الغيرة بين السيدات في الأردن

في شيء بيزعجني في السيدات العمّانيات ، خصوصا في السيدات الذكيات اللي تعبوا على حالهم، اشتغلوا كتير و قدروا ينجزوا شي في حياتهم. في الأساس انا كتير معجبه بأي سيدة بتنجح بالأردن، لأنه تخطي الصعاب و المطبات اللي بيخلقها المجتمع بيحتاج لسيدات بشخصيات كتير قوية، و ارادة حديدية و ذكاء اجتماعي كبير.

… ولكن لا بد انه في مشكلة ، كثير من هدول السيدات فيهم لؤم شديد! بيغاروا من بعض ،بشكّوا أسافين، وبيتنافسوا على كل المستويات. ما دام ولا واحدة احسن من التانيه، و ما دام ولا واحدة بتبين اكتر من التانيين، كل شيء تمام. بس يا ويل ويلها اللي بتنجح اكتر من التانيين.

هذه الظاهرة بتصير أسوء، لما يكون في ستات اصغر في الصورة. كتير بسمع جملة “بنات اخر زمن بفكروا انهم من مستوانا “. انا بشعر انه هذي الظاهرة موجودة بكثرة في مجال شغلي، بس بدأت اكتشف انها موجودة في معظم المجالات التانية و في كل الفئات العمرية في عمان. ومن الواضح أن مش كل السيدات هيك، بس كتير منا هيك!

موقف السيدات من بعض كتير بحيّر. معظم السيدات بعلّقوا كتير اهمية على صداقة و رأي و موافقة الستات التانين. وبيعتمدوا على بعض للدعم والتفهم. ولكن في نوع من عدم ثقة، و في نوع من الكره، الشدّة في معاملتهم لبعض. بنحكم على بعض بقسوة كبيرة، بنحقد على بعض و بنّم على بعض

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خلونا نفكر بها السيناريو. خلونا نطلب من أي رجل أنه يوصف سيدة. الرجال بالعادة بيحكوا صفات عامه. مثل: “هي طويلة. حلوة. بتضحك.” الست ، من ناحية تانية ، بتشرّح الست إللى بتوصفها لأجزاء صغيرة : ” عيونها كبيرة ، بس المسكارة كتير غامقة، وعينها الشمال اكبر بخمسة نانو من عينها اليمين. منخارها مفطوس، بس مش مثل منخاري… ” إذا كانت هذي مش منافسة ، مش عارفة شو يعني منافسة!

خلينا نرجع لأجدادنا أهل الكهوف عشان نفهم القصة….. الحقيقة انه المنافسة بين السيدات سببها غريزة البقاء التي انخلقت فينا. السيدات بزمن الكهوف، طوّروا مشاعر الغيرة من بعض، حتى يحموا الذكور. الدفاع عن الذكور بيضمن أن الذكر رح يبقى موجود حتى يدافع عن الأطفال (النسل) ، و يساعد في توفير الأكل لكل العائلة. و كمان في قضية الإنتقاء الطبيعي. يعني اذا كان الذكر قوي ؛ أولاده رح يكون عندهم فرصة أفضل في الحياة. فالشعور بالغيرة من “بيمبواللي لابسه تنورة قصيرة” ممكن تكون وسيلة لمحاولة انه الواحدة تلقط الذكر الأفضل، و تجيب منه اولاد حتى تستمر الجينات الجيدة.

هلأ خلينا نترجم هذا لوقنا الحاضر. نحنا تعلمنا المنافسه كحاجة فطرية لسببين كتير اساسين:

السبب الأول، انه نحنا بنعيش في مجتمع ذكوري بيسمح بتعدد الزوجات (كتير في رجال بيتركوا زوجاتهم حتى يتزوجوا ستات اصغر، او احلى او اغنياء اكتر…). المرأة بيبقى عندها شعور بعدم الأمان، لأنها بتحس انه يمكن استبدالها بسهولة . وحتى لو كان هذا ما بيأثر علينا بشكل مباشر، نحنا بنكبر و نحنا بنراقب أمهاتنا ، وعماتنا و خالاتنا وجداتنا و جارتنا، اللي يمكن كانوا تضرروا من هذا الموضوع، وتعلمنا و استوعبنا مواقفهم و تبنيناها من سن مبكرة. مثلا جدتي طول عمرها بتقول ما تأمني لصديقة، السبب فعليا هو انه هي شهدت كيف ابوها اتزوج على امها واحدة من معارفها و شهدت كل الحزن اللي تعرضتله امها، فاستوعبت هذا الشعور و نقلته لبناتها و حفيداتها. !

