Sexual harassment among children
It took me a long time to convince Um Yazan to write about her problem. She finally did. You can read the article on 7iber.
I came across this lady in one of the lectures that have been organized through the project Citizen in my City project, in one of the local communities. I won’t mention what community, because she specifically asked me to keep all these details confidential.
I will go back to Um Yazan in a bit, but now, I will give a brief about the lecture, so that people understand the background.
The lecture was about violence in general. However, the lecturer spoke a lot about sexual harassment. She was explaining to parents why their kids would not approach them if they were facing issues of this sort in their lives.
“ if your kids tell you they did bad in an exam, and your reaction was to take the slipper and throw at it them, they would start thinking that if my mom did this with something silly, what would she do with there is something shameful involved?”
I thought she had a good point there. She encouraged women to get their children to talk to them, even if what they is childish and silly. This will increase the chances of children talking…. I am not sure how true this is… but I think children can slip when they are younger… however when they get older, it becomes more and more difficult to talk about things like that with parents…. but Ya3ni… it does not harm. On the contrary it definitely helps.
Um Yazan’s Predicament
Um Yazan happened to be in one of those lectures… she went blank in the middle of the lecture… she approached the lecturer afterwards in a panic mode… she had realized what was happening to her son yazan (an assumed name).
For the longest time, she was not sure what to do about the change in his behaviour. He stopped eating, became edgy and angry and became aggressive with his siblings… but what puzzled her most was his persistence on wearing very shabby clothes! She knew something was wrong but could never decipher the signs.
When she talked to the lecturer, she started crying helplessly… she said that she suspected something bad was happening to her son… she could not even bring herself to give it a name. ..
After that, things moved quickly, she launched an investigation at the school with the support of the right channels, and did what was needed…
It turned out that her son was being harassed by an older student … (a kid himself), whom in turn was being harassed by someone older somewhere in his own neighbourhood! The story was really shocking! Victims turn into predators… I think maybe it is a normal human outcome! And honestly, who know maybe that would have been Yazan’s future?
Yazan is being helped by a counsellor now… and the other kid too…everyone is a victim in this story… and hopefully they will start leading normal lives now.
Going public?
As I was involved in the story from the beginning, I was trying to convince um Yazan to go public with the story. Bring the issue into the spot light… but she refused stubbornly…
Honestly she had a good point.
She explained that they come from a very conservative background. If this was happening to a girl, it would be a shame and end of story. But if it is a boy… (and here is the surprise) it is double shame! He will be accused of not being a real man (which is silly, since he is only 11), he will start being bullied in the street and in the school… but worse… the family will start abusing them… I don’t even know where to start if I want to explain the complexities there… sisters in law, brother in law, cousins… competition, jealousy, favouritism, inheritance, gossip…
ya3ni… going public will only open Pandora’s box.
Heavy negotiations took place between her and her husband… she was angry and wanted to do something….the husband agreed to seek help, but refused to go public… his concern was that this will stigmatize their son. His opinion was that now that the boy is being treated, khalas they can move to a different neighbourhood, change schools, and start fresh. Basically, give the boy a chance to put this in the past and move on….
But if they went public…this will be the most important thing about their son forever…. and since their community is very small, he will never be anonymous, he will always be remembered as the boy who was harassed at school.
Yazan’s parents explained…that their duty is to help their son and not save whole world…they won’t be able to, they said realistically….
This is why I appreciate her writing the article.
I sympathize with them, and with the hundreds of families who suffer from similar issues in silence…
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The strange, weird and ugly thing that you work in a field where you are supposed to understand the consequences of going public but you tried to persuade Yazan to go public, what kind of win you were after?
Would you persuade your brother to go public in such case? Would you go public if you were sexually abused? Why would going public help your brother or you?
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well… there are two sides for every story… and the situation is much more complicated than you imagine.
imagine this.. your kid is being abused in front of everyone and you just sit in silence, unable to do anything, while people who are supposed to protect him and fail miserably go unpunished…and go on with their lives, as if nothing happened.
What is worse is that you are forced to see them and deal with them every day… How do you think Yazan’s parents feel?
