Are Jordanian men intimidated by smart, strong women?
Sunday October 5, 2008
I had a nightmare yesterday… in the dream I sat in my room, knowing that I am home alone… suddenly my door opened and a total stranger poked his head into my room… I almost gave myself a heart attack… I went through the motions and the feelings of this scenario as if it was real…. I woke up in a cold sweat….
I knew the nightmare was related to a conversation I had with the sister the previous night… it was about a guy she thought I should meet… Meeting a guy has been on the agenda of several people lately… I guess people worry that I am not getting any younger. For some odd reason I absolutely have to meet someone right now, get married on the spot and reproduce immediately (…don’t waste your time… you get married today, you have a baby nine months later… boom…boom…boom… as if this process is in the same category as buying tomatoes).
The problem here is that i don’t seek the same kind of guys i had when i was in my early twenties. At that point I was looking for someone Strong, i felt vulnerable and wanted to be protected. I wanted someone with the standard shit, money, house, car…etc. So that he can provide for me (I still did not know that I can provide for myself… ) And of course intelligence.
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A few days Later….
I see that I have a wandering keyboard this week… but to return to the original thread, I want to introduce another couple of incidents that took place this week…
“Guess what?! Hala told me first day of Eid “Fares got engaged to XXXX,” She said…Fares was her cousin’s boyfriend for a long time … we both were surprised at his choice, since both women were so extremely different… while the cousin was smart, ambitious and strong… the fiancée was quiet, unmotivated and dull….
The long conversation we had about why men tend to prefer boring women for marriage was shelved in my head till last day of Eid…. I visited some family members for Eid… They just moved back from Saudi Arabia… I said naively to the lady “you must be happy about being here, you regained your freedom now”.
“On the contrary”, she said… “In Saudi Arabia, I did not have to do anything at all…my husband had to do everything.” She said…
I was appalled! What I heard was “in Saudi Arabia, I could sit on my lazy ass the whole days, and the poor ass I married had to do all the work!”
I found her completely unimpressive… she seemed smart enough when she was first introduced to the family… (five years and three children ago) even though we were a bit uncertain. I mean the husband is quite an intelligent man… and we did not feel that she was that spectacular… what we failed to realize then, was that he made an intellectual decision to marry beneath him….
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12 November 2008
For years, there’s been a popular conception that men are intimidated by intelligent women in this part of the world… however, intelligent women have a strategy…
They play dumb!
I can’t remember the number of times my grandmother told me to tone it down when I meet someone… or ordered me not to read publicly because it is not appealing… or treated my glasses as a shameless secret… The holly fear is that women who are too strong are less likely to find a man who will love them, let alone marry them.
Honestly I look at my grandmother and she is one of the strongest women on earth. She always knew how to play it down. And well she has been married for more than 60 years now!
Are Jordanian men intimidated by smart, strong women?
Well…I was browsing when I came across an exhaustive study of people from primary school to middle age has proved that clever men are much more likely to marry than those with lesser intelligence. But for intelligent women, the reverse is true. Their chances of have that beautiful white wedding at Intercontinental Amman are considerably lower than other women who went through university because it was better than staying home!
The study says that one possible cause of this result is that many smarter women are too choosy in wanting higher status men whereas the men are not as choosy about status of females and hence can find a suitable mate from a much larger pool of women.
Another possible explanation (my lovely caveman analogy) men are more driven to seek physical beauty and youth as a result of selective pressures to seek fertile mates. Whereas natural selection favoured a female preference for higher status men as better providers…
“Men have no problem with an independent intelligent woman, but what I have found with women that call themselves that, is they are very judgmental, closed minded to certain things, and love to argue or debate as they call it”
I have been writing this post for a week now. I guess the new Jhumpa Lahiri book Unaccustomed Earth has been keeping me busy…. Not bad at all.. Lahiri knows how to show the human side of her characters…. Also this week i have realized that i am in love with Lebanese singer Marwan Khouri!
I don’t think we are but I believe that we’re intimidated by types that is new to us which make it intimidating.
Another thing, regardless of women educational level or any other experience she has got, old people always say which is truly creative saying per se.
