Watches and Umbrellas
I spent my evening couple of days ago discussing the state of affairs of a mutual friend with Sara. I called Sara at around 11 and then had to stop when I realized that my ability to focus diminished and my eyes almost closed. 2 hours have elapsed, but I did not feel the time, which does not surprise me since the topic at hand changed from interesting to super interesting.
Our friend Mayra (we call her Pansha sometimes) spent the last few years of her life in a relationship with a guy. She soon realized that the relationship lacked intellectual and emotional compatibility. However, for whatever reasons they continued together. The wall between them built which led to a separation. When we talked to Mayra she came up with a theory that she needs physical, emotional and intellectual compatibility. Her relationship with her partner lacked both emotional and intellectual compatibility.
Sara I discussed the intellectual compatibility issue, which we both found an interesting component in a relationship. Obviously I took Mayra’s side, and even though my friend understood Mayra’s point view, we still had a heated discussion about it. I could not shake our discussion from my mind for the last two days. I wondered about the degree of compatibility needed to ensure the success of a relationship. Does that mean that two people must like and dislike the same things? For example, since childhood I disliked wearing watches. I recently realized I dislike using umbrellas as well. Does my partner need to hate these two random items for a possible relationship to succeed? I understand the extremity of my example, but does the fact that we like the same books or we enjoy the same sense of humor, or even have passion for similar causes fall in this extreme category?
According to a study in India, similar intelligence between partners has a significant weight, since it helps in marriage stability and conflict resolution. Empirical studies (Blum & Mehrabian, 1999), (Botwin et al., 1997) have shown that there exists a low, but consistent positive correlation between intelligence levels of the two partners in a relationship. (Barton et al., 1972) on the other hand incorporated social-intellectual equality as one of the important factor in marital satisfaction. They report that when the partners have similar intellectuality, they tend to do something pleasing together; they agree that intellectual compatibility leads to a more stable marriage. On the other hand, studies show that there exists a direct correlation between intellectual ability and professional achievements. In these cases competition might exist between partners, which might lead to conflict. It also shows that if both partners have low intellectual abilities, the relationships tend to have more conflicts; therefore they agreed that at least one of the partners must have average intelligence and intellectuality for a relationship to succeed.
I talked to Mayra excited about the research I found; I wanted her to know that I finally understood her argument. However as we talked, we both realized that Mayra might have chosen the wrong term. Once we scratched the surface, something more important appeared; communication rather than intellectual compatibility.
Mayra and her partner lacked communication mechanism in their relationship. They did not talk; they did not have many things in common, which meant they did not do many things together; they would sit in silence when together. They spent half an hour talking about their day and then they would drift, each to their business, either a book or TV or computer, very soon. Her partner did not satisfy her emotionally, but neither did she. They did not know how to, and that left them frustrated and cold and disappointed. They soon realized that they started avoiding each other, a little bit like “a temporary matter” Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri.
Mayra cried while we talked and at that point we just stopped talking. She still needs to figure things out, and today I will light a candle for her.
On a last note, I wrote this post without using the verb to be as an exercise that Sara suggested to improve my writing skills. This method forces the writer (or speaker) to think differently, and often results in language that most people find easier to read. This definitely seemed true when I wrote this post. It took me more effort than writing usually does.
Hi Mariam, I enjoyed reading and thinking about this post!
I think that Mayra’s theory is basically sound. There are different levels of interpersonal compatability, and her three levels are good examples for discussion.
It seems to me that most couples begin their relationship on the basis of physical compatibility. A man might like a woman with a slim figure, for example, or a woman might like a man who is tall. Of course, there are dozens of physical characteristics that could potentially draw a man and a woman together to begin a conversation (I mean no insult to gay and lesbian readers). Physical attraction sometimes leads quickly to passionate love, or love making. (I say often, but what seems a general rule in my experience doesn’t necessarily mean that I agree with or personally follow such rules. For example, I feel strongly that a friendship should be developed prior to physical intimacy.) The couple now enjoys each other’s appearance and intimate physical contact. However, is that enough to guarantee the success of a future long term relationship. No, I do not believe so! Unfortunately, a lot of couples seem to get lost in the wonderful physical sensations of love making (or the addictive neurochemical release elicited by orgasmic climax, is that too technical?
