I think, probably, this is one of the most debated questions in the history of human kind.  Men and women are all curious about the differences between them, but in reality what they are curious about is: which sex is more capable? Men or women?

Last week N-Man said a typical male comment in a moment of anger. He empathizes with Saudis for not allowing women to drive! Naturally, I found the comment to be sexist. I tried to argue that this is a myth, but obviously the male ego is much larger than any logical arguments. Therefore, we started an experiment; while driving together we would count the number of weighty mistakes and check what the gender of the driver is.

We decided that we can only count violations that we see while we are in the same car, because each one of us was trying to prove a point.  Also, N-man excluded taxi drivers, which is as a shame really, since taxi drivers are a great source to prove that men are not better drivers than women!

Now the count was 6 to 8. Women made more mistakes in the few hours we were together in the car… I am sure that another hour would have balanced the accounts.

However, this was not the point, even though I would like you to go through a similar process and count driving mistakes and let us know about the number of mistakes made by women vs. men.

Anyway

I think the end result was that women’s mistakes were very different from men’s. Men tend to drive more aggressively than women and display their aggression in a direct manner. I feel their aggression is related to either impatience or to showing off… They break the law, they take silly and unnecessary risks… Women on the other hand, I don’t know… my feeling is that they make mistakes because they lack knowledge in road rules or possibly lack of experience? I mean they hesitate, they flinch, they don’t respect priorities. I don’t know…

I also think that men are conditioned socially to be drivers… they grow up loving cars and fantasizing about driving them… on a different note, women sometimes use the myth that they are worse drivers as an excuse to get by or break the laws…

I asked several people about their ideas on women and men driving skills:

N-man, driving for 9 years, Amman

“men, because women lack motor skills”

Feras, driving for 17 years, Madaba

“men drive better, they have more technical  skills.”

Abeer, driving for one year, Baqa’a

“Men, they know how to deal with the car better than women”

Hanan, driving for 10 years, Zarqa

“women, because they are more careful. Men tend to take more risks than women.”

Siham, driving for 2 years, Mafraq

“women, for a simple reason, in Mafraq, people to tend to ignore the road rules and laws. Women are more careful because they tend to be more fearful than men, so they need to be more careful. Therefore better drivers.”

Samer, driving for one year, Amman

“It is men of course, and if there are more accidents or mistakes by men. It is because the number of male drivers is much much higher than women. So proportionally, the number is higher”

Rami, driving for 10 years, Amman

“1000000% men! As a matter of fact, I am one of those who find myself cursing the person who gave a woman her license! Women think they own the street, they are slow, they don’t respect the rules.. they don’t use flash or indicators. Men might do the same, but we know what we are doing… women on the other hand are just confused!”

 In my mosque, they decided to dedicate the basement as a praying space for women. It is HUGE.  And since Ramadan is still at the beginning, the number of women at the mosque does not exceed one line; so we feel we are in a play ground.

Someone donated big water bottles during the month of Ramadan, but they failed to appear in the women’s section. I will check in the coming few days to see if the bottles will make it there.

Women still bring very small children to the mosque, and in the basement the children seem to think we are indeed in a playground!  They run, they shout and they play… a woman would yell at them every now and then… but they still come every day. I think the only oblivious women are their mothers.

Younger and younger women use chairs these days, they seem exhausted.  So in our one line of women, at least half of them pray while seated on chairs… I wonder why women in our part of the world fade away very quickly.  Is it the hard labor they do? Is it lack of sports? Is it life weight?

kul 3am and everyone bikhair!

When i thought about this title, I had a very simple idea in mind; marveling at how comfortable average spanish women look in their daily dressing modes…… No one cares, no one stares, no one gives obscene remarks,… it is almost impressive!

Obviously i am excluding immigrants and minorities in this statement. I am also excluding the contravery of the niqab and the hijab in Europe, in addition to the contraversy that is created by different things such as German Ad Liaison Dangereuse Sexiness for everyone, which left me completely confused. Mostly because it was one of few things i did not know how i felt about… did i like it? did i hate it? was it offensive? was it empowering? What was it?

Let´s put all contraversy in Europe aside and bring the focus to our side of the world. It hit me that notions of human rights place a high value on free speech in our side of the world while barely addressing clothing.

Freedom of dress is just another freedom we lack in Jordan. However purely by social and self imposed restrictions… (like most things really) The thing is we don´t see freedom of dress as an essential aspect of free expression. We see it as part of a collective identity that is imposed either by peers or by authoritarian systems. (this  include both parts of Amman).

I am not sure why two particular stories occur to me now. A young woman reported a case of sexual harrassment by a university professor. It truly surprised me that her male peers said that this happened because she did not wear a jilbab (she adopts the headscarf and is actually conservative… I mean she is not one of those who cover their hair but forget to cover other parts of their bodies).  She was hurt by the comments then: she wondered what did her society want more of her.