Assuming it’s true then it’s up to man’s preferences on what to get, a wife? a friend? mother? or all of that *if actually such human is available*?
and since men in the region tends to quit all kind of serious relations until they build up a financial status so they can knock the door and get married; they’re actually making a gap between what’s available around them and what they want and they usually go for what they wanted.
and since the man is the financial power in such ruined society then I believe he has the right to choose whatever he prefer to have at home, this might sound silly conclusion but yet we live in a silly and ruined society.
Another thing, some tend to believe that compatibility isn’t the issue and finding a compatible soul doesn’t mean s/he the one but finding the least conflicting one is and unfortunately the first doesn’t lead to the second.
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Madas Reply:
October 15th, 2008 at 15:58
Jad,
Very interesting comments indeed. I tend to disagree with the saying that all women are equal regardless of their educational level… as i disagree with the idea that all men are the same… people’s educational levesl, and their exposure levels make all the difference between them.
What you say about the practice of men choosing and ruling the house just because they are the providers is sadly true! I know a few close examples of men telling their wives that as long as they are the ones who are making the money, women have to follow their rules!
That extends to choosing a wife of course… It is sad… because if marriage is only based on money then it does not have a big chance to be successful.
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Who cares what others want though? what do YOU want? So what if Fares went for quiet girl over louder girl? he clearly has an ambition in life which is to have an uber old fashioned/traditional marriage with him cast in the role of superman who protects his wards against the evils of the world while the quiet, delicate Mrs fluffs the nest and nurtures the babies? His life, his bed, and only he will lie in it.
So, you’re getting older, you count yourself as an intelligent ambitious woman who can look after herself, good for you, I would rather be like you than be a complete dependent on someone else. But because you are as you are and you are (clearly) happy with it you think that you are maybe getting fewer proposals, and the ones that come along expect major change in you… which naturally being the intelligent strong woman that you are you reject them.
I wondered why you werent meeting men with the criteria that you listed. I voted no for ‘too picky’ (your criteria are really sweet and are shared by many that i know both men and women) and no for you being a complete anomaly among friends and family. So maybe it is how you meet them and who refers them to you? Maybe you have been restricted to meeting them traditionally (and hence the traditional expectations)?
BTW: i am not directing this at the author of this post, just a general you.
ps nice post thought lots of food for thought
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Madas Reply:
October 16th, 2008 at 08:18
Hey Loolt,
Thank you for your comment, it has given me a lot of things to think about.
Of course you are right, it is not about what others want it is about what a person wants. I was just talking about the pressure people my age get… and even when it does not affect women, it is still requires a minimum amount of resisting which by default entails some wasted energy.
I guess really it does not matter what people want for marriage, i mean women criteria can be unreasonable sometimes. In the case of Fares and his fiancee…well it was about how different his criteria were in each case…. maybe it shows double standards?
Ok, now you have pointed out a very interesting issue… where do people meet? or why can’t women find similar guys? Well I have a very complex analogy, but if i would give a very simplistic answer, then it is because there are not many “right” men available in Amman.
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Well you were saying that intlleigent women love intelligent men then you said you were in love with Marwan Khoury…. so you’re already contradicting yourself
I don’t think Jordanian men like dumb women, it’s the low self-esteem men everywhere who like dumb women. They don’t want the smart woman to keep reminding them of how stupid/dumb/weak of a person they are insdie. They want the dumb women who feeds their grandoise delusions.
I can’t be with a dumb woman. I can’t even have a dumb roomate or a dumb friend.
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Madas Reply:
October 16th, 2008 at 08:23
What?!
Are you saying only dumb women fall in love with the Khouri guy?!!! come on balla ma his songs are nice
I guess maybe there is a point here… low self esteem is definitely a good reason…
Actually i am becoming less picky about dumb people (except for partnership) i guess i am indeed getting older
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You know, I’ve said this like a million times before, and I just can’t stop saying it. For me personally, there is absolutely no way I can imagine myself in this world with someone who’s not Strong and intelligent. It’s just not an option.
Smart women help their mates remain honest to their cause, and true to their selves. And even though this is a very selfish matter, smart women help a person achieve their greatest potential instead of weighing them down and pushing them back. I find that to be the greatest asset, the greatest mate on the long road of this life. It’s a serious challenge and requires the strongest and possible the most intelligent to pass it.
