Eid brings many thoughts about the way we celebrate it in this part of the world.

Usually, my dad goes to Salat al Eid with my uncles. And as soon as they finish, they start what I call “the door to door ritual.” This involves strong coffee with cardamom and ka3k il eid dates cookies… they visit their father’s grave and then go from house to house. They start with the eldest of their five sisters; they go through the rest of them and then visit their uncles and aunts.  They might visit one or two distant relatives and end their tour by visiting their married daughters.  Usually they are back home by 9:00 AM!

The very same people they visited in the morning return the visit in the afternoon! And while this seems useless, it has been done in my family for as long as I remember.

This thought brought to my mind a very warm Christmas memory in London. That year, I could not go home, because tickets were disgracefully expensive, so I stayed in London. I convinced my flat mates to have a proper Christmas, and they agreed. We did not buy a tree but decorated the big plant that we had and ended up having a very funky tree.

This was not the highlight of my Christmas. We ended up spending Christmas day with my flat mate’s family. In their house and after going through the beautiful meal. We engaged into the ritual of opening the gifts.

Apparently every year, they buy each other many gifts (that was surprising and embarrassing, because I bought whole family one gift! but left their house with several gifts!) in their case, a lot of thought goes into those gifts. They buy each other nice gifts, but also useless gifts that would make them laugh. For example, the lady is a very sensitive human being who cares about her house and what gets displayed. So her husband bought her a 1X1 meter book to display on her coffee table! The book was about human anatomy and had gruesome pictures and illustrations!! I did not know these people well, but one look at the book was enough to make me laugh… it really was funny in their context.

The point is, buying gifts, looked simple from the first view, but the more they went into them, the more I realized how difficult it was. It could not work, expect in families that have strong awareness of each other… I am not talking about good relationships, but strong in the sense that family members are unafraid to confront each other and are very honest about their feelings, their power dynamics and their issues. Not only that, but they also have to know each other well…. They have to know what makes them tick, what makes them laugh and what would be appreciated…. needless to say; a lot of internal jokes were unearthed that day.

I truly felt that the ritual was both enjoyable and engaging, it was much deeper than the cold ritual we have in my family… seeing people that we only and literally see from Eid to Eid… where they come in for ten minutes, drink coffee, eat cookies, exchange fake social pleasantries and then leave….

Maybe I should start the gift exchanging ritual with my own family, especially that we have 4 young boys now in the family… I would like to bring some fun back to the Eid, make our boys enjoy it and love it…

On that note…Happy Eid everyone.

Rosie lives in England and Aaron lives in the States… but they have figured out a creative way to be together.

“These are the compilation images Rosie and I have done together. Every Sunday Rosie takes an image in England and I take one in America, and we put ourselves together, even if it is just in a photo. Love separated by an ocean.” Aaron said.

It is totally fascinating for me that they are not in the pictures together!! The pictures are too pretty not to be real… And as always I am super fascinated with technology and how the impossible becomes possible with technology. And anyway..i think that declarations of love using modern technology are super romantic!

I leave you with the blog… in it they describe the pictures and show the before and after… they also talk about techniques and videos and other cool stuff….I think i am in love with their site… and feel that anyone who likes photography would also fall in love with it … 

By the way…I wonder why at our side of the world, we don’t see this kind of creativity manifested in any way? I mean is it lack of drive? lack of tools? lack of training?… what is it?

True to my expectations, it was simply standing there… by the way the shooting did not take place in the real building it took place in a neighbouring building…it looked better in front of the cameras.
 

Mawtini
My homeland, My homeland
Majesty and beauty, sublimity and splendor,
Are in your hills, are in your hills

Life and deliverance, pleasure and hope
Are in your air, are in your air
When will I see you? When will I see you?
Secure and prosperous
Victorious and honored
Will I see you in your eminence
Reaching the stars, reaching the stars?
My homeland, my homeland

My homeland, my homeland
Our youth will not tire, until your independence
Or they will die, or they will die
We will drink from death and never be to our enemies
Like slaves, like slaves

We do not want, we do not want
An eternal humiliation nor a miserable life,
An eternal humiliation nor a miserable life,
We do not want, but we will bring back
Our illustrious history, our illustrious history
My homeland, my homeland

My homeland, my homeland
The sword and the pen not the talk nor the quarrel
Are our symbols, are our symbols
Our glory and our covenant and a duty to be faithful
Arouse us, arouse us

