Unlived adolescence in Jordan
As I was driving home yesterday late at night, I noticed a car parked on the side of our road. A man and a woman in their late twenties or early thirties were sitting there making out comfortably. A sudden pang seized my heart; there was something innocent in the way they looked. Even though the scene I am setting here is the classical epitome of un-innocence. I mean a man and a woman, alone in a car, in the middle of the night, in a side street… hmm….
At this point my post starts suffering an identity crisis. The post is about two completely different ideas, but they are intertwined in a way that makes it complicated for my, already, complicated brain to choose which idea to go with. The first one is about unlived adolescence in Jordan, and the other one is about the dating scene in Amman.
What I would do is explore one idea today and defer the other one to the next post. Hopefully they will converge eventually in something that makes sense.
Women’s Juvenile expressions
A few years ago, I was working on a women empowerment project in East Amman. The project involved asking a number of adult women to write their own short bios. They loved the exercise. I mean, it is seldom that anyone gets interested in them as persons. We worked slowly on developing the information, and when they were finally done, they handed me hard copies of the bios. I found a common feature in all the documents that sort of confused me. These women used colors to draw small hearts and flowers around their documents… some of them even went as far as sticking cartoon characters and I love you stickers on their bios!
The pattern used was familiar to me… it was that of 11 year old girls!
These were the expressions of adult women, who had never had the chance to express themselves when they were 11. At that age, they were expected to be women and house wives. These women lost their freedom to go out and make friends and be juvenile when they hit puberty. At that age, they started learning how to cook and clean and take care of younger children… they were no longer children… and were expected to let go of their childhood earlier that they needed to.
What happened to them? Well, their unfulfilled desires stayed with them through their adulthood… leaving them emotionally immature and unfulfilled, which means unable to fulfill their husbands’ unfulfilled emotional desires.
I soon realized that this was a lifestyle and not random expressions… the way they carried out their lives had something childish about it… they behaved childishly, the language they used, and their decisions were based on childish basis as well.
Men’s juvenile expressions
I imagined that men are better off… but actually I realized that it is not at all the case…look around, a lot of men end up spending their Thursday nights driving around Duwwar Abdoun.. Men in their teens, twenties driving around, chatting up girls and acting idiotically! Older men would probably be found in night clubs doing exactly the same… <madas’ comment> I am not saying everyone is like that… but a good number is </madas’ comment>
For many complicated reasons, these men were not allowed to explore with their sexuality at their adolescence years… and they ended up exploring that when they are older… only at this age it is no longer innocent.
My whole point here is that these two people in the car… would not sit in a car in the middle of the night, if they had the chance to do that when they were in their teens or early twenties… khalas they would have already got it out of their systems by this age…
However I don’t think that this is the only reason why men and women in Amman end up making out in cars. … I think there are other reasons including not having places to do that in…
Which takes me to my next question… what are the features of the dating scene in Amman?
There is nothing innocent of a man n a woman making out in a car..inno they didn’t get that out of their system when they were younger?? well lady I got news for u…ur naive! ppl make out at all ages! and the sexual drive System doesn’t shut down when you are hitting early 30s nor ages above! at least I hope it doesn’t…
I’m not sure what to say about the women with stars and stickers,but I see it as a more of lack of professional conduct than unresolved girly feelings of childhood..I don’t see it relating to their relationship life other than being..hobol..stupid that is and easy to seduce ou to yenda7ak 3alaihom..but I feel these particular women need more in depth analysis of their situation,because of their environment and how the society treats them growing up..and you’re the woman for that job madas!
When it comes to dating,there are certain rules, society standards that we all grow up in..you can not bypass these and just say,well let all teens experiment and get things out of their system, we wouldn’t be in Jordan if that happened..
The acts of laflafeh bil car,to going out 3a ma7alat and clubs to some ppl making out in a car or room, are all ways to Adapt to those society rules we live in..men and women contribute equally and directly in those acts seeking each others’s attention…and yes you are correct on location of making out,unless they want to make out in one of their parent’s home “bil saloon!” ..or at a hotel,which is usually a big No No and gives a woman a mental state of being a slut..then the car it is..in some remote location,where they are highly risking their security..it is not a game if they get jumped on by some ruthless ppl or even the cops!..from my perspective I say,what happened to just holding hands and driving around,being happy with what u got? yeah I may be naive myself here saying this but at least that way no safety nor dignity would be jeopardized.
Finally..I’m not sure what you mean by features of dating scene question..but if I can contribute to that post,count me in..you can test it on me over coffee
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Thank you for your comment…it is always nice to hear from you…
Why not write it as a co-author with me? write about how dating happenes in Amman…you already did half of the work… will get a few people to write as well about it
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Your posting on what you witnessed during one of your “women empowerment” classes or whatever I think has less do with unfulfilled childish desires and probably more to do with their educational level. Or perhaps the enjoyment of those thing we consider to be immature or just for kids could be a cultural issue, much like how in Chinese culture there is a “celebration” on what we consider to be childish traits -they just revel in it…from adult women dressing in ponytails and girlish frock, the display of stuffed animals in their houses and cars, the pouting and mini-temper tantrums they have with their friends- I mean in the west we would think is strange, but a lot of people from that part of the world get it and consider it a fashion and these are women from educated families so this is truly a fashion for them.
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Madas Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 07:52
Possibly
Although, it really is not fashinable at all here in Jordan after the age of 11. Actually these days after the age of 8 or 9. Little girls are so eager to grow up here, that they throw away anything that has to do with childhood. The thing is I noticed girls (from certain backgrounds) here act younger than they really are. A girl in her early 20’s would act like a girl in her teens… I think it is because they are over protected and under exposed, the education system does not help…
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What a great post! I think that that touches on a fundamental problem in our society.
I agree with you, self-expression – which takes many forms, such as fashion, music, lifestyle, sexuality, social freedom – is vital for our development and progression as human beings.
Sadly, I wish this phenomenon was restricted to 30-something Jordanians making out in cars. It extends to the way we conduct ourselves in society, the way we talk, the political and economic discourse. If you take a look at Jordan, and the Arab world in general, we generally lack a level of maturity that is necessary to development.
A lot of us have been sheltered, or shushed throughout our children and adolescence, and therefore, this results in a failure to reach the intellectual, mental, economical, social and emotional maturity that is essential to thrive in society.
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Madas Reply:
December 5th, 2009 at 22:06
you could not have put it any better! seriously… I agree with everything you said here. We do lack maturity… I see that is every thing we do…
Welcome to my blog by the way
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