To be honest, this is a hypothetical case… i don’t know what i would do. I mean now my feeling is i would go public, and make a big fuss! but i am neither a mother, nor have witnessed the suffering of my own kids…
the point was, I wanted to give the parents that option, if they wanted to, and to be honest, i respect them, and respect their decision, and feel it was definitely the right thing…
FYI, you don’t gain when you work in this field, you just minimize losses.
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Mariam, yabayay, I wish I knew about this seminar! Please tell me of any others.
Bravo 3alayki and to the Um Yazans of Jordan.
@ Abu Sasha, I went public with my sexual abuse and opened the door for me to help hundreds of Jordanian women with a similar story. I was able to model recovery, offer hope, and help them live above the imputed shame of their victimization. Small groups of ’safe’ women are now meeting in Amman to provide support and encouragement.
Yazan wins because he sees his parents stand with him against injustice. Complicit parents dis-empower children. Empowered children break the cycle of abuse.
Brothers, father, cousins and uncles who abuse need to be both outed and helped. This keeps other children safe, and for them to get the help, as they were most likely abused themselves.
The secret shame of ‘double taboo’ needs to be addressed. It is a rampant sexual problem in Jordan. Little boys are used by bigger boys until it is their turn to ‘be the man’. It seems that the problem of sexual abuse in Jordan is easily twice the rate for boys as girls.
It’s just that boys aren’t generally threatened with death if it is discovered they aren’t virgin.
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Madas Reply:
April 1st, 2009 at 07:43
Kinzi,
Thank you for your honest comment. I am very proud of you and your decision to go public… I always feel very happy when people turn bad things happening to them into catalysts for change..
I am working on a whole drive about sexual abuse and violence in schools… I would love to invite you to one of them…
I will email you, we can discuss it better
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Good job.
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Madas Reply:
April 1st, 2009 at 07:43
thank you
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As sick as this problem is that people usually keep a blind eye about it, I am glad for the courage that it is being addressed in public,for the benefit of the whole society, even without the need to declare a specific case.
It is a society sickness that needs proper handling, and I see no shame for those who are victims of such sickness, we are all merely humans who could face the same problem,and in our Jor small community..one’s such problem should be the entire community problem.
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Madas Reply:
April 5th, 2009 at 08:47
true, i think is is quite courageous from these people to talk about the issue. the problem is that even if we don’t feel it is shameful. People who are i the situation feel it is.. as they say, you can’t compare between a person whose hand is in the fire and another one who is watching!
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Two of my Iraqi friends have talked about similar abuse among boys in their schools in Baghdad. The boys and girls in Iraq attend separate schools until college. I presume the situation is similar in Jordan? Some boys are tagged as effeminate from an early age and are marked for sexual abuse by the other boys.
I hope that Yazan will be ok in the future. I have heard many stories of abused children that have great difficulty in their adult lives.
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Yeah, we have a lot of segregated schools in Jordan. what surprises me is that the highest number of sexual abuse children are young boys…
yes i know people ahve difficulties, but some of them do get better if they get the right treatement… it is so easy to demolish something, but very difficult to build it again!
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This is a problem in Jordan that no one will talk about and everyone knows is happening. I was ostracised in my community when I tried to launch a program to teach children how important it is to talk to their parents about anything and that they have the right to say NO. They said I was ruining the fitra of the children. Being abused like this by adults will ‘ruin their fitra’ more than telling them ‘You have the right to say no to someone who is hurting you or making you uncomfortable’ but the ayb of the whole issue, and me being a woman, was enough to stop this project before it ever really started.
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Madas Reply:
September 8th, 2009 at 19:53
Saltiya… i sympathize with you… and i know how difficult it is to run such a project… I support you with all my heart and hope you will figure out a way to teach these kids what they need to know… being abused does not ruin the fitra only… it ruins the soul… i have seen many cases…
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Saltiya, keep talking. If you are willing, I will go back with you to your community and bring some other Jordanians who will speak into this problem.
Ruining their fitra? Istagfir Allah.
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Its really hard to accept that somebody harassed you in some other time. It is really a big disgrace and ashamed in your family. So must love the children and don’t ever, ever abused them. They need love and comfort. They have a right to feel the beauty of life.
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Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! What a thought .. Amazing �
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