Our honor, Our honor
Is a noble cause and a waving banner
Is a noble cause and a waving banner
O, behold you in your eminence
Victorious over your enemies
Victorious over your enemies
My homeland, my homeland

مَــوطِــنِــي مَــوطِــنِــي،

لجـلالُ والجـمالُ والسَّــنَاءُ والبَهَاءُ

فـــي رُبَــاكْ فــي رُبَـــاكْ،

والحـياةُ والنـجاةُ والهـناءُ والرجـاءُ،

فــي هـــواكْ فــي هـــواكْ،

هـــــلْ أراكْ هـــــلْ أراكْ،

سـالِماً مُـنَـعَّـماً و غانما مكرما سالما منعما و غانما مكرما،

هـــــلْ أراكْ فـي عُـــلاكْ،

تبـلُـغُ السِّـمَـاْ تبـلـغُ السِّـمَا،

مَــوطِــنِــي مَــوطِــنِــي

مَــوطِــنِــي مَــوطِــنِــي،

الشبابُ لنْ يكِلَّ هَمُّهُ أنْ تستَقِـلَّ أو يَبيدْ،

نَستقي منَ الـرَّدَى ولنْ نكونَ للعِــدَى، كالعَـبـيـــــدْ كالعَـبـيـــــدْ ،

لا نُريــــــدْ لا نُريــــــدْ،

ذُلَّـنَـا المُـؤَبَّـدا وعَيشَـنَا المُنَكَّـدا، ذُلَّـنَـا المُـؤَبَّـدا وعَيشَـنَا المُنَكَّـدا،

لا نُريــــــدْ بـلْ نُعيــــدْ، مَـجـدَنا التّـليـدْ مَـجـدَنا التّليـدْ،

مَــوطِــنــي مَــوطِــنِــي

مَــوطِــنِــي مَــوطِــنِــي،

الحُسَامُ و اليَـرَاعُ لا الكـلامُ والنزاعُ،رَمْــــــزُنا رَمْــــــزُنا،

مَـجدُنا و عـهدُنا وواجـبٌ منَ الوَفا،يهُــــــزُّنا يهُــــــزُّنا،

عِـــــــزُّنا عِـــــــزُّنا،غايةٌ تُـشَــرِّفُ و رايـةٌ ترَفـرِفُ،

يا هَـــنَــاكْ فـي عُـــلاكْ، قاهِراً عِـــداكْ قاهِـراً عِــداكْ،

مَــوطِــنِــي مَــوطِــنِــي

Beside the fact that he is extremely charming, his almost three- hour lecture/workshop was informative, amusing and enlightening.  He showered us with stories, anecdotes and jokes from his life.  However he did not allow the original thread out of his mind. Public Speaking. An area, he has proved over the years that he excels at.

“In your lives, look around you, see the beauty in the little things. Go to work, enjoy what you do…. Build an exchange between yourself and your surroundings….”

He reminded us that people had similar reactions, when Abdali was sold. He then defended the project in hindsight, as a project that would revive the Aabdali area, would create employment and modernize life there.  Would also get rid of the suffocating traffic that was created by the old Mukhabarat and army quarters.  His theory about the subject, was that today, Jordan is seen as a possible place for IT and banking back office services.  That area is the perfect location for such project.  He agreed however with some of the objections, that people deserve to have more transparency, and that we (culturally) believe that anything that is hidden, implies that something is wrong. Suprisingly, the next day I was watching the news from afar and heard an official talking about the rumours,  and promising full transparency when it comes to selling that area (could not see who he was, as I was too far away from the TV.)

Biltaji attributed most of our trouble as a nation to the fact that we lack loyalty to this land, that we lack a sense of belonging. We don’t feel like citizens, he explained that this country would give a lot, if someone is willing to give back.

What motivates me to write today is that I have sadly lost a friend. The moment I walked into the place where I was supposed to meet him, after months of being away. This friend told me that our friendship came to end.. it is sad but it is true. I was so shocked from his greeting… but talking about it was pointless… his mind was made up… he is stubborn about his decisions and about his friendships and that was that.

I left the place feeling completely upset… I could not not understand what was I being punished for… I felt his reaction was too strong for whatever I have done… because a reaction this strong is only worthy of a big crime… and as far as I know I have not committed any crimes towards him.