At the same time, I find myself agreeing with one of the comments in your article about how “Strength and intelligence” are perceived notions that are often taunted by women who are neither but in fact very annoying, demanding, stupid, selfish, judgmental, close minded and short sighted.
But I have to admit that it’s not for everyone. Not all men are open and accepting to the fact that they might be with a woman who’s smarter than them (even if it’s the truth). Some men cannot accept being out done by their wife in anything. But the good news is that there will always be all different kinds of men, because believe it or not, there are women who LIKE to be dumb and dependant. EVEN when presented with the opportunity to break from all of that, so there are men for those as well
Awesome post by the way
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Madas Reply:
October 16th, 2008 at 13:10
Hi Qwaider,
Long time… There is one comment i have here… i think that both men and women can help developing each other… and you are absolutely right, dumb women push their husbands back, just as dumb men pushe their wives back… it is a very straight forward equation.
Actually i see the following scenario often… smart women marrying dumb women, and then they get really and trully bored, and therefore, they go and sek entertainment elsewhere… and i am not talking about affaires… but a lot of married men, end up having intellectual affaires with women… where it is really not physical, but they end up talking and discussing issues, and exchanging views and opinions… this happens when people are in this category.
I hope you get the right womam that will make you happy
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Loved the post, enjoyed reading the comments .. but i always wondered why do we use the term tomato shopping “…..as if this process is in the same category as buying tomatoes” to describe marriage?
In relationships/marriage, I do believe in fate, if 2 persons are meant to be together, then they’ll be, whether we saw them fit or not!
I support this statement:”… intelligent women have a strategy…They play dumb!” YES YES, THEY DO!!
And, Marwan Khury, good choice.. he is one of the finest singers =D
Cheers!
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Madas Reply:
October 16th, 2008 at 13:11
I am not sure why we use tomatos! good question
will try to find out 
True i do believe in fate… and yes people sometimes end up together even if theya re not compatible… it is one of those things that we never know why!
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It’s me again!!
It just came to my mind that dump women might be smarter than the real smart women!!
the equation:
Being Dump ==>> the man will feel more confident + the man will enjoy showing his masculinity
which means =>> being able to win the man’s heart + being able to be Mrs some1
and that leads to =>> a better social status!
and by the end of the day, the dump woman is sleeping next to her husband, who, in the other hand loves the fact of being treated as the King of the world ( even if he was not )!!
Dump women are smart, because they know how to capture a man’s heart, how to occupy his mind, and how to rule his life ( in an indirect way ) !!
and thats why smart women play DUMP!!
Conclusion: All women are SMART, some show it, others hide it !!
and finally ( Allah yehanne el Jamee3 )
=)
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Madas Reply:
October 16th, 2008 at 13:13
I like the logical analysis
your university education is paying off 
and it is true… some smart women play dumb, but i find it manipulative… i find it dishonest… but i do understand it howver… and at the end of the day, if peopleare happy then that is what really matters
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I don’t know anything about Jordanian men, but I think that a lot of American men are intimidated by intelligent and strong women. Perhaps I am unusual, as I was always attracted to these characteristics. I like a certain level of physical attractiveness too, but that has never been my number one concern.
I would really hate a woman to play dumb with me. The smarter she seems to be, the more interested I would be.
I learned some interesting things from my friend from South Korea. In Korea, there is nothing more prised than educational achievement and the most honored profession is that of teacher. They have more Ph.D.’s there than in any other country. It is often the custom in Korea for the parents to be involved in helping to find suitable husbands or wives for their children. One of the prime considerations in finding an acceptable match is level of education. Highly educated women are prised matches for well educated men. One thing though, that is not so great for the women, is that they are expected to go far in school, but after marriage, they are expected to stay home with their children. So, in many cases, all that education might go to waste.
In Japan, education is also very highly prised for both men and women. Similar to Korea, married Japanese women are expected to stay home to raise children. However, an increasing number of well educated Japanese women are choosing to put their knowledge to work. They delay marriage, or even sometimes, decide not to marry so that they can work in a rewarding profession. Japanese men are finding it much harder to find a wife who is willing to assume the traditional role of housewife. Perhaps it will become necessary for Japanese men to evolve in their expectations if they wish to find wives and raise children.
