What happened to chivalry?

I was walking with my sister in Souq Jara this last Friday, right at the door we saw a woman pushing a baby stroller trying to get on the pavement, but could not. Two foreign fellows jumped to help her. She smiled, thanked them and went on with her baby. My sister was extremely impressed, and when I asked her, she explained that Arab guys would be reluctant to help, as these foreign men did. I was very surprised; I am so used to hanging out with gallant men, that I did not even notice it.

However, it seems like I hang out with guys who belong to a dying breed. They open doors for women, they give up their seats when a woman comes in any setup and in buses (not that we use buses in Jordan to my chagrin), and they would not mind fighting someone if they offended one of us.

My sister and I went through our men folk and put them in two categories, those who would help and those who don’t. One thing came out clearly; most of the men who would help have lived abroad at some point of their lives…

Now, since I am not hasty at forming judgments, especially when it comes to a delicate matter, such as Jordanian men’s honour, I decided to investigate the observation further, and therefore decided to go to the lion’s den and get the information directly there… this means, I asked a few men about their opinions on the matter.

The men I asked all admitted to their lack of chivalry, they defend their position as a natural consequence of women reactions….

The idea of male chivalry, as Moe explained, makes many women nervous, when we try to carry a heavy bag, they look at us and say coldly “ I can carry it myself” and therefore, we let them carry their heavy bags on their own. Moe explained that when he does an act of chivalry, he is aware that the woman he is helping is not weak, and that she is as capable as he is… for him it is a simple show of respect… the problem is that women get very offended by his show of respect, that he feels they don’t deserve it.

N-man on the other hand told me about an incident when he was walking ahead of two young women, he kept the door open for them to walk in. When they finally arrived, they did not even give him a second glance. They walked on so rudely as if he was the door man, whose job was to keep the door open for them. N-man explained that it was not only humiliating, it actually irritated him…

it takes a certain level of spitefulness for human beings not to look at someone who is being kind to them…

N-man is just another man who believes Jordanian women do not deserve gallantry!

Sam provided a third perspective… he saw a woman carrying a baby and couple of bags, when he offered to help, she thought he was flirting with her, and started shouting at him in the middle of the road… he laughed as he explained that he almost started cursing her, but instead cursed himself for helping the likes of her… he walked fuming and promised himself never to help another woman… he joked..

I really don’t need to get into some honour related case… leave me alone!

When asked, why do men in the west help women, Omar explained they don’t always do, some men feel that if women really want to be treated equally, they need to stop expecting men to treat them specially.

N-man on the other hand pointed out that gallantry is something they learn at schools or observe other men do… so in reality, it is expected from him to keep the door open for a woman, but in return she is expected to acknowledge his gentle mannish act. He says that he reverts back to his chivalrous nature the moment he leaves Jordan…

After talking to several people, I was really beginning to feel sorry for men. Some of them seemed to be the victims of the tyranny of bitchy Jordanian women, who are not capable of acknowledging an act of kindness, or a show of respect, even when it is staring at the them in the eye.

Most of the guys I spoke to this week agreed that to some extent chivalry is dead.

That is a disheartening fact for us ladies because believe it or not, we’ve killed it.

I just discovered the funniest comedy ever, it is called arrested development! it is truly hilarious!

Shaden

August 3rd, 2009 at 13:52 · Reply

You should’ve asked women about this too. Why do some women decline a man’s offer to help?

Personally, I really don’t like getting help unless I need it. So usually, I thank the person with a smile (if possible) and tell him that it’s OK, I can carry the bags or look for something myself. Not wanting to depend on someone does not mean that deep down I feel that I don’t deserve it, it’s not like we’re walking in mud.

Other times, I refuse because I can see how allowing a guy to help me or be simply be kind to me is an opportunity for him to hit on me.

No woman would hate it if a guy gave up his right to a cab once in a while for a girl. It has become one of those day dreams…a guy who does not race me to a cab equally moving, a guy who does not insist on going first in a line because he was there before, only he was sitting on a chair instead of actually waiting in the line. In the gulf, men would usually suggest that the woman go first when it’s their turn to be served.

Real men are rare coins these days.

Reem

August 3rd, 2009 at 14:43 · Reply

I think we girls are sometimes self-contradicting sometimes, we ask to be independent but at the same time we show discontent and become nostalgic to old times when men dont act chivalry at certain situation. And we get more offended when that person who didnt offer his help is a man. To be honest, I feel bad for men sometimes for all what is expected from them as “men” towards women. why associate chivalry as a responsibility to men where it can be treated as just a human trait that emerges out of being tactful by nature and not because they are men.