My friend was punishing me for the way I function… needless to say I felt it was unfair… but let me explain a bit. I am one of those people who need some time off from the world every now and then… my life is so rich, so full of people, of colours of experiences of misery and stories ( which comes as a result of my work as a youth worker and anthropologist) that often, I need to shut down to make sense of it all… That is not the worst part about me.. but I am the type of person who gets completely absorbed into things… and then when these things are over I move on to the next things, only to get completely absorbed by them.

This is very difficult to handle…I admit that,  and maybe that explains why I was never good at keeping friends… they can’t handle my lapses of silence, my need to be away, to shut the world out… I always come back.  But often, when I come back they would have moved on, and no longer have a place for me in their lives… I have a few good friends though… I am not sure if they are the ones who don’t get affected, or the ones who have a more balanced relationship with me or they are the ones who are too busy with their own lives that this type of relationship suites them as much as it suites me…An example of this is my silence on blogging… I just needed to be away… and when I need to be away… I need to be away, a bit like a baby maybe when she is first born… she sleeps a lot, because she sees things and then needs to sleep to deal with them… ( this is psychology 101)

My friend… lets call him Nader, has been very important to me in the last few years, he was very generous and very supportive, he gave and gave and gave… but I was unable to match his giving, and therefore he just could not handle it anymore, he decided to downgrade me to an acquaintance… yes… what Marguerite Atwood says in her Blind Assassin is true ” the other side of selflessness is tyranny”… in a way I understand…

But what baffles me is this culture of punishment that we come from, where we feel that we have the right to punish people for doing things, or for not doing things. For saying things or not saying them, for acting in a certain way or maybe not acting in a certain way… I guess this is why a lot of us have compartmentalized lives… where we never reveal ourselves completely, we keep secrets about our true feelings, or true needs or desires or dreams from the closest people, from our best friends… we somehow know that if we don’t measure up to their expectations we will be punished… I guess it is in all cultures.. but it is very sharp and colourful in our culture… it has a RED ORANGISH colour that stands out sharply within the smooth colours of our days…

Is it something that we inherited from our Bedouin ancestors, where a mistake meant life or death? or maybe religion? And then we internalized as a culture and inherited the attitudes generation after genration?    

No resolutions… I feel sad.. but I need to concentrate on my thesis… it is due in a couple of weeks and I still have not written one word… the knowledge is there though…. I will make it… there is no other choice.

On a lighter note… I am rereading the Blind Assassin… one of the books that I loved a few years ago when I read it the first time… it was harsh… very harsh… but was so beautiful, so human… it touched me to the core… I am not disappointed… I love it even more this time around. To Nader I will light a candle… maybe one day he will learn how to accept me and love for who I am and not for he wants me to be.

…. I spent at least half of my life believing that there is one person for each one of us. I blame this idea that was planted in my head at an early age on a conversation I had at a very early age with a friend that I looked up to at that point of my life.  This friend said once in a moment of lucidity that we only have one true friend and we only have one true love.  Since I was gullible and easily impressionable, and the words came out of my mentor’s lips from all people, I lived years and years not only believing intensely in that idea, but fighting for proving it is right!  Ironically this friend’s life has been the perfect example of the opposite extreme!  His lifestyle is the proof that this nice idea is only a nice idea!  He has been going out steadily with at least 3 “fiends” because he hates the term girl friend and these “friends” not only know about each other, but somehow they managed to become best friends! With time my friend stopped believe in marriage, he does not think that one person can satisfy all his needs…. But I won’t get into this today. This is worthy of a post on its own!

Couple of years ago, I was talking to a mathematician friend, and I was arguing passionately that we only have one true love, and this friend went into a calm logical explanation that this is mathematically impossible, as there are 6 billion people on this earth and the probability that we fall in love more than once is simply more than 1!!! And I had no other option but to see the error of my ways!

These three conversations came to my mind today in my trip from Aqaba to Amman where I spent it being amused by May Ziadeh’s confused love stories. May was in love with 3 different men. A German guy, with whom she had a brief thing, but he disappeared from her life at a later stage and she ended up going to Germany few times to find him.