اما السبب التاني فهو موضوع موارد. في الأردن نسبة الذكور للإناث متساوية تقريبا ، و لكن بيحكمنا نظام اجتماعي معقد، مبني على المنفعة و القيمة الإقتصادية. و بالتالي الطبقات الإجتماعية الأعلى بالعادة ما يتزوجوا من الطبقات اللي اقل منهم. اللي بصير هو انه عدد الشباب و البنات غير متوازي في كل طبقة على حدا و زيادة على هيك الشباب بيتركوا الأردن بسبب وجود موارد افضل برة او بسبب هجرة الأدمغة، او لأسباب اقتصادية واجتماعية متعددة. البنات من الناحية التانية بيبقوا في الأردن، و عدد الشباب المناسبين بيصير اقل، و بالتالي لازم السيدات يتنافسوا على الموارد،.

البنات الصغار بيتعلموا أهمية انه يكون شكلهم انثوي و اغرائي، و بيصيروا يتنافسوا على الشكل الحسي و على المستوى المرئي وعلى كل المستويات. و قبل ما البنت تدرك شو اللي بصير، بتكون تعلمت انها ما تثق بكل النساء في مدارها. الشي اللي بحزن بالموضوع هو انه هذا بيتناقض مع قدرة المرأة المميزة في تشكيل علاقات، اذا بنطلع حولينا بنشوف انه المرأة في كثير من الحالات هي اللي بتحافظ على العائلة والمجتمعات المحلية متماسكة… وهذه الغيرة والمنافسة هي اللي بترجع مجتمعنا لعصر رجل الكهف

هذا الموضوع مترجم عن موضوع باللغة الإنجليزية، و لكن رجعت كتبته لأنه هذا الموضوع كرد فعل لموقف جديد

bambam

January 27th, 2010 at 11:31 · Reply

LoL somehow i think your caveman analogy would be better if it was “i don’t really care if he is sleeping with that other women for fun, as long as he remains my husband and buys me that lovely diamond ring i saw last week” since the womens jealousy mechanism by evolutionary psychology standards is triggered to protect against losing the man’s resources … not technically him.
Interesting non the less, especially drawing at how similar it is when it comes to the business world. Now i get it why tough women are feared in the business world, its because they already graduated from the school of hardknocks before us boys learn how to through a punch.
either way lovely article thanks

Madas Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 19:28

It is funny how you men always try to be the innocent ones here:) i am not sure i agree with you… i don’t think women are after men’s resources… a very few are… men want to be in a partnership… they enjoy the perks, and who wouldn’t?

As for this being part of business, it is very much so… men are not subjected to it as much as other women are, and these will become even harder once they break from this cycle of oppression…

Anyway… a long discussion

أشرف محيي الدين

January 27th, 2010 at 12:16 · Reply

في الواقع هذه زيارتي الاولى لهذه المدونة الجميلة وفعلا سعدت كثيرا بهذا المرور

أكثر ما أعجبني هو الحيادية والموضوعية في طرح فضية تخص المرأه وهو ما تفتقده العديد من كاتباتنا في هذه الايام عند الحديث عن المرأه

وفعلا بصراحه وعلى الرغم من العديد من المقالات التي قرأتها لم أجد كاتبه من الاردن تنتقد المرأه ولا بشكل من الاشكال ولذلك فعلا تستحقين كل التقدير والاحترام على هذه الموضوعية في طرح قضية تنتقد شيئا يتعلق بالمرأه

اسمحي لي يا سيدتي الفاضله أن أضيف شيئا على ما قلتي وأعتقد أن له علاقة كبيرة جدا بموضوع الغيرة بين السيدات وهو أننا في الاردن ذكورا وإناثا نعاني من مشكله خطيرة جدا تحدث عنها أحد الصحفيين يوما وهذه المشكله هي أننا (بلد الستة ملايين زعيم وزعيمة )

