February 23, 2007
Watches and Umbrellas
I spent my evening couple of days ago discussing the state of affairs of a mutual friend with Sara. I called Sara at around 11 and then had to stop when I realized that my ability to focus diminished and my eyes almost closed. 2 hours have elapsed, but I did not feel the time, which does not surprise me since the topic at hand changed from interesting to super interesting.
Our friend Mayra (we call her Pansha sometimes) spent the last few years of her life in a relationship with a guy. She soon realized that the relationship lacked intellectual and emotional compatibility. However, for whatever reasons they continued together. The wall between them built which led to a separation. When we talked to Mayra she came up with a theory that she needs physical, emotional and intellectual compatibility. Her relationship with her partner lacked both emotional and intellectual compatibility.
Sara I discussed the intellectual compatibility issue, which we both found an interesting component in a relationship. Obviously I took Mayra’s side, and even though my friend understood Mayra’s point view, we still had a heated discussion about it. I could not shake our discussion from my mind for the last two days. I wondered about the degree of compatibility needed to ensure the success of a relationship. Does that mean that two people must like and dislike the same things? For example, since childhood I disliked wearing watches. I recently realized I dislike using umbrellas as well. Does my partner need to hate these two random items for a possible relationship to succeed? I understand the extremity of my example, but does the fact that we like the same books or we enjoy the same sense of humor, or even have passion for similar causes fall in this extreme category?
According to a study in India, similar intelligence between partners has a significant weight, since it helps in marriage stability and conflict resolution. Empirical studies (Blum & Mehrabian, 1999), (Botwin et al., 1997) have shown that there exists a low, but consistent positive correlation between intelligence levels of the two partners in a relationship. (Barton et al., 1972) on the other hand incorporated social-intellectual equality as one of the important factor in marital satisfaction. They report that when the partners have similar intellectuality, they tend to do something pleasing together; they agree that intellectual compatibility leads to a more stable marriage. On the other hand, studies show that there exists a direct correlation between intellectual ability and professional achievements. In these cases competition might exist between partners, which might lead to conflict. It also shows that if both partners have low intellectual abilities, the relationships tend to have more conflicts; therefore they agreed that at least one of the partners must have average intelligence and intellectuality for a relationship to succeed.
I talked to Mayra excited about the research I found; I wanted her to know that I finally understood her argument. However as we talked, we both realized that Mayra might have chosen the wrong term. Once we scratched the surface, something more important appeared; communication rather than intellectual compatibility.
Mayra and her partner lacked communication mechanism in their relationship. They did not talk; they did not have many things in common, which meant they did not do many things together; they would sit in silence when together. They spent half an hour talking about their day and then they would drift, each to their business, either a book or TV or computer, very soon. Her partner did not satisfy her emotionally, but neither did she. They did not know how to, and that left them frustrated and cold and disappointed. They soon realized that they started avoiding each other, a little bit like “a temporary matter” Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri.
Mayra cried while we talked and at that point we just stopped talking. She still needs to figure things out, and today I will light a candle for her.
On a last note, I wrote this post without using the verb to be as an exercise that Sara suggested to improve my writing skills. This method forces the writer (or speaker) to think differently, and often results in language that most people find easier to read. This definitely seemed true when I wrote this post. It took me more effort than writing usually does.
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