Gibran Khalil Gibran, with whom she corresponded for more than 25 years.  The stories say they have never met, although one rumour was that they met once, for one whole night, where they spent it talking على ذمة the person who came up with the rumour. Gibran on the other hand had a very busy love life that was characterized by a series of intense affaires with different partners. At the same time he was corresponding with May, sometimes very emotional and romantic letters, he was seriously dating a woman in Boston, having affaires left right and centre, with several girls and corresponding seriously with another lady!

So since their love story was only platonic it never crystallized into anything concrete, they loved each other without really loving each other. There was no passion, obviously since they never met and if the rumour was true they only spent one night together, that was not passionate enough because it never led to any other nights.  There was also no commitment what so ever because of his bohemian lifestyle and her strict feminist views and belief that love must lead to marriage other wise it is not love at all.  Beside the fact that they both were in love with other people. And whether in my idealistic phase or in my cynical one, the one thing that remains unchanged is that relationships without passion is not the kind of love I am talking about here.

The third man in her life was Abas Mahmoud il Aqad. A man that was the object of my fantasies since I was very young.  His dark skin and good looks, his defiance to the school system that he never finished, yet managed to become Abas Mahmoud il Aqad,  one of the most intelligent and intellectual men in our culture, all were elements that made me completely fancy Al Aqad, even if he is not a person in my life, yes the very same kind of feelings girls have for Enrique Iglesias,  Orlando Bloom or that cute Egyptian actor il sa2a..  May and Al Aqad had a very flirty relationship, where they dated on weekly basis… he wrote her lots of beautiful poems, and she wrote him lots of naughty letters… however, their love died in the crib, because she called him once and the phone was answered by Sarah, a woman that he fancied!

I guess what I am trying to say here, is that love is something very volatile, it comes and goes, and maybe it is time for girls to move away from this Cinderella notion, because I promise human beings are too weak and curious to fall in love only once.

I remember few years ago, I was attending a wedding in Boston. I was standing with few people, when this gorgeous lady was introduced to us. The moment she left, one of the guys who were standing commented that she was an ice queen, another guy answered that she has to be an ice queen, she has to have an iron shield to protect herself from all the scum she meets… which was a wonderfully perceptive and sensitive remark considering it was coming from a guy.

Arab women have to have iron shields to survive; they walk on thin ice every second of their lives….  Just walking in shmeisani, or  Sweifieh or Duwar Abdoun or anywhere really makes me feel completely conscious of what I am wearing and the way I walk, some of the comments are just too much to handle!  A girl gives part of herself to a man out of love mind you and she is a whore in his dictionary the day after, I picked this sentence from a book years ago, I am not sure by whom though, it could be Haidar Haidar walima li A3shab il ba7r, or Ahlam Mustaghanemi zakiratu il jasad. This man however, would still consider himself, maybe not a saint, but definitely not a whore! Yes there are men who are whores, although probably they are called something else! And he would still look at himself in the mirror feeling completely at peace with himself. This man’s judgment comes from a society that has several different standards to judge, one for him and one for her… simply because one standard does not work and will never work…

I am not talking about sexuality alone… I am talking about everything, about relationships in the family, about relationships in the neighbourhood, about ethics at work? In the street?

One thing that always shocks me is talking to Arabs outside the Arab world, People who live by the rules of God… praying whenever it is time to pray, preaching when it is suitable and when it is not….yet the only other topic they talk about is how to beat the system, how to create ways to use the loop holes in the system… The holes that could not be covered and are left for people’s sense of ethics… especially when it comes to financial issues….. Ok I am talking very high level here, let me give a very simple example… one of my acquaintances uses the free refill system in movie theatres, he buys the popcorn bag once and then keeps the bag.  Whenever he comes back to the theatre he brings that very same bag and refills it J funny no?  Well this is only one example…. Another one is getting in public transportation for free, and running away from taxes, and living on the welfare programs…. And so many other examples… the problem is not in doing these things, the problem is in feeling that it is ok to do them…

To answer the original question, do Arab women sleep around? From an Arab woman’s perspective, between the answers of some of my single friends who don’t have boyfriends at all because it 7aram and it is shameful, and those who save themselves to the moment prince charming will show up on his white horse, and the others who leave their boyfriends because they ‘started playing with hands’ and those who carry their boyfriends’ pictures around and ask everyone to say good night, this actually happened in one of my youth projects, a young girl was carrying the picture and asking everyone to say good night to the picture and the teddy bear, who are her husband and her son! To the other extreme, all those stories you hear about girls going through virginity restoration operations just before their wedding nights…