) This induced state of natural high can really cloud good judgement. The physical aspect of the relationship is so enjoyable and satisfying that the couple then decides it would be a great idea to get married! Whoa now! Lets slow this freight train down before it reaches the deep gorge with the washed out bridge!! 
Well, I digressed into a bit of sillyness above, but I think my point is clear. I agree that there must be much more to a relationship than physical compatibility to have a chance for success over the long term. Emotional compatibility is a very broad term, I think. So, what are some examples that might fit this category? Well, some people like to lead, while others like to follow. One very old and popular stereotype about men vs. woman is that men should be dominant, while women should be submissive. (I don’t particularily agree with that. I have always been attracted to strong women.) So, if the man believes he should be dominant, but the woman hates being dominated, then a relationship with this dynamic is doomed to failure. What if a woman needs to be dominated, but the man is gentle and sensitive? Well, this match seems equally doomed. Ok, lets say that the balance of power equation is not an issue. Does the man listen to the woman if she needs to talk? Is he sympathetic to her point of view? Is the same true when the man needs to talk? Basically, is there mutual caring and a desire to be helpful and supportive to each other? If the answer is yes, then perhaps the relationship has a future on an emotional level.
Intellectual compatibility is also a very broad concept. If the man is a specialist in quantum physics and the woman is a hairdresser, whose knowledge of mathematics does not extend beyond banking shots on a pool table, could they get together and be happy? (Conversely, the man could be a rodeo cowboy, while the woman is a neurosurgeon.
) Well, the answer is possibly, but would they really be happy for the rest of their lives? I can’t say for sure, but I think the odds would be against it. Intellectual compatibility implies that the couple has a common body of knowledge, or at least a common ability to learn things at a similar level. It implies that they have a lot of interests in common, as well. Maybe both have a love for animals, or they both love to go to art galleries, or they both love similar music. These are points of common interest that can give the couple things to talk about. So, are there enough points of common interest? Or, is the couple willing to explore new intellectual areas with each other? What if the woman loves movies with subtitles? Is the man willing to try to enjoy such movies, even if he hates subtitles because they distract his attention from watching the action? (Well, I have to admit that I am like this man 
) What if the man loves to spend hours fishing? Is the woman willing to go and sit next to a pond and basically do nothing for a whole afternoon waiting for a fish to bite? (Fishing can be extremely tedious, but actually catching a big one can almost make the hours of waiting worth it! However, fishing is not high on my list of fun dates 
) Ok, lets say that the couple enjoys talking with each other about a wide variety of subjects and they like to try new things in each other’s company. These are good signs of intellectual congruity. 
At this point the couple seems well suited to be together. But, should they get married? Well, there is more to life that just sex, understanding, and having fun together. Unfortunately, there are practical questions such as who is going to work and earn the money to pay for food, shelter, and possible offspring? If both of the potential partners work, does it matter if one earns a lot more than the other? Are they willing to share the money equally with each other? If there are children, will one parent stay home to care for them, will the parents take turns caring for the children, or will the children to shuttled to day care? Who will clean the house? Who will cook the meals? The list of practical questions goes on and on….. So, can the relationship succeed on the practical level? Well, this is really the hard part! Sex is easy. Understanding and mutual interests are either there, or not, from early on, but actually making a life together requires a lot of hard work and a willingness to cooperate and compromise!
Well, I have spent a lot of time talking about some of the technical points of your post. However, I would like to say a few words for your friend Mayra. I hope that the pain she is feeling will not last long. I also hope that she will meet a man that she feels really comfortable being with. I wish her the best of luck!
I am not sure that I could write without using the various forms of “be”.
I salute your effort! 
I relate to Mayra ,not in experience as much in understanding the freedom and maturity of individuals in an ambiance of learning by reading and understanding one’s self through the intellect we acquire through years of understanding things the way they stand and appear to us and that is smart , in the past we use to call it a mid life crises , but now we find that to have “A” partner is not the quest for to over come needs of nature being life and what one demand from a partner is no more the presence of the opposite sex , as much as the reciprocal intellect food for thought ,is this a phenomena ? no this a maturity and high level of ones self understanding .it is like a choice to spend an evening with an interesting book ,or watching a colorful TV program with all the fan fare , what would you chose ? and how many nights your are willing to keep the choice .That is the second level Nirvana if you find the partner that match such standards or solitudes.