بمعنى أن كل فرد في هذا البلد يعتقد أنه الأفضل والأهم والأكثر تميزا ولا يمكن أن يقبل أبدا فكرة أن يعترف بوجود من هو أفضل منه وهنا صدقيني تكمن المشكله الرئيسه في مجتمعنا

أشكرك مرة أخرى ودمتي بكل الخير

Madas Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 19:23

شكرا للتعليق، في الحقيقة اعتقد انه موضوع المرأة شائك جدا في بلادنا، و خاصة انه المجتمع غير عادل و لكن هذا لا يعني انه المرأة لا تحمل جزء من المسؤولية. في العادة النساء بمثلون المرأة كأنها بلا حول و لا قوه. الجميع يتغاضى عن ان , المرأة هي جزء من الظلم الذي يقع على المرأة. لنأخذ المرأه التي تظلم المرأة التي تعمل كخادمه عندها، و الحمى التي تظلم كنتها. و الأم التي تسيطر على مصير بناتهاو لا تسمح لهن بإتخاذ قراراتهن، و المرأة التي تشجع ابنها على قتل ابنتها للشرف. كل هؤلاء نماذج من نساء حقيقيات و موجودات عندنا. هل الرجل بريء؟ لا هو ليس بريئا و لكن هذا ليس موضوعنا اليوم، سيكون في يوم ما….

kinzi

January 27th, 2010 at 15:02 · Reply

Darn.

It sucks to be illiterate in Arabic with a gender post at Madas like this one.

Sigh. Where’s my Van Dyke Qamoos?

Madas Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 19:15

Hey,
I am talking about women being cruel to other women… it is based on ano older article … here it is… if you read it you would know where we are

http://madas.jordanplanet.org/2006/12/08/the-witches-in-amman/

Sal.

January 27th, 2010 at 16:25 · Reply

Dear writer,

I have several comments on your article. I think it is interesting how you made jealousy a trait particular to Jordanian women, when in fact it is a general trait that extends to include all women and men! I also think that you have missed out on the most important factor which is when, who are accomplished and secured, generally, while experience jealousy, are not jealous of looks or silly details “nose, makeup or whatever” but mostly accomplishments that other peers “women and men” have. And that is a healthy thing because it pushes you to work hard and get to the point that you might find satisfactory.
With regard to women who seek husbands, in Jordan, I do not know where have you been living but in this country there is nothing easier than getting married, if you chose to…and if you do not mind getting fat ugly and miserable…because getting married here requires, a successful lady to lower her standards and give up on her dreams. Which is most women are single by choice!
And to tell you the truth, I am a working woman and the most trouble and jealousy i get from men! I did get trouble from one just one lady, but most of my other troubles where created by men because they have trouble seeing a woman “marah” get ahead and do the job they think that only they can do.

With all due respect, I believe that your article, while very amusing, misrepresented the core issue, which is how society, consciously and subconsciously, puts down women and tries to portray them as silly shallow beings whose mere purpose in life is to get married or look better for men, which in my experience at least NOT THE CASE AT ALL!!

Note: Whats with articles written in spoken Arabic!??

Madas Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 18:52

Dear reader

Thank you for your comment. Let me clarify the comments you have on my article. I am talking about Jordanian women, I am not talking about women of the world. You are right, jealousy is a global phenomenon… but I am taking one particular angle, which jealousy among Jordanian women. Whether this is a global phenomenon is not the issue here.

The type of jealousy I am talking about is the jealousy that Jordanian women get subjected to by other Jordanian women. I am talking about stronger women being cruel to less achieved women on purpose. I am not sure where your experience is, and if you ahve not been subjected to women’s cruelty, then you are a very lucky person, because a lot of us have been subjected to that …

As a matter of fact I have been here most of my life, and allow me to disagree with you. Maybe for you, marriage is the easiest thing here. This does not apply to most women. And allow me to disagree with you again, from my perspective, marriage does not cause women to be miserable and ugly and give up their dreams, a lot of very successful women are happily married, and have great careers and wonderful achievements.

