Should wives share their salaries?
Was in Egypt
Cairo ‘s vivaciousness never ceases to surprise me.
I was attending a conference about a potential research on Arab identity. I won’t get into the details of the conference itself; however I would like to write about a question that came up there.
The question of whether women should share their salaries with their households.
A scenario
Let me build a scene to shed some light on how this could look from an Arab woman’s perspective…
A new bride. Everything is new, the experience of living with someone, the experience of being away from her sheltered home for the first time…. When there is still awkwardness between them, the groom suggests they open a joint account. She accepts willingly.
They open a joint bank account, and every few months, money get transferred to the husband’s account, which is the main account from which everything gets paid… the house loan, the cars, the credit cards…nothing gets discussed, because it is one of those issues that missed the opportunity of discussion,… A few months into the marriage, it is even awkward to think about it.
Things don’t go well. Legally, woman does not get anything except for mu2akhar…
That was the empty side of the glass.
What does grandmother say about this issue?
I remember on the eve of my aunts’ wedding. I walked upon a closed conference she was having with her mother… I didn’t hear much, because I was shooed out of the room as soon as I was noticed, but I heard my grandmother say… “His salary is yours and your salary is yours! Don’t be a dumb ass and give him your money… you hide your money, use it only when it is absolutely necessary.” My aunt saved her money for a few years; she eventually used it to help buy a house for her family…
Ironically the house is owned by the husband… when they went to register the house, it was not appropriate for her to go, so he took care of business.
Yet another perspective
A few years ago I was in the States; I met two friends who were getting married. I remember the conversation we had, because I blogged about it then. But in a nutshell, before they got married they were required to attend a few sessions with the church… and they realized that they had not discussed the financial bit… they also realized that they did not see eye to eye on this issue… They did get married eventually, but not before they put a comprehensive plan on who should pay for what. With the two incomes, they live a very chic life … and they are very aware that they can’t keep their lifestyle, if one of them stopped working, or if one of them decided not to share their income….
So should wives share their income?
Absolutely! But they should have a mechanism that guarantees everyone’s rights… since the laws in our side of the world are not doing a great job at that!
Two pictures of the Nile
no – what’s his is ours and what’s mine is mine!!
totally kidding here of course…
if a woman works to benefit her family – which i assume she is – then that is a no brainer and both incomes should be pooled for whatever the family needs…
ideally, saving one salary and spending one would be the best case scenario.. like your aunt, that would make is easier to invest and for big purchases..
but the most important thing, is for a couple to discuss things in depth BEFORE GETTING MARRIED..
anyway – keep up your blog, i read it all the time..
take care
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Hi Dalia,
it is always nice to hear from an old friend
hope you and your family are well. I agree… i think people should discuss things in depth… if they are on the same page, everything is easy.
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I’m glad your friends figured out the details and ended up getting married.
The Hub and I pool everything, and decide how it is spent together. BUT, we are Western and have those laws to keep it fair.
I have single girlfriends here whose father take their income and spend it. Not fair at all.
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Madas Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 06:00
I agree… i do think that laws keep things fair for everyone….which is not the case here….
There is another perspective here… women thought that by work they will gain their freedom, but it seems like work has just added another layer of abuse for some of them! i mean now they need to work in and out of the house and not have their financial independence, because the father or the husband takes the money! so really all this category of women got was more work!!!!
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However, like it or lump it, should the couple wish to have children, it is the woman who gets pregnant. I am told that pregnancy + child birth creates a special bong with the child, and chances are the mum is one who will sepnd time with the kid, more than the father. Burdening her with finncial responsibilities can leave her with feelings of gult if she takes time out to look after the baby, which will naturally result in a lower income. This will also lead to financial struggles, of having to adapt to a new baby and new financial problems. Hence sharing the salary, or using the woman’s salary for necessities, results in unnecessary pressures on the family unit. So I personally dont think it is a good idea.
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Madas Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 06:09
hmmm….