The other story took place a few months ago, when a young friend was  heart broken because  her mother would not let her buy a particular brand. When questioned about the reason she wanted to buy that brand. She admitted that if she did not wear it, her peers would marginalize her and belittle her. Needless to say the brand in question was outside her parents cultural league. Worst yet, it was neither her style nor her passion to wear as was expected… but she felt obliged to wear it in order to appease and to fit in.

These two girls can not practice any form of freedom of self expression even though they are both conforming to society. One to peers and the other to a patriarchal system.

It is interesting to me that this paricular type of oppression affects women more than men and i wonder if it would have had more value on the agenda of fight for freedom if men were affected more?

No resolutions today… the whole post if a fleeting thought.

I must warn you guys that i am writing this with the most difficulty. To start with, I am staying at a farm in the middle of nowhere. Secondly, Internet is a rare commodity in these areas and thirdly the keyboard i am using is a veteran from World warI. God bless it, for still working.  Fourthy, EVERYTHIN is in Spanish! So today my spelling mistakes must be forgiven!

The farm is a heavenly heavenly HEAVENLY spot! It stands on a flat spot and is surrounded by miles of green meadows. Ohh it belongs to my grandmother. It is nice to spend time with the family… they are all the same, but a bit bolder and bit greyer..

They have chicken and horses and dogs…in a nearby farm ( a few kilometers away) they have cows and pigs! We have to be quiet around pigs because they are sensetive. Around, you smell the smell of earth, mixed with shit and farmenting plants… Seriously,  What more chic was I hoping for?

I am so relaxed, I forgot all about the work, and the stress of serving 170  studnets on a daily basis… I now believe that Heaven must be a place where no phone nor computers  exist. I hope they have different ways of communication there. I am hoping telepathy?

By theway, I realized how spoilt we are in Amman, we are living in a bubble of materialism, consumption and services  that we forgot how to enjoy the simple pleasures of life… such as cleaning, and cooking and living…simply living.

Anyway, I  need to log off, my daily buisness is to get the frech eggs. It is almost time for breakfast  So  will try to write as often as i can.

One last thing… i have never seen so much water in one place (put aside big rivers and seas…) but in a home I mean. There is a small stream running in the farm!

Hens are calling so till later.

Um Raed, our neighbour at the Jabal. She has a wide range of children (literally). The age range starts from 5 and ends at 25.

Her life is difficult, mostly because her husband is a mean old lazy bum. He could never keep a proper job, and he never quite figured out the meaning of a wife and the responsibility that comes with children. He is one of those who believe that he has rights, but never really fathoms the meaning of responsibilities. Possibly this explains why she has many children… since the husband does not bother with providing for them, he does not mind having them.

I see her on my way to work. I look for her every day, her sense of humour is brilliant and her smile is just very hopeful. Last week, I realized that I had not seen her in a couple of days. I asked Abdullah, the neighbour, about her and he told me she is recovering. “ kheir, inshalla, what is she recovering from?” I asked.

Abdallah, explained that a few days ago, he heard her scream, he thought it was one of the usual, almost daily, episodes with her husband. But soon he realized that the other voice he heard was not her husband, but her eldest son.

Her son does not like the fact that she works as a cleaner. His role model is his lazy father; so needless to say, he has chosen the same path. The son asked her for moneyto buy cigaretts, and when she refused, he started cursing, shouting and offending her. He told her that she is a prostitute; this is what she does at her work as a cleaner. He told her that she is an ugly bitch, and that his father’s biggest mistake was to marry a prostitute; he added that if his father is a man, he should divorce and marry another woman.

Um Raed was shocked. She never expected that one of her sons would ever utter such horrible things. Especially, that the only reason she works is to put food on the table for her family, since her husband and her sons fail to provide. She found herself slapping her son. He became so angry. Next thing she experienced was being dragged by her hair outside the house. Her son started beating her up, brutally, in the middle of the street.

Abdallah, the neighbour found himself jumping and yanking the boy off his mother, then he started beating him up. Abdallah said that his blood boiled, and started beating the boy so strongly, until Um Raed, who was crying humiliated (she was not dressed properly, her hair loose, even though she is mahajabeh) started shouting at Abdallah to leave the boy alone. More people gathered to break them off each other.

Abdallah now was angry. He told her. “ It is my fault, I came to help you !” She answered crying: “But he is my son, I did not want you to kill him”

I talked her, she is ok now. She says that something broke inside her. She knows that her son is imitating his father, and she worries that the other sons will do the same, as they grow.

I am not sure what I could say to such story… it is very sad that this women feels all her sacrifices had not been appreciated. It is very sad that she put all her hopes on her sons, and they turned out to be the way they turned out to be.  It is sad that sometimes, women spoil their sons in the name of love, and they end up paying very very high ” she prices.  “Um Raed asked me not to call her that again.

 she said upset,  ”I am not anyone’ mother from now on” she wants to be called by her maiden name.”My mother respected me, she gave me my name, why would i give it up to these sons of dog.