I agree with you on trouble successful women get from men, but again, this is not the topic I am discussing here, this is worthy of a post on its own, if you feel like writing something, I would love to host you as a guest writer.

Note: what’s up with writing in English?

January 27th, 2010 at 16:41 · Reply

I just reread my post and realized that the sentences are missing some words!! but I think you get the idea!

Thank you )

January 27th, 2010 at 19:24 · Reply

Thank you for the reply,

Allow me to clarify a few points. 1. I am Jordanian and I have worked here all of my professional life, though I was not born and raised here. 2. I have experienced cruelty as i have clarified from ONE WOMAN vs many many men, point being if you consider women cruelty in relation to that you get from men you will realize (my experience again) that one incident with one woman does not qualify for Jordanian women jealousy generalization. 3. you maybe right that I am lucky but then again I am too giving you another perspective to the issue and being a woman and Jordanian I account, I think. 4. you may again be right saying that I maybe do not have problems getting married, but again I am a Jordanian woman and I am single by choice and I am giving a different perspective to the topic at hand. 5. from my experience I was asked to give up my job for marriage to work, as a matter of a fact one guy (almost engaged to) did not even ask until he heard me make arrangement to take a vacation off work and his response was “resign now you will not go back to work you do not need to work you will be MARRIED!!!!” It was there and then that I resigned HIM! So it did happen to me not once but several times so yes i was asked to give up my dream in order to marry. I agree a lot of successful women are married, I am not sure about HAPPILY! You see my experience and knowledge tells me differently.As for fat and ugly well if you are unhappy some grow fat and ugly and some manage to keep the charade. And while this is my view based on my perception and experience, it should not be overlooked and trivialized as though unrealistic. and when I asked about Arabic I said spoken Arabic when we write in Jordan and most Arab countries we use classical (al fusha) and not spoken. I write in English because my key board has no Arabic letters but I happen to love Arabic and can write and speak it like the native I am.

Anyway I thank you for the reply and when i decided to comment was because I thought maybe I can add to everyone’s information being part of the subject matter.

hatem abunimeh

January 27th, 2010 at 19:32 · Reply

مريم

نحنا كل شيء بنعمله بنحب يكون من الطراز ألأول ،ساطع ، متألق ، فريد من نوعه ، و لكن هذي للأسف غايه لا يمكن ان تدرك في معظم ألأحيان ليش لأنه ربنا خلقنا بقدرات متفاوته. لذلك فأنه من المتوقع ان لا نكون مميزين في إنتاجتنا في بعض ألأحيان، وفي احيان اخرى فأنه من المحتمل ان نفشل فشل جزئي او حتى كلي ،ولكن هذا الفشل لا يشكل نهاية الكون، الحياة في راي المتواضع عباره عن جولات مثل جولات الملاكمه، بعض جولات تربحها بنقاط، وجولات تخسرها ايضا بنقاط، وثمة جولات تتعادل بها مع خصمك، وممكن ايضا ان تتمكن اذا كنت واثق كل الثقه بنفسك ان تضرب خصمك ضربه فنيه قاضيه.

Madas Reply:
January 29th, 2010 at 09:24

انا موافقه معك.

Hiba

January 29th, 2010 at 08:50 · Reply

Hey Mariam…

I think I agree with Sal. Men are not easier to deal with. They cannot withstand the idea of a female doing a better job or being equally praised for her efforts and they always tend to come up with excuses for her success; if she’s beautiful and well groomed then managers like her looks, if she’s not they’ll say she doesn’t have a feminine side, and of course the famous “girls are not smarter they just study harder”… I have to admit though that younger people tend to accept women success a bit better opposed to older ones; i am 24 and work with 11 guys whose age ranges between 26 and 38… The older ones are the worst.

