I quite often find myself being swayed into situations where I did not want to be in the first place, simply because I did not know how to say ‘NO’. As a matter of fact, I am so bad at saying no, that I looked into my dictionary recently only to realize that the word has disappeared! I erased it, not realizing the dramatic effects, evading this word have on my life.

Let me give an example here. I have been part of a project since last May. The project will end in October in–sha-Allah. And when it does, I will drive to the airport road, stop at the nearest jar market, buy the biggest jar and break it then and there! (In my home, we use this as an expression when unwanted guests leave…This project started feeling like an unwanted guest!)

The reason behind my frustration is that I was supposed to work for 30 days, but I have already worked 90… but…why? … every time, they call me and ask me, nicely to do something, I find myself avoiding the scary ‘NO’. I have been doing tasks that have nothing to do with me or my experience, tasks that I don’t even have time for…. tasks that  no one wants to do, so they throw them on the silly girl who says yes every time!

People, avoid saying ‘NO’ because they do not like the idea of confrontation, or maybe they just want to avoid the anxiety that is involved in refusing a request. In this particular case, I don’t say NO because I want to leave a good impression, sine these are the organizations i would work with as a freelancer….  But i think that i learnt my lesson… next time i will negotiate beforehand.

Yet, I wonder if things are more complicated than this…I wonder if there is more to it than the reasons I mentioned here…

Could it be that we are not built culturally to say “NO” … I am talking about hundreds of years of inherited traditions as Bedouins and travellers… Let me explain a bit… as we know, respect for the hardships of the desert has filled Bedouin culture with a celebrated sense of hospitality…  This generosity survived during our cultural evolution and with time it became so embedded in our collective memory that we forgot about our need and our right to say ‘NO’?

That was a farfetched thought? ok… Let me come up with another possible reason..I grew up in what I call a culture of consensus; the impenetrable shield of good manners and conventions. I was trained from girlhood to serve and please and abide by prevailing social norms.  The word ‘NO’ simply did not fit in that picture of loveliness and peace.  I say ‘YES’ to others because I want to please them, and ‘YES’ always marks the beginning of my problems; why? Well there is a trap that I manage to overlook every time I agree to a request. Eventually I won’t be able to deliver, I will let people down and I will end up losing my credibility… and of course no one will be happy.  

The one million dinars question is how can I say ‘NO’ without looking like a wretched human being?

 What do they say?

 Laila says that the answer itself does not matter… it is the attitude.

“Never commit, always say you will check your calendar… and that you will get back to them later…”

 Dina on the other hand suggested something along these lines..

 “Attach to it a difficult circumstance r condition” she said… “like ohhh… sure… but… if it would only take a couple of  hours”

 Omar advises

Don’t do it, but provide alternatives. (“I can’t do that task today, but how about next Friday,”  hopefully it would be too late!

 Good ideas… will start using them… and hopefully with time i would learn how to insert back NO into the dictionary.