A Culture of Secrets and Punishment
What motivates me to write today is that I have sadly lost a friend. The moment I walked into the place where I was supposed to meet him, after months of being away. This friend told me that our friendship came to end.. it is sad but it is true. I was so shocked from his greeting… but talking about it was pointless… his mind was made up… he is stubborn about his decisions and about his friendships and that was that.
I left the place feeling completely upset… I could not not understand what was I being punished for… I felt his reaction was too strong for whatever I have done… because a reaction this strong is only worthy of a big crime… and as far as I know I have not committed any crimes towards him.
My friend was punishing me for the way I function… needless to say I felt it was unfair… but let me explain a bit. I am one of those people who need some time off from the world every now and then… my life is so rich, so full of people, of colours of experiences of misery and stories ( which comes as a result of my work as a youth worker and anthropologist) that often, I need to shut down to make sense of it all… That is not the worst part about me.. but I am the type of person who gets completely absorbed into things… and then when these things are over I move on to the next things, only to get completely absorbed by them.
This is very difficult to handle…I admit that, and maybe that explains why I was never good at keeping friends… they can’t handle my lapses of silence, my need to be away, to shut the world out… I always come back. But often, when I come back they would have moved on, and no longer have a place for me in their lives… I have a few good friends though… I am not sure if they are the ones who don’t get affected, or the ones who have a more balanced relationship with me or they are the ones who are too busy with their own lives that this type of relationship suites them as much as it suites me…An example of this is my silence on blogging… I just needed to be away… and when I need to be away… I need to be away, a bit like a baby maybe when she is first born… she sleeps a lot, because she sees things and then needs to sleep to deal with them… ( this is psychology 101)
My friend… lets call him Nader, has been very important to me in the last few years, he was very generous and very supportive, he gave and gave and gave… but I was unable to match his giving, and therefore he just could not handle it anymore, he decided to downgrade me to an acquaintance… yes… what Marguerite Atwood says in her Blind Assassin is true ” the other side of selflessness is tyranny”… in a way I understand…
But what baffles me is this culture of punishment that we come from, where we feel that we have the right to punish people for doing things, or for not doing things. For saying things or not saying them, for acting in a certain way or maybe not acting in a certain way… I guess this is why a lot of us have compartmentalized lives… where we never reveal ourselves completely, we keep secrets about our true feelings, or true needs or desires or dreams from the closest people, from our best friends… we somehow know that if we don’t measure up to their expectations we will be punished… I guess it is in all cultures.. but it is very sharp and colourful in our culture… it has a RED ORANGISH colour that stands out sharply within the smooth colours of our days…
Is it something that we inherited from our Bedouin ancestors, where a mistake meant life or death? or maybe religion? And then we internalized as a culture and inherited the attitudes generation after genration?
No resolutions… I feel sad.. but I need to concentrate on my thesis… it is due in a couple of weeks and I still have not written one word… the knowledge is there though…. I will make it… there is no other choice.
On a lighter note… I am rereading the Blind Assassin… one of the books that I loved a few years ago when I read it the first time… it was harsh… very harsh… but was so beautiful, so human… it touched me to the core… I am not disappointed… I love it even more this time around. To Nader I will light a candle… maybe one day he will learn how to accept me and love for who I am and not for he wants me to be.
I loved this post M, even though it makes one sad! but then again you’d expect that I would, right?
Lina, if there is one person who would actually feel this post… it would be you! I am sorry things are like that… but what can we do? there is a price to all the great things that we have… and maybe this is the price that we have to pay for being so blessed and lucky with the lives we both lead… do you know what i mean?
hugs
From your very brief description of Nader, it is hard for me to form much of an opinion regarding his decision to downgrade his relationship with you. I think possibly there may be a male/female dynamic involved. It can be difficult for men and women to be “just friends”. Perhaps, at some level, Nader was hoping for more. Or, it could be that he felt that he was always there for you when you needed comforting, but you were not often there for him when he needed support from you.
I think that a true friendship, or a healthy relationship that goes deeper than friendship, is founded upon what psychologists call unconditional positive regard. Part of this sort of regard involves a mutual acceptance of one another as they are. Also, the relationship is such that caring or love will always be present regardless of ups and downs, or other challenges that may present themselves.
It is always painful for me to lose a friend, so I hope that Nader will one day accept and love you as you are too!
Hi David,
I am not sure. I think a bit of both maybe, although I have known Nader almost all my life, and that male female dynamic was never an issue. And we have sen each other though the different relationships.
