Ethical Dilemma
I have been faced this ethical dilemma at work that had kept me awake for the last few days…. I was not sure at all what the right thing to do is, and I felt tortured about it.
I have been volunteering with an organization that deals with refugees. When I go in the morning, nothing at all can possibly prepare me for what will happen during the day. Few weeks ago, a woman who speaks Arabic showed up at the door can’t say which country, because that won’t be ethical! Since I have to hide her identity! Anyway, since I am the only one who speaks Arabic I was summoned to do the honors of translation.
This lady says that she is living with her daughter, and the daughter is getting married and does not want her in the house. Then she started narrating to us a story after the other about how bad her daughter is. I was appalled by the human race… how could someone do this to their own mother? I wondered. Dragging her mother all the way to a foreign land and then leave her to wither alone without love or care and simply disown her! I was fuming thinking that the daughter is the bitchiest thing I have ever heard of!
Obviously the old lady is not entitled to any benefits here since she is on a visitor’s visa and since the benefits are linked to the immigration status. The only thing is that she can do if she does not want to end up in the street is to go home, she cried when we told her that, saying that if she goes home, she will be in the streets, there is no social system in place, no family to take care of her…she will be worst off than she is here. … I cried with her, I was upset and disappointed at how unfair this whole thing is…
We wrote her daughter a letter, asking her to apply for her mother as a dependent, and that she will have a good chance to get an indefinite leave to remain in the UK. And I asked the lady to tell me what happens with the letter. She called me few days ago, telling me that the daughter received the letter and tore it up to pieces and threw it in the garbage. I called her this weekend to check up on her, she told me she wants to call her er other kids but she does not know how to use the card. So I suggested that I will call them and get them to call her.
At this point I started feeling that she is a bit confused, on several occasions I told her things and have a feeling she does not understand me, so I asked her to repeat what I told her… she would repeat it and then ask me again something that made me feel she did not understand a thing.
I called her daughter and I wish I did not!
I was prepared to be talking to a bitch, since the lady hates her kids… and I found myself talking to this charming, very well mannered and well educated lady. We talked a bit, she told me when her mother went to England she was simply seduced by the culture. She begged me to convince the mother to go back to their country. She does not speak the language, does not know how the culture or the system? How will she take care of herself when she is 77 years old and she can’t walk or hold things? In their country, the daughter told me that her mother owns a house and has two daughters and one son, among them; they can take care of her. She can come and visit their sister in the summer if she wants,
Lastly I told her but ya Madame, your sister can apply for her and she can go live on her own . The lady completely surprised by saying yes I read the letter that you guys sent… The cynical me did not believe her since her mother told me that the other daughter has threw it in the garbage in pieces… so I asked her to read… and she read it to me!
So here I was facing a confused woman, who is lying but probably does not know that she is, and who wants to stay here and she is fighting for it. Her husband was nasty, and maybe she loves it because she loves her independence… The point of this all somehow I managed to find myself in a situation where I was the spokeswomen who was assigned on her case. Responsible people called me to ask me about my opinion! And I found myself being challenged not knowing what to recommend. Send this woman back home before her visa expires and this way she can always come back for a visit, or fight for her but meanwhile she will be living in a shelter where there is sickness, hunger and coldness …but if she won, and if she was alive by the time she got her papers, then maybe then she can have her independence?
Volunteer jobs are not always easy aren’t they?
We have plenty of refugees from Africa in Arizona most of them are from Sudan, Somalia and Rawanda, you can hear some aweful stories about how they were beatne up, raped and shot several times and it’s really amazing how some people make it
Ahlan, Ahlan, long time no see… well actually yu are right some of them come up with horrific stories, some of these stories are true and some are not like the case of this lady. But i know what you mean… i have young people, who have been traveling for weeks in tanks, hidden among meat or dead people or any other number of horrible scenario… actually i wonder how can they be sane after all this.
Mariam, this does indeed sound like a very difficult ethical dilemma! First, I would like to say that I think it is wonderful that you are trying so hard to help this woman. You are a very caring person! It is hard to know what is the best thing to do in this situation. I certainly do not know the right answer, but I can give you a few things to think about that I hope might be helpful to you.
You have observed that this woman seems confused and that she has apparently lied to you, but she may not realize she is lying. It might be that she is experiencing some symptoms of dementia. For example, she may be developing Alzheimers, or some other form of age related mental decline. Although her status is that of a visitor, is there any way that she could be evaluated by a psychologist? It seems possible that she may not be fully competent to make decisions that are in her best interest. If that is true, then it may be necessary for her children to make decisions for her, such as whether or not she should return to her country.
I don’t know anything about the laws of England with respect to the elderly, but in the U.S. it is a very difficult process to have an elderly person declared incompetent. I agree with those laws. The right of a person to decide what is best for themselves is very important! However, my mother’s father became incompetent late in life. It was sad to watch him decline like that, but my grandmother, my mother, and my aunts were all there to help him. He trusted all of them, so things went pretty smoothly. At least he got the care that he needed and he didn’t object or resist. It sounds like a very different matter with the woman you are working with though. It seems like she may object very strongly if her children try to do what they think is best for her.
I really hope that you will be able to find a solution to this dilemma! If it is possible, I hope that you will be able to enlist the help of an expert like a psychologist or medical specialist. My impression is that some expert guidance may be needed in this situation. I wish the best of luck to you, this woman, and her family in finding an ethical resolution!
Madas, my heart goes out to you! I work with refugees too, and so often they resort to lying about anything just to get ahead, losing their dignity even further in the process.
I’m not sure I trust the daughter, either. but th e goal for me was always repatriation…and since this woman is not going back to jail, a death sentence, military service that means a death sentence; get her on a plane.
Call her country’s embassy..get someone from there to see her, take her yourself if you need to, and let them take over..either by sending her back home, or arranging some kind of a setup for her family to actually take care of her in the UK, retirement home or something.
David,
Thank you for your advise, i took it seriously, we have scheduled an apointment for her this week to determine her mental evalutation… honestly for her sake i am praying she will be ok. I know what i will say is horrible… but i have been involved in other cases, two of them are two young women who have been through hell because of all this immigration… and i feel that i have been giving them more priority. it honestly makes me wonder why… but i feel that they are young and they still have life in front of them, and they need help more than this lady, who has the resources but might be confused and does not know about it… i mean i am still working on the case… but i feel i am more inclined to invest more of my time in them… which makes me feel a bit bad… do you understand what i am trying to say?
Kinzi, i thought orphans are the worst breed ever, now i think that refugees are several degrees worse! i don’t mena that in a bad way… but these people have it tough! every time someone leave the office, i feel that i should pray for them. then someone else comes and i feel they need more prayers… I just sometimes wonder why does God allow all these people to suffer? why does HE help?
Some of these people have been smuggled in tanks, some of them have witness their mother’s rape, some of them have been watching when their entire families have been shot… why Kinzi… why?
well, now a refugee organization have taken over, they will arrange a meeting with her daughter to ee hat will happen next. Do you know what is the funniest thing… every time a groom presents himself to the daughter she creates problems to push them away… and finally she went and introduced her daughter to someone… and the daughter feel for him! which drove the mother crazy… now she is working her magig to itafshoh!
Mariam, I do understand what you are trying to say. Your time is limited so you must make some choices about how you invest it. I don’t think that you need to feel bad, though, about the older woman. You have done a lot to help her, and you have given her the chance to be seen by an expert who can help her further. I think that her children should be grateful that their mother was helped by such a caring person as you!
I hope that things will turn out well for the two young women that you are helping also!