And my married friends on the other hand, who are so dedicated to their husbands and their homes, they don’t even have time to think about anything outside the kids and the meals and the house and what is left of the career, and those who have forgotten how to chat with people outside their social circles, and yet another group a bit older though, who complain that their husbands are no longer interested in them, because according to them “il la7em bikhawi” yes I did found this expression to be very vulgar it is translated into the flesh creates a siblinghood, after a while they become like brothers and sisters! And all these ladies scattered around the streets of Amman and the Arab world, and in cheap hotels, either because they have no other choice, or because they are driven to it, or maybe because it is their way of resistance….   I feel that sometimes it is better to leave things unsaid, so I choose not to say anything at all.By the way, I just love being an anthropologist, it opened a door for me to be able to discover and talk about worlds that were completely closed to me before, I started believing in the Islamic saying “la 7aia2a fi il deen” which means there is no room for shyness in religion only I started thinking that there is no room for shyness in science and humanity as well.

We went to this club after dinner, because we decided it would be nice to spend some time together. Our semester is coming to an end, and we are all a bit sad about it, especially that half of the class will not be there next year, as they graduate this year.

We went to this club off Oxford Street; it was freezing cold with a little snow. We went into the club, it was very smoky and people standing near each other like a sardines in a can. People were dressed in baggy pants worn very loosely, baseball caps worn backwards; oversized rugby or polo shirts, and expensive tennis shoes, some of them even had sun glasses.

What was very striking is that it would seem like a male dominated African culture yet, it is a culture that crossed over different ethnicities and gender, and you find people from everywhere, just enjoying the music and united in this amazing atmosphere. I really liked looking at my class mates, Christian and Carla, who are a very well dressed, always impeccably tidy and fashionable and who would go there and start singing and dancing… they looked completely out of place with their fashionable clothing, yet very much at home.

It was a Karoke night, where people will have wrote their names before hand and they would be called to sing the songs they prepared… it was like being part of the movie 8 mile… the whole concept is street language transmitted to the hip hop culture through rap music. Since Christian knew the DJ and the presenter and some of the performers, we were privileged to go all the way to the front and stand with the DJ and the presenter, who were really good and seemed to be enjoying that music.

I had an absolutely great evening, I felt so young, so alive  and just so out there  at the top of the world!  and i completely loved it… maybe i would develop  a hip hop ear, because the ear i have suffered some aches! but with time

It was cool man! Yeah yeah!

I was at a business meeting in al Rai building few years ago when I had this strong urge to visit the ladies’, only to discover that the ladies’ do not exist…all the bathrooms were gent’s! But I really had to go and so I decided that a man got to do what a man got to do so I ventured in. My first reaction was shock at the structure of the bathroom they have these sinks that I later learnt are called urinals. My second reaction was being scandalized at how dirty men’s bathrooms are! When I was done I obviously wanted to leave but I was faced with a second dilemma, there were men in the bathroom! I waited a bit, listening with all my heart, and when I was sure that no one was there, I ventured out… however to my complete chagrin, there was ONE man there at those sinks! Imagine the situation a woman in men’s room in AMMAN! emboldened by the ridiculousness of the situation I did what a woman would do in a bathroom… I smiled, said hi and stormed out of the whole building never to come back again!

Men and women have completely different bathroom cultures…While women’s restrooms are networking lounges and counseling centers, where we can meet interesting people. Men’s bathrooms are exactly that… bathrooms! In our bathrooms, we discuss everything, people, clothing, events, our problems, our friends’ problems and gossip. While we apply make-up, we discuss application techniques and brands; we pass toilet paper under the gap, and continue our conversation across the wall even with strangers, while going about our business… it is rare but not unheard of that two women would go in the same cubicle to finish the conversation!

Men on the other hand discuss NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! They don’t talk in the bathroom, even if they were there with their best friend… they try to keep the conversation to a minimum! They certainly will not talk, while sitting on the toilet, and they will never meet another man’s gaze. What I found most interesting was that men also have a territorial ritual while in the bathroom. If there are five urinals in a row, the first man will choose the urinal furthest from the door, the second man will choose the urinal furthest from the first man, the third man will choose the one in the middle and the fourth will go in a cubicle!!!