revenge from every girl who was bad to us! As a fulfillment of all these dreams that are rooted very deeply in us… well obviously society plays a major role here.

Men on the other hand see commitment as something quite different. To men, commitment means goodbye to freedom! A man has only one choice when he leaves school go to work and become successful.. He can’t just “leave and sit home” when he is married. He has to think about his wife and children. Thus, when a man thinks of commitment, he sees a lifetime of struggle and expectations… And with the high materialistic demands girls have been putting on guys… Nah… I don’t think so!

I had to look in the psyche of caveman to understand this instinctive fear of commitment ultra cool boyfriend , yet this amazing desire to reproduce the demanding fiancé , and true to my expectations we have an answer…

Ok, this is crude, but it is also interesting. Cavemen were polygamist… Polygamy was a survival mechanism… they had to spread their seeds in order for the human race to survive, more women had to have more children…so they slept around…. This instinct that pushed men away from commitment which is monogamy, towards polygamy is what is giving the boyfriend the fever… it is a deeply rooted instinct! But since the world has changed, and civilization prevailed and men no longer can get away with this as an excuse… the very same instinct is what pushes the fiancé to want children thus commitment!

What does that mean? Commitment for men means fewer opportunities to have sex which means fewer opportunities to spreading the seeds… but while on the one hand for social, religious, ethical simply love! Men chose to be monogamist I am cutting you slack guys and on the other hand, they are still controlled by this instinct to survive and to reproduce… they chose to get married and have as many children as fast as possible! Hoping they will have many chances to spread the seed with their wives!

Interesting. No?

The ladies came to visit me few days ago, and as usual we had an interesting conversation. What women talk about in this country is men (I guess that is what women do all over the world anyway!) but here, these “women sessions” are the most interesting. They show off about all the tricks they use to have their men in line! I am not kidding! And they give advises…

This conversation made me think of a contradictory comment said by Natasha few days ago about that could not leave my mind…about how men have their own anxieties as well.. how Arab women expect perfection from their men… they have to be strong, rich, self confident and always on top of everything…no room for mistakes, or hesitance or any sort of weakness what so ever… and that brought to my mind yet another comment said by Tareq (another friend) few weeks ago about how when Arab women get married they leave the house of their old father to the house of their new father!!! Obviously this comment has several sides, but really what he meant was that we have very high expectations from our husbands… the “Standard” that we have lived in all our lives can NOT be compromised for any reason!

I hate to be quoted saying this, but there is some truth in all this..I mean honestly thinking about it a man’s life in the Middle East is like the minesweeper game, there is always a trick, a game an expectation…it is never simple. He has to have every move calculated or else… boom! Ok this is a bit exaggerated (but I tend to do that). No wonder no one wants to get married these days!

Anyway… I just finished another book by Paul Auster, and like all his books it is dark, smart and unpredictable. It is called Oracle Night but if anyone wants to read Paul Auster I recommend Leviathan (Which happens to be my favorite) and Book of Illusions which I thought was very good. My next book would be Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. I am not a fan, but Nassim insisted I should read it. So far this is the third book he recommends (Memnoch the devil and the invalids of hot climates) it took me years to convince myself to read them, but they were both not that bad 

And by the way Nassim if you read this, I have your copies for both books, if you want them email me!