How to say NO!
This post was suggested by Rana…
I quite often find myself being swayed into situations where I did not want to be in the first place, simply because I did not know how to say ‘NO’. As a matter of fact, I am so bad at saying no, that I looked into my dictionary recently only to realize that the word has disappeared! I erased it, not realizing the dramatic effects, evading this word have on my life.
Let me give an example here. I have been part of a project since last May. The project will end in October in–sha-Allah. And when it does, I will drive to the airport road, stop at the nearest jar market, buy the biggest jar and break it then and there! (In my home, we use this as an expression when unwanted guests leave…This project started feeling like an unwanted guest!)
The reason behind my frustration is that I was supposed to work for 30 days, but I have already worked 90… but…why? … every time, they call me and ask me, nicely to do something, I find myself avoiding the scary ‘NO’. I have been doing tasks that have nothing to do with me or my experience, tasks that I don’t even have time for…. tasks that no one wants to do, so they throw them on the silly girl who says yes every time!
People, avoid saying ‘NO’ because they do not like the idea of confrontation, or maybe they just want to avoid the anxiety that is involved in refusing a request. In this particular case, I don’t say NO because I want to leave a good impression, sine these are the organizations i would work with as a freelancer…. But i think that i learnt my lesson… next time i will negotiate beforehand.
Yet, I wonder if things are more complicated than this…I wonder if there is more to it than the reasons I mentioned here…
Could it be that we are not built culturally to say “NO” … I am talking about hundreds of years of inherited traditions as Bedouins and travellers… Let me explain a bit… as we know, respect for the hardships of the desert has filled Bedouin culture with a celebrated sense of hospitality… This generosity survived during our cultural evolution and with time it became so embedded in our collective memory that we forgot about our need and our right to say ‘NO’?
That was a farfetched thought? ok… Let me come up with another possible reason..I grew up in what I call a culture of consensus; the impenetrable shield of good manners and conventions. I was trained from girlhood to serve and please and abide by prevailing social norms. The word ‘NO’ simply did not fit in that picture of loveliness and peace. I say ‘YES’ to others because I want to please them, and ‘YES’ always marks the beginning of my problems; why? Well there is a trap that I manage to overlook every time I agree to a request. Eventually I won’t be able to deliver, I will let people down and I will end up losing my credibility… and of course no one will be happy.
The one million dinars question is how can I say ‘NO’ without looking like a wretched human being?
What do they say?
Laila says that the answer itself does not matter… it is the attitude.
“Never commit, always say you will check your calendar… and that you will get back to them later…”
Dina on the other hand suggested something along these lines..
“Attach to it a difficult circumstance r condition” she said… “like ohhh… sure… but… if it would only take a couple of hours”
Omar advises
Don’t do it, but provide alternatives. (“I can’t do that task today, but how about next Friday,” hopefully it would be too late!
Good ideas… will start using them… and hopefully with time i would learn how to insert back NO into the dictionary.
A wise Dutch man once gave me this advice: if you have to say ‘no’ do it with a ‘yes’-'no’-'yes’ answer!
Example: “I would love to work for you and I think your project is just lovely (!), but at the moment I’m busy with another project that I’ve already committed to earlier. But I’ll talk to some people and see if they have any free (wo)man power to support you.”
It takes a little practice, but once you’ve mastered it, it is sooooo liberating!
Later!
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Madas Reply:
September 14th, 2009 at 22:31
Wow… that is indeed wise… I will definitely use it… please give the Dutch man my best regards and compliments on his wisdom
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It is a hard lesson. People who push have radar for people who can’t say no.
Like Linda, I used to practice saying “No” . Nicely, in front of a mirror, then affirm their project, and let silence fall. If they ask again, blame-shift or wheedle, I smile and say no again.
That said, I find my ego gets in the way and that trips me up more than pushy people.
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Madas Reply:
September 14th, 2009 at 22:33
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I might be able to offer a different perspective with regards to the hospitality issue that you mentioned. It can be argued that this sense of the need to be hospitable grew out of our so entrenshed focus on self interest. In a way you offer people help because you feel that you might need help one day. This creates a kind of commitment in the present in case that you need it “paid” back in the future…Same thing goes with scoial security, public health insurance, and any other form of colloective “altruistic” behavior..This is just a theory..So it might be that you feel the pressure of not saying no, in order to avoid being said no to..Am I making sense? I sure hope so!
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Madas Reply:
September 14th, 2009 at 22:38
You are making perfect sense…. just to confirm your thoughts… we don’t say no because we don’t want to be told no! … For some reason being told no does not baud well with us in this culture…we get defensive about it… it does not agree with our egos… interesting, sah?
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I have a hard time with money. I am getting better at requesting money owed me, I often let things pass if I genuinely mind, but people forget to pay you back, which is fine, so often I wait a reasonable time before I hesitantly ask, I make it seem that I forgot to let them know how much whatever it was was. I still feel like a nawariya doing it, but if I dont I will end up resenting people, and that is worse.
I had a recent experience where someone blatantly refused to pay their share, they said that it was my idea to do whatever, I was gobsmacked, I had invited the person to join us… and then when I light heartedly mentioned splitting the (not insignificant) bill they refused and blamed me. I made some jokes, but realised that to push it would put me in a position where I am practically begging! So I ended up paying. I am still kicking myself, but till now I have no idea how to handle a situation like that
Once Madas you have managed to ‘teejee 3ala waja3′, I started writing a post about I hated being ‘nice’ and felt sometimes that I was taken advantage of
I like your cultural explanation though, I felt this was especially significant when it comes to helping people and money issues. We are programmed to be karims, and to feel for the suffering of the others.. this is not something that I want to give up or change. I am trying to strike a balance between wanting to be a decent person, a karim, and not giving too much.
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There is no way you can evade a crucial negotiation or confrontation; this is part of our daily life, both personal and professional.
You have to face these, and you have to do it with a firm hand.
Just don’t give a shy “NO”, don’t let your body language expose what you feel inside; you have to find that thin line that segregate emotions and logic, and boost it.
The actual “real” challenge in life is getting to “YES”… Saying “NO” challenge is all about feeling awkward, which, in my own point of view, is a form of weakness.
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Well I don’t have a problem in saying no but I find it easier to be said over the phone. One tip is closing ur eyes when you want to reject an offer over the phone.
trust me
I always thought that you’re confrontational, ghareeb.
But anyway the first few times its difficult then its a piece of cake
The more firm is the no the better because otherwise it seems like ur apologizing for ur no!u want it to be a friendly yet firm no.
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