P.S. There is actually something new at my blog!
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Madas Reply:
October 20th, 2008 at 19:53
Hey David,
If i were a man, i would hate for a woman to play dumb with me as well… but women play dumb so smartly that you would not even notice!
A lot of women stop working, after they get married. They get lost in the world motherhood and housewiving…. It does not surprise me if the same happens in Korea… Actually some men ask their wives very clearly to stop working after they get married, although it is becoming harder with the rise in prices.
P.S. nice post
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ah! i was waiting for the anthropologist to emerge towards the end!
your conclusions are somewhat true. generally, men don’t seek out strong and intelligent women simply because they like to dominate.
here’s what i find interesting though. when it comes to men, it doesn’t matter how many PhD’s a woman might have…females tend to become incredibly stupid. i’ve seen the smartest women falling for a man who is the antithesis of everything they are. the ‘bad boy’ theory. all intelligence and reasoning is thrown out and an emotional thrill-ride is pursued. and it’s interesting because frankly, these kind of guys are not all that smart…so where does a smart woman who falls for someone like that rank on the intelligence bar?
if you look at amman as a sample, where non-traditional marriages are more apparent and relationships are abundant…you see a lot of females, be they smart or dumb, hooking up with brutes..and if that brute drives a bmw and works in daddy’s company then he’s a lock for marriage. and that is the black hole into which many smart, ambitious Jordanian women fade in to.
it’s entertaining to watch.
anyways…
it seems when it comes to jordan, with the average marrying age hovering in the mid-20’s, there is a window of opportunity and it’s only applicable to females. males tend to get married at whatever age they please. it’s common to see a 38 year old marrying a 22 year old, etc. women have no such luck or opportunity available to them. hence, those who are smart and ambitious and choose to focus on their careers will find this window closing rapidly. when they do get to that point where they want to get married, age has limited their pool significantly.
it seems to be a sacrifice. it’s almost akin to working-women who choose to get pregnant. they sacrifice career for motherhood, even if temporarily. i know, biology sucks.
any who, i would argue that marrying younger, beautiful, but quiet girls is something most men envision when it comes to marriage, simply because of the prospects of domination and that image of a wife that has been socially-constructed and embedded in their brains.
frankly, i think such girls would make for boring conversation and if an intelligent man pursues that kind of wife then he’ll end up having a relationship with CNN when it comes to the need for mental stimulation.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for intelligent men…this should account!…
By Daily Mail Reporter Last updated at 10:59 AM on 10th October 2008 It's often been said that men…
I wrote down a comment here the other day,press submit,then a blank page appears! and my comment is gone!!! what the!!
We live in a crappy time of emerging technology,with scripts and data technicalities,file types,boxes to fill..it should all be automated! this comment should be written without me typing on a keyboard,just thinking it..man I’m way off topic here
so back to topic..how to pick up a blogger chick with 5 comments or less..oh..wait thats not it
so there are two things here that you have to differ:
1. is that a man Choose not to be with an intelligent independent woman, there is no fear here but he wants to avoid too much analytical thinking of her part which brings in headaches (I have talked about this before with u madas) the thing is, now the more I get to talk and click with an intelligent woman,the more my standards change,hell I’m thinking beauty might not be No.1 standard of all afterall..on a second thought Naa
2. men who actually are intimidated,fear of the successful intelligent woman, what he does not understand is that this woman even if she is a prime minister,even if she makes 10 times his salary, at the end of the day she comes home to her family,performing her duties,has the same needs and priorities like any other woman,and a plus for being intelligent,she understands all situations well,and would not undercut her husbands role or ego.
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Madas Reply:
October 20th, 2008 at 20:02
Sorry about your comment… it actually upsets me when this happens to me… it is worse with emails
now… you can’t pick up a blogger chick in 5 comments or less… Mr. Man.. you need to do the man thing…which is much much more to pick up a chick (they are not called chicks by the way, and they don’t get picked up
)
I honestly think that non-intelligent women bring many more headaches… just ask any of your married friends and they will conform that… marrying a smart woman is much better on all accounts… being smart or strong does not necessirly mean taking her husban’s place… it means supporting him, and being there for him
Anyway… This is a trully long discussion
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mr.anonymous Reply:
October 22nd, 2008 at 14:03
true it is a long discussion, check this long page!
you’re telling me they’re not chicks and they don’t get picked up?