Taking the women side… i think we tend to hurt each other through such acts of jealousy. The problem is probably related with our upbringing and culture… I heard mom all my life saying how she’d rather die than have a female boss, almost all my female friends make sure they have male partners in school and Uni projects,and whenever there are two or more females working with men in a team they just don’t like each other. The most outrageous story i know is the following:

I have a colleague who recently got promoted and is hiring two subordinates and she’s finding all sorts of excuses for herself not to hire a female:

–> If she’s married, then she’s afraid she will get pregnant and take the 3 months leave.
–> If she’s not married and in her thirties, then she must be a psycho spinster
–> If she’s young and beautiful, then her experience is not enough and she’s over confident

Those excuses and contradicting actions just bewilder me, because if we as women don’t support each and don’t give a chance to each other then how can we expect men to do

Sorry for the long comment, just got carried away

BTW I love ur blog, been reading it for a while but i tend to be a silent follower

Madas

January 29th, 2010 at 09:23 · Reply

ahlan wa sahlan…

I actually agree with you… men in this culture are intimidated by smart women, they create trouble… etc.

However this time i tried to shed light on another angle… which is women’s roles in victimizing other women… we ALL know men’s role

I think competitive women are tougher on women than men… simply because in this culture men are socialized to think women are lesser than they are… they underestimate them… women on the other hand realize and understand women’s cores… they know what material we are made of and therefore they tend to be tougher…

I have a feeling this will change with time… people are more used to women working… they started getting used to seeing them shine… with time it will be more equal.

The Lead Zeppelin

January 29th, 2010 at 20:32 · Reply

yeah,women jealousy that tend to be on the extreme side..I never get it,you go in deep there on the analysis,I think you maybe right on about it..

if people focused more on the motivational sides of Envy,be happy for others success and seek own success..the world would be a better place..

and as I grow older “dusting il ghabara off my shoulders”..I tend to like successful women more and more,nothing hotter for me than a woman who knows what she wants in life..knows her potentials and make the best out of em!

January 30th, 2010 at 14:13 · Reply

Thanks for helping me out there, Madas, and I do remember it.

Now, after three years of working more closely with female professionals, I would say polygamy has something to do with it, but that the jealousy and competition goes much farther than marriage/fear of losing man prospects. I feel women have degraded themselves to the very worst of female character detriments in attacking one another to try an elevate themselves. Ugh.

January 30th, 2010 at 15:08 · Reply

I have to say that I agree with you Kinzi. Women have brought themselves to a place where they are nothing but laughable!

Madas Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 18:08

Agreed … I think we could teach our daughters to be strong and empower them to a point where they know that the world is at the tip of their fingers…

Sal. Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 20:28

) Good luck with that!

Madas Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 20:45

Sal…

Akh… what can I say about men abusing women? Or trying to subject them? I honestly think that I could write books about it! Let me clarify why I wrote this post.

I work in the charity field .. a world that is dominated (mostly) by women… older women usually. I stumbled upon this world and started seeing the ugly side of charity… older women who are power hungry. Women who have been blinded by money, and foreign aid, and free things that they never prepared anyone to take over after them…. khalas they felt they know everything and will be there forever…

The issue does not end there… some of the women in this field are wicked. The field revolves around backstabbing, ugly competition, mistrust… it is sad because it contradicts everything they supposedly stand for…

In my case, I always could deal with men’s jealousy… but women… I am not sure how disappoint it is to me… when I first started, I was hoping that one of these women would mentor me, but the only thing I found was things like “pay me more to take care of the grant, my price in the market is higher than this” or “ honey, you are too young, I have been working for fifteen years and you will need years to learn what I forgot” ….etc.

Point is… in Amman (other than in other places) competition has reached an ugly place… between women… it is sad and disappointing.

Sal. Reply:
January 31st, 2010 at 22:43

Well…My experience with women is not all that good but not bad either! But again we are different people and our perception of reality is completely different! So the reality is that we might have been through the same problems but with different focus! My experience with male colleagues has affected me badly, left me feeling that you can never trust a man! No matter how old or young he is. Men are all the same…They look down on women and those who they can not look down on and objectify they reject and abuse in ways that we can never imagine as women, being the decent beings that we are. ..

But I still have this issue with the slang Arabic is this a new trend?Seriously, I mean no disrespect, I am noticing that some of our new blogs use spoken for some reason, why is that?

Note: You should write about men’s mistreatment of women, lets start a civil war, I have a couple in mind that I would like to really hurt! Just kidding …? Oh well … you know what i mean!
Thanx