The Mu2akhar a right or a way of subjugation?
T. was explaining to me how he is worried that his girlfriend’s parents might not like him… and refuse him as a suitor for their daughter. I asked him not to worry, because they will never embarrass him or his parents. He explained that when parents don’t like the groom, they ask him for a lot of money for the mu2akhar (Money that is paid to the wife in the event of a divorce.)
This conversation lingered in a hidden corner of my subconscious. It resurfaced again as I saw a glimpse of Catherine Zeta Jones (on TV of course), who is famous for her prenup agreement among other things. Her prenup with “Wall Street” star Michael Douglas entitles her to $2.8 million per each year of marriage.
For some reason, my friend’s perception bothered me, since it is a barometer to what the society thinks…. In my family the mu2akhar is around 5 thousand Dinars. This is the standard number among many Palestinian families… now I will get back to this number in a moment, but now I will introduce a new thread.
Usually, both husbands and wives work , in many cases women give up their careers to take care of children… when they buy property, it is almost always registered in the man’s name, even though they both have contributed to the marital life… even if the wife did not contribute financially. In case of a divorce, the man’s only financial obligation to his wife is the 5000 dinars mentioned above! Or there is an even better deal for men.
khlo3 divorce!
In that case, she gives up even these 5000 dinars! And the man walks away with everything… regardless of the number of years they lived together, or whose fault it is that things go to that point….
I look at Catherine Zeta Jones and almost feel jealous, not because she gets that much money, I mean Michael can afford it, but because she lives in a system that respects a woman’s rights to protect her own interests in case of a divorce… and in Jordan, if the laws don’t subjugate women, then society will most definitely take care of it.
Brilliant, sah?
On a different note, I just finished the historian… I think it cured me from my love for vampires for a while! It was one of those long books that get you lost in details, which makes them difficult to follow at some points. In that sense it kind of reminded me of Orhan’s Pamuk ‘s the Black book… it was a good book, that lost me several times. I finished the historian because it was a good read, in the sense that author Elizabeth Kostova did a fabulous job in giving it roots in medieval history… she kept referring to historic events during the Ottoman Empire time… and managed to build her story based entirely on historic facts, which made me wonder , only for a split of a second, if vampires really exist!
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Your take on the whole idea of Mo2akhar is interesting. I personally find it demeaning, and would not have compared it to the West, and Hollywood stars especially. But the problem remains that a lot of people are not very honest or kind, and our judicial system isn’t impartial, so I believe that the Mo2akhar is fantastically fair when it comes to certain segments of society, who are not used to the whole idea of getting their fair share of life.
As for The Historian, I hated that book! Are you up to reading good e-books? A reader sent me World of Warcraft, and I think you might enjoy them
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Madas Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 12:16
Roba,
While it is fair for a segment of society. This segment of society should not shy away from asking for enough money to help them start an income generating project if the husband can afford to…. Roba, you have no idea how many women i run into, from this specific segment of society, who go into a marriage and then get out of it with nothing, while the husband gets aways with everything… I understand if he has nothing, but if he does…then ya 3ami share.
My problem is that society has objections when women look after their interests, if she can afford not to have amu2akhar,.. it is wonderful… good for her… no need for it…
Ahh the historian… i am done with it… it is a burnt bridge as far as i am concerned…
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It’s the only way she can protect herself!
Marriages aren’t what they used to be and divorce is an epidemic!
With the rate of divorce as high as it is, and the men being silly (70 something men divorcing their wives to whom they been married 30+ years, to marry 24 year olds) Nothing is 3eib anymore. And if anyone tells the girls so they should be shot, because the men ARE misbehaving, and the woman has no safegaurds to protect if her marriage contract doesn’t have these stipulations. So take the power away from those men and let them see that the girls are not toys for their amusement.
If the men won’t behave themselves and there are plenty of examples out there! A woman has to protect her interests and gaurd herself for the future.
She shouldn’t let anyone dissuade her from a high mo2akhar, because it’ll make the men think twice before they try and cheat or do anything silly!
And there is nothing demeaning about the marriage contract, it is exactly that a contract in which the woman can finally have her say. ANd there is no 3eib in it to demand what she believes she needs.
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that’s the usual view people have here!