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42444000/jpg/_42444206_chicks_ap416.jpg
I will rephrase my joke,in terms that won’t offend you “smart intelligent woman,see where I’m going?”.
How to get to know a blogger woman in real life,using a few comments,on her blog.
by the way the “5 comment rule” does not apply to you,since I have commented a lot here,including attempts for you to ask for my number and invite me for dinner..ok I’m lying I know its vice versa but I’m trying to give myself some credit here for my failed attempts.
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Madas Reply:
October 22nd, 2008 at 14:23
Ya Mr. Anonymous,
There is only one rule, you want to get to know a person, you need to tell her who you are.
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mr.anonymous Reply:
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:30
oh ok,I get your hidden message between the lines.
come to think of,its not much hidden..you did tell it me directly like a dozen times..hmmm
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Love your blog! Just discovered it too
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Madas Reply:
April 1st, 2009 at 07:35
Ahlan wa sahlan
please visit me again 
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I am empressed about the topic, really brainstorming. I am a woman who find it difficult to have a man of my level. I am not that “intelligent and smart”. I only have two bachelors degree and three masters degree, a captain in the army of my country and a 6th dan martial artist. Huh! Sad to say until now i have no boyfriend. Nobody dares!
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Well good for you on your achievments…
believe me many women face the same issues all over the world… you are right most men don’t dare… then all of a sudden you meet somene who is oblivious to the soial norms… he would be completely understanding and supportive… hope you find him soon.
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Yes they are ! is2aleeni ana!
cave-man theory lol reminds you of something?
v nice post
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Haha! This reminds me of my last days in Jordan before going abroad to do my PhD. I informed my colleagues at work that, at last, I was taking the big step. Of course they were like: “you’re getting married at last?!” Haha, nope, even better: my PhD!!! I will never forget the horror on their faces, “NOOOO!” said one of them, “no man will marry you now!” and the other advised me, “Wait till you’re married and THEN do a PhD, no man wants to marry a woman with a higher degree than himself.” Guess that explains why my Master’s degree holder ex dumped me. Mind you, he was British.
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Madas Reply:
September 11th, 2009 at 19:33
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I am sorry but I read a few of your posts, and I have to say your argument is unconvincing and the worst I have seen in a while, first you claim Jordanian men look for the quiet shallow and simple types.
I have met that argument time and time again and what women need to realize that different men have different tastes. Just like you thought you needed a provider then decided you needed a friend, a lot of men think they need something then realise they want something else. For every single smart and powerful woman I know, I know at least ten married smart and powerful woman.
Getting to know the facts needs studies and statistics. Let us assume that as many readers agree you are on to something. Allow me to hypothesize, I have heard a huge number of female of doctors, lawyers and engineers saying that they will only get married to a man with “similar or better” qualifications. That immediately cancels 95% of the population.
Marriage in Jordan is a silly little game, I have a MENSA IQ, make 50K a year and am very active on many arenas but some females I know insist that they are intimidating to me because they hold a certain degree.
smart and powerful is sexy and attractive to most men, however arrogant and demanding is what it translates to.