Farah

August 3rd, 2009 at 17:35 · Reply

I have to say, I don’t really care much for chivalry. I appreciate the gesture, really, but I don’t need someone to open the door for me, and if I need help in something, I will ask for it. I may be mistaken, but from what I have observed, men who act chivalrous are in fact the ones who tend to be sexist. This isn’t to say I won’t appreciate a show of kindness or respect every once in a while, but I don’t want someone’s seat in the bus either.

hamede

August 3rd, 2009 at 17:55 · Reply

بحب اساعد بس يعتمد على الموقف ، لا أريد أن أوسبب إحراج لنفسي

loolt

August 4th, 2009 at 00:33 · Reply

the N-man story reminded me of a joke of sorts, it goes something like this:

A man reaches a door before a woman, opens it and holds in open for her so she can pass first. The woman looks at him scathingly and says: “I suppose you opened the door because I am a lady”. Annoyed but not to be humiliated the man smiles and replies: “No, I did it because i am a gentleman!”

Ya3ni do it because you think it is right, and personally I love it when men offer to carry heavy things, I mean they are usually physically stronger!

kinzi

August 4th, 2009 at 08:34 · Reply

Mariam, your last line is so correct, we shot ourselves in the foot with feminism gone too far.

It our desire to be considered equal, we killed off some precious gender distinctives that make us better people in the long run.

Chivalry was more about considering someone better than yourself, putting someone else’s needs before one’s own. Men are stronger, no doubt, but for them to serve us this way, whether we needed it or not, was an act of selflessness.

We are training our boys to open doors for ladies, for older men, for other children. So if you see a blonde ten year old holding a door around town, it’s my kid. Make sure you tell him ‘well-done’.

I think one aspect of chivalry I would like to see return was that MEN were willing to die for their WOMEN’s honor.

Led Zeppelin

August 4th, 2009 at 16:36 · Reply

I learned a new word today,Gallant!

Women think they know what they want, but truth is they don’t..they can tell you they like X and in reality it means they hate X and want Y badly.

About chivalry..it ain’t dead,I do it all the time and I don’t expect anything in return..and if I get a negative reaction I just smile and feel sorry for poor woman’s reaction, I must admit though..I usually do it with a hint of flirt,even with the uglier ones in the crowds..but whats wrong with giving out some free attention if it makes one person feel better about herself or gives her good vibes?

same theory applies to many blogger chicks I have approached,I would get the scratchy “Hulk” reaction yet they would mention how they were approached by The Lead Zeppelin and brag about it amongst their community,and we both know that I’m the only one who has shown interest in years,and that my interest usually doesn’t last long after I closed the browser window…yeah yeah I quit all that now,32ilet..or have I?

It’s all about being confident, doing a good deed and not expecting anything in return.

Lara

August 4th, 2009 at 21:51 · Reply

hehe i liked the post, chivalry is always appreciated. bas what’s funny inno i know who your nicknames are wainek inti ma bitruddi 3al telephone?!!! lazem titbahdali online?

fatim

August 5th, 2009 at 13:05 · Reply

Mariam , i absolutely lover your blogggg , second i love the topic you chose to write about. i keep on looking forward to your posts.

to start with , what i wrote is not to be generalized on all men.

”That is a disheartening fact for us ladies because believe it or not, we’ve killed it. ”

if i may object , women didn’t kill anything we might have contributed a little with all of the modernism going on but then overall men have lost it whether we as women are empowered or not. i find it amusing to listen to the excuses from my male friends to be honest. you might have a point when you speak about ladies misunderstanding the Gentlemen act of chivalry but then i don’t see them jumping helping the older ladies?!

i think the gents are starting to become lazzyyy not all tho to be fair , again relying on women is increasing , roles have truly switched these days . i think soon women are required to do chivalrous acts.

to tackle the embarrassment issue , i totally understand how it feels , but then i would like to say , just have the initiative to offer help in mind always regardless of what ever happened before.

”Some of them seemed to be the victims of the tyranny of bitchy Jordanian women, who are not capable of acknowledging an act of kindness, or a show of respect, even when it is staring at the them in the eye.”

i feel sry for these gents too, but again i would like to mention something that has been taught to all generations , when some one does anything out of his own kindness or his own sense of chivalry he/she SHOULD NOT WAIT FOR A THANK U!! the point is you did something good whether it was acknowledged of not. it feels like the whole point of opening a door or helping out is to get a thank you, they might as well ask some one to say it to them and rest their minds.

i believe men have been victims of their own act, i think some would agree that that their sense of chivalry comes up when ever a pretty lady walks by. and then they wonder why women are acting wired when they receive help , men helped in promoting this concept.

This topic has been on my mind for quit some time and am glad you toke the intiative to speak about it, it is an epidemic between men these days!!