Today, when life is complex, things are expensive and women marry their matches…well… for me personally I don’t think it would be fair for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to work and take care of everything, while I make as much as he does and maybe more in some cases just because I don’t want to be burdened when I have children! It just does not seem fair …. I mean, why do I want to see someone that I love kill himself to give me a respectable life and I am hiding away my money?!!
Another side of the story… I was working with women in small village in the northern of Jordan… the case is that women work until they get married, they stop, because the husband is supposed to provide everything… after the first or the second baby come, they realize what he makes is barely enough for their pampers! and therefore, they REALIZE how important for them to go to work and support their families… these women are more empowered and more equal with their husbands than those who just wait to be helped at home….
So I guess there is no one rule.
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“women have found themselves working in and out of the house” Their responsibilities have increased. Now, I am not saying women should not work, but working because you want is different than working because you have to. They still retain their home responsibilities, and yeah, they are still the primary care givers for very small children, and they still are the ones to get pregnant. Men have yet to catch up, and naturally will never get pregnant… but still, in terms of homemaking and child nurturing, it seems to be still a womans domain.
How can a man who loves you allow you to do all this work AND be happy to use your money as well? Shouldnt he be looking after you? Sharing responsibilities? To use the wifes salary for ongoing financial obligations (food, rent/mortage, school fees, clothes etc) is a slippery slope (for the reasons I mentioned in my previous post), if she wants to use it for one off purchases, that makes more sense in the framework of maintaining a happy family.
It bothered me that you vilified the viewpoint that women who do not share their wages are being selfish or ‘unfair’. It is their choice, their right, and hey respect to the husband who doesnt shirk his duties!
The women of northern jordan that you mentioned did not become ‘more equal’ because of work. They were already equal, they did not need to earn that status. Respect to them for stepping up when needed, and going that extra mile because the family actually needed it (as opposed to actually desiring it).
Apologies is this post comes across as being a bit aggressive, its just that I see women feel guilty that they are now working in fields where they want to work, and trying to ‘make up for it’ by quadrupling their responsibilities in the family. On the other hand, I wonder where men factor in in all this.. it doesnt seem that the increase in women working for the family has been met with an increase of men cleaning, cooking and nurturing for the family… so I dont see how obliging a wife to fund the family is fair.
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Madas Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 21:31
Loolt,
I think we are over simplifying the topic…
Let me share yet another social perspective… a guy friend of mine, who has been married to someone that he no longer likes very much… this guy complains that the wife does nothing… the house and kids are taken care by the maids… she does not work… she really does nothing… she keeps complaining that she is bored (Actually I have seen several examples like this, when I visited Saudi)… the thing is in his particular case he is more involved with the kids than she is…
The point is if these women, who really don’t do anything except giving birth (and trust me I am not undermining birth in anyway), work and don’t share their money, there is something wrong…
I think I am one of those who believe in sharing responsibilities in and out of the house and I also believe in sharing power….
No worried about being aggressive
it is nice to have an intellectual cyber debate
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I just see women over-compromising, women who cook, clean, finance the entire family, yet are still pushed around by their husbands (actual true stories that I know of personally). Or the woman, who after having 5 children with her husband, was divorced by him because, get this, she wanted to quit her job!
I was reading the book ‘affluenza’, which deals with the effect of excessive consumerism on the well being of people in english speaking countries. And the author met women who after having a baby, were forced by guilt to return to work within a few months of giving birth. Because the family unit had come to rely on her salary for their day to day life. The husband earned well, but his salary alone could not sustain their ‘lifestyle’, which I want to point out is different to a ‘life’ . They didnt particularly want to, and women seem to find themselves in these situations… where their priorities in life change when the little one shows up, so committing financially to family is not a decision that can easily be taken by the pre-baby wife.
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Trust me i see your point… you are right, we are speaking about different women… and i am sure there are many many more types and categories of stories and situations….
I guess at the end of the day, ideally, every couple have to decide what is best for each one of them and for their family…. be it he works and she stays home, or both of them should work and share home responsibilities or any other alternative solutions….
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Fair enough, it was fun debating with you btw
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it was for me as well… thank you
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financial is very important if you want to succed in business.’*’
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