As a matter of fact, I think it is more of the second… maybe he felt that i am not there, and it could be true since i don’t live in one place always… i live between places.
I like this positive regard… that is the base for a relationship as well..although you are ignoring the respect bit… in any relationship, three things should be available… one is respect, second is caring/love and third is admiration… funny, no?
Anyway… lets see what happens… i have not given up on him yet.
Hello again ,remember down stream flow ,frish and sparkling !!!! it is and should at least applies to me too when I respond with a comment for you .it has to within certain parameters ,helpfully precis ,and dearly close to the friend I have in you .For the moment I have many quick comments , but no ! I rather be late than be a standard ,I will definitely be back ,when my mind mature to suffice for something good for you .You know M, my day dreams hocked on date with a bird, cloud and an old tree .Once is concluded I will sure be back for you ,hold on and try not to be a snow man left out in the sun with nothing to do ,please don’t melt and keep The M I already know .(not KNEW)
Wow
that is an unexpected comment… The M you know or Knew is always there… no matter how she changes on the surface, the core is always the same… does not change.. i proved that to myself so many time, that i am not even worried anymore about changing… I am who i am and I am proud of who I am… so don’t worry the snowman needs a warmer sun to melt it…
I am happy to read your comment ,it is coming from the M .I perceived for the past years ,and delighted for your assurance ,yet my answer still under cooked ,so meal invitation has to wait ,hope you don’t mind your host for wanting you to be a star gust .instead I can give this for an horsd’oeuvre but for sure I will be back for an answer ,I finished my date with bird who decide as usual to immigrated ,and the cloud who sad to grouch black rain it a pollution not her fallout , I am on my way to the old oak tree >>>>her is your horsd’oeuvre: Pls click or copy and paste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
This is a video clip about a Buffalo that survives a lion attack ,it was filmed at the Kruger national park in South Africa , much to learn from this BATTEL ,that the Buffalo’s can teach us a good example of a behaviour
Back from my date with the old oak tree ,with her regards she asked to give this “Nadir ‘s syndrome that’s what I will call it , the affected person thrives to live on offering his help in very personable manner that is meant to full fell his hidden sick need for appreciation by others that what makes tick . The symptoms of such an illnesses are beyond manifestation there for very difficult to pick or diagnose ,except when the person become hostile and possessive to gain further and more than thanks and more and more personal favors of help , gain attention, sympathy, and comfort from a circle of people that he adopts as friends then close in on one that may fulfill his needs .And usually he is the type that will tell you never mind please don thank me or it is great pleasure to be of help to you In fact, such people have a distinct knowledge of your background and vulnerability to have others among your circles all are working as a group team , and you are a casual person ,that dose not mind being part of a group to achieve a sum of tasks , know how to engage others with delegating various tasks but Nadir as always he is around and pride himself to give endless help ,by that he is taking your thanks and receiving what makes him happy .. The role of a harmless “patient” is only familiar and comforting one yet
there is some controversy on the exact causes of such “Self Denial” syndrome, but an increased occurrence has been reported by health care professionals and close family members of people with a chronic illness such as manic depression.
If you are privileged to know him will ? check about his background ,you will find one very dominant parent that was affecting sever punishment on this “patient friend “ and turn him out to full fills a psychological need in people to thank him and always with a smile or a sing of appreciation . this syndromes is distenquished , in that patients are harmless to them selves ,or to others ,but in certain cases they can be possessive .
So M, you were not the predator ,but the victim ,you did not cross any binds of a friendship protocol ,you have your genuine self but Nadir was not ,he is the anomaly .
You are right, respect is very important, but admiration? I’m not sure if that is necessary in friendship. Can you explain what you mean by “admiration”? Admiration may be an important part of love though.
Hmmm, I am thinking about why I chose my friends. This is a very complicated matter and will take more thought (and remembering!). There are probably a lot of reasons why we choose our friends or why they choose us.
Yes you are right, I might have mixed them up… I am talking about realtionships! not friendship…
very nice post ! i know how u feel..
Good Morning
Thank you Madas very much for your comments in my blog.
i just discover your blog, its very intresting.
Mohammad Omar
Madas,
Time has a mysterious way of healing all wounds irrespective of their depth.As time go by you slowly but surely begin to forget, and someday soon afterwards you will completely forget.
Thank you, i love your blog… i enjoy it a lot
thank you for your words, i believe in what you say… and i will forget one day.
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