His problem is that he does not beat me up!
No, this is not the wailing of a delirious woman… in fact, this was a perfectly calm conversation taking place at a flawlessly respectable place in Amman, while Diala and I were staring at the hills of Ashrafiah shimmering in the velvety sunset.
I have been begging Diala (an assumed name) to go out for a quite a while now…. between her two children, her petulant husband and her demanding career, she has gone incommunicado… Diala’s husband (lets call him Fadi) is a nice guy. They met at work and they liked each other… when he proposed, her family scanned him closely, and found him perfect in every respect. Good family, good manners, good financial position, good looking. Even us, her friends, we simply adored him, he is funny, witty, helpful and smart…
However dark clouds started appearing over their marriage less than a year after they got married…
While he needs someone to serve him, she needs someone to spoil her. He is very domestic but she is clueless when it comes to cleaning and cooking… He has a streak of sadism that would stay dormant if a strong partner stepped in; she is simply weak. After a while concerning patterns appeared between them. His sadism has been feeding on her weakness… and her depression has been feeding her vindictiveness.
From an ordinary point view, they have the perfect image,… Their family portrait could be published in a magazine! but when someone digs deeper… oh boy!
She has been avoiding not only us (her friends) but also her family because Fadi humiliates her subtly in front of us; he makes fun of her and calls her names, he acts arrogantly, does not take part in family events… so she feels embarrassed and prefers not to see anyone. This is called Isolation. She, on the other hand withholds affection. She puts him down, and discounts his accomplishments. This is part of emotional abuse. He controls money, does not give her access to their joint bank account, spends family income without her consent, registers everything in his name, even though they both work… Surprisingly enough this is also a type of abuse; it is referred to as economic abuse. They both use children to relay messages, they use them to make each other feel guilty…
The one thing they don’t do is physical abuse…Diala regrets that fact…
His problem is that he does not beat me up! If he did then we both would be forced to acknowledge the problem …
I got so angry hearing Diala’s troubles that I had to go out and take a walk. I understood exactly how she feels… I am just amazed at how many people are in abusive relationships without even being aware of it… and I am talking about both men and women…
On a relevant note… I was talking to my counterpart at Sahab… she was explaining that people are in love with the series “Nour”… because it made us see that we are emotionally barren …
I wonder if this is the result of our educational system? Culture? Society? Religion? What is it exactly?
Hello,
I have not visted your site for a long time, I like the new theme. It might be difficult to believe it, but sometimes, people who are in an abusive marriage, just don’t see it. and some other times they don’t want to see it, because they are afraid of the consequences.
Your friend is probably not aware that she is being abused, and even worse she might not be aware that she is abusive herself. It is a vicious cycle.
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Hey Rose,
Thank you for your comment. I guess you are right… it was surprsing to me to see how inncocently clueless my friend was. They both are as a matter of fact. I mean her husband is a nice guy…
The thing is that they are so different fromeach other… sometimes i wonder how people don’t see things before they get married… i don’t get it.
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This is a disturbing hidden abuse,and they live like this every day?
I blame it on lack of maturity,each is not respecting their role in the marriage,maybe him more than her.
I hope things get better for them,and for all people with these hidden abuses.
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Mr. Anonymous,
For the lack of a better name… what is surprising is that a lot of people live like that…more people that you imagine…
I don’t know if it is more his fault.. he said on several occasions when we talked about this.. she lets me do these things to her… if she stopped me from the begining i would not have done these things… i find him repulsive when he says this… but maybe he is right… maybe it is her fault for not imposing respect?
I don’t know…
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“He has a streak of sadism”
I’m not sure what exactly you meant by the above statement but if it is what I’m thinking about; I hope that the sadistic behavior doesn’t on the long run turn into masochistic one.
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Hatem,
Let me explain what I meant. For me in my understanding of sadism is when someone derives pleasure as a result of inflicting pain on others… I have known Fadi for quite a while now, and i know that he enjoys seeing people squirm…
I just looked up what is Sadism in Wikipedia to check what charachteristics apply to this person
* Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.
* Has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.
* Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological suffering of others (including animals).
Which are all things that apply to him.. i suppose this is what i meant
I don’t know about the other part… and honestly i don’t want to know 
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