Thanks
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Madas Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 18:12
Thank you for your comment… let me understand what you are trying to say here… not all men are the same? I already know that
i am not sure we disagree… i am not trying to say that men choose quiet types, or that they are intimidated by smart strong women, i am asking a question and different people answer it differently… so it seems like your answer is that men are not… great… thank you for the answer
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well im an engineer and i met a jordanian/palestinian guy who i just love, hes like the guy you dream about your whole life and dont ever expect to actually meet… and he is proud of my academic achievements etc.. and actually wants me to do a masters degree ..so the theory that they like stupid women is invalid but i guess exists in some cases and has to be based on the individual-however, since we have gotten more serious as in he wants to marry me ASAP he totallllly freaks out if i do anything he doesnt like which is basically anything non submissive like talk with an attitude or argue with him or curse lightly and frankly i dont know if i want to marry him now because of his controlling personality seeing as I am a very fiesty redhead lol who doesnt like fighting but likes expressing myself… marriage is for life and i want someone that i can say how i feel openly to. and fyi i am very knowledgable of islam and the arabic culture and dont do anything bad that most americans do {drink, gamble, premarital sex…i dont even eat pork} but come onnnnn if i want to call a girl a bitch please let me!!!!! bottom line here is (because i know im starting to ramble- its late lol) i think western people are attracted to the values that eastern/mid-eastern people have, i know i am anyways… but their tribal mentality/traditions have trickled through the years and still linger are getting in the way of relationships succeeding like mine and many others. i hear of so many divorces of white women and arabic men after maybe 10 years and its soo sad! and i think the root cause is that we (american women) are soooo used to total and absolute freedom and when we get there we just feel suffocated because its so different. but the arabs shouldnt be the ones labeled as controlling because im sorry but americans need to be less skanky showing off everything all the time, 12 year olds half naked at the mall with no parents… im scared to raise my kids here frankly! so there is a delicate relationship between the two cultures and its a system of give and take i guess.
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test:-)
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hey guys,
i find this forum very interesting. well, im asian and im married to a jordanian guy for one year now. i’m 25 and he’s 31. he’s highly educated (i must say he was a geek all throughout his student life), acquired his masters and ph.D abroad, and mashaallah he has a very decent position in his job in a corporate world. i was always amazed by his educational attainment and his professional background, and i feel so lucky and blessed that god has given me a man like him.
the best thing about him being a top-smart guy is that, when he wears his suit going to the office, it seems to me as if he’s someone you can’t approach or joke to, coz he really looks serious and decent that sometimes it would just pop into my mind like ” hey, didn’t i just play xbox with this boy last night? and didn’t he just fart and burped after we ate?” LOL!
on the other hand, i’m also a degree holder and i’ve worked for 3 years before we got married, and since then i just became a fulltime housewife. he told me what he wanted for a wife, someone who would take care of him and his home, and raise his kids the way his mom raised him. i must say that, yes, he’s a momma’s boy, but i have nothing against that ‘coz i admire his mother for raising such a gentleman and a decent man. and mind you, i have to admit that, yes, i’m also a smart and an intelligent woman, even at my young age, though not trying to be conceited or arrogant here, i do have a rich brain on top of my richer heart. i believe that smart girls are attractive to men and the latter do appreciate a lot when she can bring out an intellectual conversation and stir up the man of his mind, not just because of her physical beauty but also her cerebral asset. as far as my observation goes with my husband, i think he’s the type of guy who wants a simple life, a traditional one. he doesn’t want a wife who has her own career, for his reasons that: he wants someone to wake up with him in the morning, prepare his clothes and breakfast before coming to work; wait for him to come back home and have lunch together; maintain a clean and comfortable home; and most importantly, to raise his kids and never depend on getting a housemaid to do so.
because i love my husband very much the way he loves me too, hands down, i obeyed him and i’m very happy and contented being a housewife, a mother, a friend, and a lover to him
so, to sum up my long story, hehehe, i guess it’s a relative case for men on how they see or perceive women who are smart, career-oriented and highly competitive. it’s just a matter of personal needs, priorities, that a man would set his criteria on what kind of woman does he want to marry. not because he is insecure that’s why he doesn’t like a competitive woman. and also not because he’s an egocentric person that he doesn’t want a partner who can overpass him in some other ways. a man, whatever race he is, wants to feel that he is the man in his house, and the wife should remain as the woman that she should be.
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Well it really depends on the person. If you’re used to being in power, you would want someone you can have power over, unless you like the idea of someone having power over you. And I’m not talking sexual stuff here. But it’s true. It depends on what each person needs and what completes him, how he was raised, what she/he saw a man/woman as while growing up. And the preference spawns from there.
So think about how most of the Jordanian men were raised.
That’s what I believe.
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Madas Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 14:21
thank you for your comment, I think you are probably right. some men like strong women, but most women don´t and it is mostly cultural, gender roldes and so on.
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