I faced a similar situation few weeks ago when I got engaged. My father in-law was a very wise man, and realizing my financial situation; he requested nothing to be paid for his daughter’s hand but a golden Dinar, without any mentioning of the amount of gold or money that should be paid, he said that it depends on my abilities and that this is not an issue of concern cause he was happy to have me as his son in law. However, he specified one issue, he asked that “mu2akhar’ should be 20 thousand JD’s. I was very happy with what he said, I mean I never thought of getting divorced with my fiance, and I don’t think this should even come to my mind. and I was quite happy that I wasn’t facing any other financial obligations. But then, when I told my friends and relatives about it, they were all shocked and started blaming me for accepting such thing. they were all unhappy with the sum of money I was obliged to pay. I was so sad that people will take these issues seriously when thinking of getting married, I mean of I was thinking of the issue of divorce I wouldn’t have even thought of getting married to my fiance.
The bottom line, people here are quite pessimistic about everything, and it shows in your previous guy who was quite afraid of the issue, tell him to take it easy and wait for destiny. if she’s destined to be his, she’ll be for no one else
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Madas Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:59
Thank you for sharing your experience. I liked what you said about your father in law being a wise man. You are right, people in Jordan have become so pessimistic about marriage… but what is even worse is that they have become experts in oppressing women.
When I think about this, your fiancée and her family are an example of decency! They accepted you as you are, they understood your situation and urged their daughter to marry you and help you to build your marital live and your family together…
On the other hand, the father wanted to have a safety net for his daughter, in case God forbid things don’t go as planned… then with the money she can start a small project, do something so she does not find herself in the street (which is of course an unlikely scenario) but in the worst case she can live independently and with dignity…. This is what I would call zinet il 3a2l!
Seriously ….God bless you both and inshalla you will always be happy together and have a beautiful family.
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Who said that Katharine Zeta Jones got a good deal? When compared to the wives of “stars” it will take her 50 years of marriage to get what some got for couple of years of marriage (150 million dollars here, 100million there, 70 million elsewhere)
But for the Mo2akhar part, here’s what happened to me personally where I think it was unfair for the men of the society and the judicial system actually forced me to pay up even though the marriage didn’t even happen
I got engaged, and agreed to the obscene and demeaning terms including the stupid mo2akhar and moqadam. Turns out, if you pull out of an engagement, you’re STILL RESPONSIBLE to pay half the Maher. (Both mo2akhar and moqaddam) So even though someone might have a single Dinar for their Moqadam. Them minute things crumble, that “theoretical” number that is “never going to be used” turns out to be real and half of it must be paid. Even if the marriage didn’t happen. And even if the marriage happened for One day (in that case, it’s due and in full)
The system is not perfect, and everyone feels the injustice is greater on him/her than others. When you consider that the majority of men can’t afford these measly 5000D even after many years of marriage. You’ll know that these are there regardless of the conditions. So for someone who turns out to be a billionaire few years after the marriage, the woman gets a poor deal. Although, these are what, 1% of the population?
So emotions and social preconceptions aside, more than 50% of the women (conservatively speaking) get more than their fair share of the marriage with the mo2akhar. While the rest are have a deal that ranges between fair all the way to the wife of the billionaire who got 1/1000 what she could have had.
Every side feels they’ve got the worse deal, I’m not arguing that many women might have been unjustly treated, what I’m saying is that all things considered, it’s not that much better to be a man. Especially when ALL the initial upfront investment is expected to be the sole responsibility of men. Amortize that over the period of marriage with an economist and you’ll know that men put in way more than a career given up.
What I’m trying to say, is that the equation is far more complicated than “men got this”, “Women got that” and our social and emotional preconceptions that are unfair only because the world is unfair place! However, they’re equally unfair to both.
To add more complication to the whole thing, we have absolutely no provisions to the cases where the wife has more than the man. That’s her own share. The man doesn’t get a penny. I bet most men feel jealous of Madonna’s ex-husband for that. But perhaps that’s because he lives in a society that respects men’s rights. I know that’s the wrong thing to say, because respecting one side’s right doesn’t come at the expense of the other. What we need is fair and equal treatment to both sides.
