The witches in Amman
There is something that BOTHERS and IRRITATES me in some of the Ammanite Women; especially the well achieved, smart ones. Who worked hard and actually managed to make it. I mean behind it all I do admire them and that they made it against all the odds… but there is a problem; many of them are bitches! Truly bitches, they work against each other, backstab each other and compete at every level. As long as no one is better and as long as none of them surfaces higher than the others then everything is ok. This phenomenon becomes worse when there are younger women in the picture. The typical attitude being ‘Banat akher Zaman think that they can come to our level!’ which translates to the girls of these days think they can come up to our level.
However the phenomenon is seen at all age groups in Amman. Fierce competition, insecurity, especially if they are unmarried, and I am not sure whether marriage has anything to do with it. Obviously not all of the women are like that… but a lot are!
The thing is women in our society have puzzling attitudes; most women highly value female approval and friendship, relying upon each other for support and understanding. However there is also mistrust, dislike, and cruelty toward each other. We judge each other harshly, hold grudges, and gossip about each other very bitchily.
Let’s look into this scenario. Let’s ask any man to describe a woman. Men will usually make global statements. She’s tall. Pretty. Funny-looking. Women, on the other hand, dissect their subject into tiny fragments: “She’s got beautifully big eyes, but she wears way too much mascara, and her left eye is few micro-nano-millimeters bigger than her right one, but that is not as bad as my nose…..” well if that is not competition, then I don’t know what is?!
As some people know, I love the cave man analogy. I first became fascinated with this cave man thing, when listening to a mathematician. He is virtually one of the smartest people I know, and he was trying to explain to a common friend why her new born baby had a reflex actions as if he was going to fall down… he related that to the human- monkey theory, and how when we were monkeys, we fell from trees! The mother was offended that her cute son was in the same sentence with a monkey, and I thought that this was about the funniest thing I heard at that time of my life, most probably because of the personalities of these people Anyway…moving on swiftly….. Based on this analogy, competition between women is a survival instinct that developed at a very early stage. Women developed jealous feelings from other females to protect the male. Defending the male ensures that the mate stays around to help defend the offspring, and provide meat for the family. Also, it could be explained by natural selection. If a caveman is strong; his children will have a better chance in life. So feeling jealous of the “short skirt bimbo” may be the way of trying to catch the best male, and then keep him, so that the genes live on.
Shall I mention the incidents that triggered all this? Better not, as my grandmother says too many words won’t take nor bring back….I will go watch coast on BBC4… for some odd reason I find the presenter to be very attractive… could it be his long hair? I wonder…
This is too argumentative for me, I’m unable to understand what exactly are you trying to say.
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I agree with you about the whole direction women in this society are taking…its sad and pathetic and i’ve never seen it this bad anywhere else…
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Wow, Madas, you hit the nail on the head. I understand TOO well what you are saying. Very good point…I think polygamy is the root issue. Women can’t form close, trust-based relationships when potential friends are could become competition. We so need each other.
Hey, Madas, I am a blogger now and I posted the blogger article with your name in it from last April in VIVA. Ahlan wa sahlan!
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Mariam, have I told you that I really enjoy reading your posts?!
Your style is irreverant and insightful, both qualities that I admire!
I do not think that Ammani women sound any more bitchy than American women. However, I will admit that being a man is rather handicapping with respect to seeing and hearing the sort of behavior that you are talking about. When I am interacting with a woman, I am sure that she will show me a different face to the one that her female friends see. Maybe that is why I like your blog so much. Your honesty is very refreshing!
Are there a lot of men in Jordan that have more than one wife? I know that polygamy is practiced in some Middle Eastern countries. I also know that economics plays a role as rich men are more likely to have more than one wife. In America, polygamy is quite scandalous, except in some fundamentalist Morman communities. I am not completely against the idea of polygamy. However, I know that the theory of polygamy and the practice of polygamy are very different things. I don’t think that there are very many women who would be happy to share their husbands with another woman. A small percent of Americans enjoy what is called a swinging lifestyle (I have no personal experience!
). This is where married couples get together with other married couples and swap partners. This is not the same thing as polygamy though. It is more like having a brief affair with your spouses consent and approval. In polygamous marriages, I can see how there would be a lot of competition between the wives to be considered the top wife in the eyes of the husband. This sort of thing must be very bad for the self-esteem of the lower wives!
I think it is a shame that some of the women that you know are so competitive to the point of damaging their relationship with you! You are quite right that it is the women who form the deepest community bonds. At least that is the pattern seen in low-technology cultures. I think that part of the problem in our “modern” cultures is that people don’t live as a tribe any more. We live as small family units that are closed off from the rest of the community much of the time. Also, we are highly mobile in our searching for particular jobs or more money, so it is hard to form the very strong life long community and individual bonds that are characteristic of our low-tech ancestors. Still, there are small communities in which everyone knows everyone else, and the people there spend their whole lives in the small community. I wonder if the women are bitches in such little towns? Hmmm, I seem to be suggesting that Cave People were better adjusted that Modern People. I wonder?
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Thank you! that’s interesting, and certainly explains a few things i’ve noticed.