P.S. I know the picture is not suitable. But i saw it, and i found myself laugh my heart out! as we say in Arabic ” shar il baliya ma yud7ik” Which means the worst disasters make you laugh

I heard a great story few weeks ago. I am not sure how true it is, but I certainly hope it is not. The story was about a state of the art youth centre that has been built a year ago as a response to an acute need in an area. What is particularly interesting about this centre is that youth are not allowed in! They will only be allowed in when the king opens it officially.

The people who told me the story explained that those who manage the centre need to make sure that it stays in a top notch condition, until that day his majesty comes to open it.” You know young people destroy things and it should stay clean” my feeling was yeah right, who cares about youth, until the opening ceremony day, they have to wait in the streets.

I am not sure what bothered me more the story or the attitude towards it, especially that those who mentioned the situation are considered a governmental body that caters for youth.

On a different occasion. I spent last week trying to explain to people in a “Mafraq” organization that we should not stop a planned training from taking place because His Majesty might be in Mafraq. I am not sure when i turned into a preacher, but i heard myself repeat a line over and over again, “I am sure the king will be happier seeing us work to build our nation!”

On Saturday in Mafraq

The training did go through, but it was one of those trainings where you wished you did not plan at all.  A bunch of participants left in the middle of the training without any warning. They disappeared for several hours and when they finally showed up; they threw fits because they were not given certificates of attendance. Naturally, they waved the patriotism card.

On the one hand, I understand the glory of seeing the king. I truly do. However, the readiness in which people sacrifice work and then pretend it is “patriotism” is something that surprises me every time.

In the youth centre mentioned earlier, I am not sure how leaving youth in the streets vulnerable to drugs and conflicts with the law is considered patriotic… for some reason it seems to me that attracting young people is more important that a good opening ceremony… but what would I know?

Quick note with the help of our friend Wikipedia.

“During the 18th century Age of Enlightenment, the notion of patriotism continued to be separate from the notion of nationalism. Instead, patriotism was defined as devotion to humanity and beneficence. For example, providing charity, criticizing slavery, and denouncing excessive penal laws were all considered patriotic.

“When the girl who was burried alive was asked: for what crime was she killed?” ~Surat Takweer (81:8) and (81:9)

Rania, a young friend came to talk to me a couple of days ago. She wanted to seek my advice.  “ I am embarrassed of M.” She started off her sentence.  “M.” is a common acquaintance. They both study the same major at university.

This innocent sentence turned out to be a BIG can of worms.

She and M. worked on an assignment for the university together last week.  Next day, he sent her a message to check up on her.  She responded to him with a polite but curt message.

She showed me both messages. 

The stars were not aligned that day, her brother decided to toy with her phone and saw the messages… obviously he did not understand the context and did not care to understand.  Rania looked at him in shock when he slapped her the first time.  She did not see the second slap coming, she only felt it. It was all confusing after that.  Her mother and sister interfered in time.  They grabbed him and jerked him off her, while he was shouting that he was going to kill her.

The mother kicked the brother out of the house, which was the best she could do at that point, but turned out to be a bad decision. The boy went to his uncles and sought their help in cleansing the family’s honor. They called M, asked him who he was and threatened to destroy him.  He asked them to come and meet him to sort the misunderstanding out. He gathered his friends and cousins  and waited for her men folk to come… But, FORTUNATELY, they never made it there.

Rania’s father is abroad, and was oblivious to the thunder that was forming in the horizon. Her biggest fear was for her uncles’ to inform the father.    She sat home for the last few days feeling a tingling in her arms and a thousand knots in her stomach. She felt that she might be facing her end very soon.

Last few days, we have been plotting our own plans of action, in case we needed them.  Family protection unit was one option and a friend suggested that she should seek refuge in the house of the Sheikh of his tribe.  Our plans were laid down to the last detail.

Things took a positive course last minute.  The father came back, and sat down with Rania calmly to understand the details of the issue. He understood and told her that he was going to protect her from his son and brothers.

Rania can breathe for the first time in few days… she still worries that her uncles might change her father’s mind.  She said that she has delegated the whole issue to God and is confident God will protect her.

Rania brought to mind a painful memory from the past, another young woman, who faced a similar situation.  Only in her case, her grandfather abused her sexually and the family decided to kill her in order to shut her up. She survived as well, a foreign embassy had to interfere, as she was holding a foreign passport.

Rania asked me a very legitimate question… “who will protect me? “

What ends up happening usually is that she will be put in a prison cell for a few weeks till things calm down, and when the person in charge gets a written approval that they will not kill her, they set her free…. In some cases, she gets killed regardless.