Sorry for the long comment, but it’s really a complicated matter and I assure you everyone has their own perspective on it. On a side related note, there’s no mo2akhar in the universe that is deserving of a good wife, it doesn’t matter how many zeros you add to it a good wife is worth way more.
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Madas Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 12:24
Actually i agree with most of what you said… it is a case where there is no one formula that fits everything… to be honest… if this happend to me as a woman, i would not take my ex fiance’s money… it is just seems cheap…. but different women are different.
I know a woman who got engaged to the same guy 3 times times and took the mu2akhar and the shabkeh every time… when they finally got married, she ran away with her boyfriend during the honey moon! so… yeah different people are different
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You should read Orhan Pamuk’s “my name is red” it’s exhausting with details and difficult terminology.
on another note, while reading your
“in many cases women give up their careers to take care of children… when they buy property, it is almost always registered in the man’s name, even though they both have contributed to the marital life… even if the wife did not contribute financially…..”
the concept of “opportunity cost” crossed my mind
if a woman would not give up her career to stay home calculate how much she would’ve made in money for those years spent at home + the non monetary elements of career development, training, self satisfaction and actualization then the total would be much more than JD5000 (exclusive of interest value):)the market value of that woman would rise (given that all other factors are invariable).
Also the ‘future value’ of a mu2akhar is liable to change so JD5000 will be too little in 50 years (deeri balek o fat7i 3inaiki mnee7 when it comes to u
)
Of course life is not about ‘opportunity cost’ nor ‘future value’ but it’s an interesting way of looking at it:)
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Madas Reply:
August 27th, 2009 at 12:42
lol!
Wow lara that was indeed a smart comment! i agree with you…. there is a opportunity cost… but isn’t it sad that we think of marriage as a business deal? i mean as Qwider says… why go into a marriage and already think of divorce… maybe this money will never be used? well i hope so for everyone…Everyone will live happy in a rosy pinky life
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Walid,
there is one problem… These same men are the ones who use their power not to divorce thier wives and marry other women until their wives give up their high mu2akhar… so these women will have several problems…misbevaing hubands and co-wives…
Ya habiby! what a mseebeh!
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loolt Reply:
August 29th, 2009 at 00:57
those men are pigs. annoying that their ‘right’ to a second wife under law is not countered by regulations of this right as it is supposed to be, thus rendering their right obsolete. I was also thinking of the speciality of kholo3, it is essentially the female equivelant of a no fault divorce, i.e. she divorces her husband because she no longer loves him or is attracted to him, but unlike men, women also have the option of a ‘fault’ divorce, where she applies for a divorce because her husband is misbehaving and denying her her wifely rights. In the latter case, does she still lose the mo2a5ar I wonder?
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Just as a thought, isn’t the man obliged to pay his divorced wife alimony? There is an arabic term for this which I cant remember, and it is not as much as the western alimony, nor is it until she remarries, it is for a short period of time, namely until she gets back on her feet. I think that she gets it even if she divorces him (kholo3).
Also, in the case that Qwaider mentioned, when the engagement is broken off and the man is obliged to pay 1/2 the dowry and post-dowry, I’m sure this is in the case of katib kitaab i.e. an unconsummated marriage. This really should be a lesson in not rushing to sign the marriage contract, and not to treat it trivially.
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Divorce is not always good. You should frequently work out first the problems in your marriage before settling into divorce. In asian countries, divorce is almost completely unheard of for the reason that they have lots of patience on their marriage. “;:”
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Madas Reply:
July 17th, 2012 at 13:24
Agreed, Divorce should not be a way of sorting out problems, but sometimes it happens that people can’t get along. I wonder why be stuck in some unfulfilled relationship, if there is out someone out there for you who can complete you? I am not sure it is patience that keeps people together. It is respect and partnership, love, patience, compromise… I don’t think anyone would get divorced if they are happily married. Many women don’t get divorced not because they are patient, but because they don’t have a choice because of traditions, society and economical situation and many many other reasons…
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Divorce can be a tumultuous time and if not managed properly, can be one of the most financially devastating life events. The process can be emotional and intense and the financial decisions you make during this time might be some of the most important economic decisions of your life. It is imperative to understand your complete financial situation. Knowledge and preparation will be crucial to your creating a sound financial agreement.
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