I can’t stop wondering if an innocent message justifies the death of an innocent young woman.

شرح انه فكرة الشهامه بتوتر كثير من الستات. لما يحاول يحمل كيس ثقيل عن واحدة، بتطلع عليه ببرود و بتقوله “بقدر احمله لحالي” وبالتالي هو بفكر الله لا يردها، خليها تحمله لحالها. وضح محمد انه هو لما بيعرض على واحدة انه يحمللها اغراضها، هو بكون مدرك انه هي مش ضعيفه او اقل منه، بكون عارف انه هي قادرة… بس هو بالنسبة له هذا عرض احترام بسيط… المشكلة هي أن النساء بنزعجوا من احترامه، فبحس انهم ما بيستحقوا.

ن قال لي عن حادثه صارت معه و كانت في صلب الموضوع. كان هو ماشي قدام بنتين، دخل على مكان و انتظر على الباب و تركه مفتوح للبنات. لما حضراتهم وصلوا أخيرا، دخلوا وما شكروه و لا اتطّلعوا في خلقته . بقول انه البنات كانوا كتير وقحين و زي كأنه هو البواب اللي وظيفته انه يفتحلهم الباب. ن ما حس حاله انه بس انهان، بس شعر انه انقهر من هدول البنات. و قال انه الإنسان لازم تكون فيه نسبه حقد كتير كبيرة انه ما يشكر او ينظر لحدا عم بكون لطيف معه. كانت النتيجة شعورة انه المرأة الغرب عمانية ما بتيستحق الشهامة!

سامي قدم منظور ثالث، كان ماشي و شاف سيدة حامله طفل و كيسين. حاول يساعدها، بس هي فكرت انه عم بيتحركش فيها. و صارت تصرخ في وجهه في نص الشارع… سامي انحرج كتير و قال حسيت حالي قد الصرصور! بلش بدة يسب عليها و بس سب على حاله لأنه حاول يساعدها. قال، انه مشي و هو بدخن و معصب ووعد حاله انه ما عمره يساعد حدا. قال و هو بيمزح ” مش ناقصني اتحمل قضية شرف!”

ماهر بيقول انه الشهامه قلت بنسبة 80%، و السبب انه لما بيجي يساعد، البنات بيقولوا له ما دخلك. و لما تيجي تقول لشاب عن بنت بتخصه، بقول كل واحد اله بدفتر عائلته!

بلال ببقول انه الدنيا لسا فيها خير، و بالرغم انه بأكد على اراء الثانيين، بيقول انه في بعض الأحيان الشاب بيستحي انه يساعد او يعمل شي. و في كتير من الأحيان الثقافه بتمنعه. اذا ساعد مرأة على طول الناس بيتهموه بالرخص!

Last Saturday, a bunch of youth came to the organization, moslty because they were bored to death by their exams… They asked me to facilitate a conversation to answer the question de jour “ love or money?”

We organized the seats in a circle, but they naturally took two sides. Boys on one side of the room and girls on the other side… it was  going to turn into one of those classical gender conversations.  They were all ready to attack…

Here are some of the quotes I managed to capture.

Oh… they are all between 19 and 22 and I have not used their real names!

Fadi: “Love that brings money!”

Sana “You can’t have both.. life is about either money or love”

Riham: “what kind of logic is it that dictates for you to live penniless (tafran), only to love… it is not worth it”

Maher “ if she is not rich, then she must  be pretty… otherwise it is a waste of time and resources.

Bana: “ Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  Beauty is relative… the physical beauty is not everything. she might not be rich nor very pretty, but nice, decent, smart and respectful.  Or simply makes you laugh…. It depends on why you  choose to marry”

Rami “ you who took the monkey for his money, the money goes and the monkey stays the same!”

Basem: “ every guy knows why he is with his girl. It could be for fun or for marriage. I think that everyone should decide why they are with a certain person.  I had a girlfriend once. I loved her, but she was rich. I broke up with her, when she picked me up one day… I thought to myself, why am I on the right side of the car?  I knew that it was because I was sitting in her car. I asked myself what would happen if I go to ask for her hand for marriage, what would her father tell me?” I knew that the right thing to do was to set her free.

Mais: “I would love a man and support him even when he is penniless.”

Nour “ The question is very black and white. If I love someone, he must be the type that will get out of his poverty by hard work. So no worries… Love is important and so is the money… I don’t see why it should be and either or question”

Bana: “ I always think that if he does not have a house, where would I raise my kids? I don’t want my kids to grow up in a situation where I can’t provide them with their basic needs… so yes it is both…

Tamer “ ”Money is very important. God says in the Qura’an that money is the embellishment of life. However, we all know that money will come one day when we start working… so I think we should choose for love, because money will come eventually.”

 So what do you guys think?

قلم / محمود درويش – من كتاب حيرة العائد