I can say that guys do the same, for different reasons.. and in a more practical way. Guys usually form temporary alliances to help each other achieve things, and a frequent ally can then become a friend. But they are still merciless at screwing each other over.
I think in your article you mix both general competition between peers and the special case of competition between women. I can’t clearly seperate the two.
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Ya Setti,
I love your post and you are so right on!
Just this morning I had a discussion with my b-friend (hate that word) about this subject. I told him that among women it’s super competitive and that it is quite commen to think that hey, she is pretty so she can’t be smart as well or the other way around. And if you happen to be one of those pure creatures that does have a pretty face and on top of that don’t make people pitty you for your looks than you usually intimidate men and women will hate you. However, I have to say that strong smart beautiful women generally respect other women who are like them.
I also like your reference to marriage. I noticed myself that married women often think they are all that just because they are married, but as the same time are very much watching out for other unmarried women in their territory as those might pose a possible threat. I guess that relates to what you described in your post.
I went to see a stand up comedian recently and he talked about the caveman idea. Basically he said that women are meant to collect things and men are to hunt. Transfered to modern society: woman cooperate and multitask and gather as much information as possible whereas men just single mindedly concentrate at pursing one thing on their own. There is a lot of wisdom in that!
Have a nice day and miss ya lots!
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THANK you for writting this Madas! It has been on my mind since ages!!
Your idea is totally clear, not too argumantive and not lacking argumative ideas, just perrrfect:)
Now to the subject, it has always been a puzzle to me why women react that way towards each other. Actually many times we would discuss this subject and compare female friendships to men friendships, I find hte latter to be way more ginuine and honest. Female friendships have always this superficial quality to it, how much you try to ignore it, its always there.
I recall a girl once telling me she doesnt greet another girl if she’s not well presented!
How that could be integrated with your suggested theory,I have no idea:p but it goes with the good image thingie and how maybe she wants to appear superior.
Anyhow, You take it easy, Im sure that woman or women who reacted that way towards you are just jealous and just are insecure deep inside:)
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you are 100% right !! i couldn’t agree more
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Hi Hatem,
I was in a flippant mood, but the point was trying to explain what drives the competition between women in our culture…the reasons i gave were based on a personal theory…it has no base in reality… it really is nothing to think about.
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i guess one reason to explain this is that Jordan in a very small place and everyone knows everyone… so we feel anything more intensly than if we were in other cultures… but i do think that peer competition ois everywhere…. anyway have a nice day
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wow… congratulatulations… we finally have you as a blogger… i will keep my eye on your blog… and can’t wait to read the article…
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Thank you for your comment. I was not trying to make a research about this phenomenon, but now i am really thinking seriously about it. Part of women competition if peer competition, but other parts i tried to explain here… however, there are surely more reasons… maybe i will look into that more and try to write a proper article about it
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Well David probably you don’t Enjoy reading my blogs as much as i enjoy reading you comments
they are always very informative and intelligent and full of life! you bet your ( i don’t know what a proper word to use here, so will leave it to your imagination!) that women show you different face that they show each other! i mean women could be a docile lamb around a man, and a bitchy cat around another woman (there was an episode in sex and the city with a maid who is absolutely lovely around the master and a snake when she is around the misstresses!) anyway… I would not be so against polygamy in our part of the world if it goes both ways! which means if a woman can have more than one partnet if the man wants to have more than one partner… but this one way man polygamy is absolutely unacceptable to me! ( this bit wiill be quite scandalous on my record!) but it is true… i HATE to share my mate with anyone, who would I? i can compete with any woman no matter how perfect she is, so no nead for him to go looking for something else… however as you say theory and practice are very different… relationships are complex and people do things for complicated reasons… to anwer your question, no not many men have several wives… it is seen as scandalous as well… but the thing is you see that in very poor areas usually! ( funnily enough) you tend to see it every now and then in rich families… but those would be extremely rare cases and these families would not have a good reputation. I like you last paragraph, you naiumed it really… i never thought about things this way… but maybe cave people did have better lives and adjustment that we do.
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Akh Ohud, yyou spoke my words! seriously… this female friendship Vs. Male friendship is something i always think about. I have always been jealous from my male friends… I always wanted to spend time among men who are friends to see how that goes… and unfortunatley most of my best friends are male! i have few female friends but they are non-Arabs!!! or have a non arabic mentality… fortunately thought… recently i met few people and some of the women I met are amazing and all think about the same things as i do… i guess what i am trying to say is that maybe now we are aware of this, we can actually start forming proper bonds with each other?
who knows… it has been a long day for me, i have been working in the garden and it is FREEZING out side… so my brain is a bit frozen now!
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Well thank for the support… hopefully we won’t have nasty competition for ever! a bit of competition is good for the sould though
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Ya sitti
it is always a pleasure to hear from you, i think you are right… the typw of women you talk about would respect each other… ( look at you and me…lol! that was a kincky!)except in one case if they are insecure about themselves… i love the cave man and woman! they were fantastic… smart resourceful… and honestly i believe these theories are true…
miss you as well… lets see when you will bring you b-friend to Jordan! love to both of you!
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Mariam, I agree with you that there should be no double standards between men and women! You might find this article about Polyandry to be interesting. It talks about examples in nature and among some cultures where one female is shared by more than one male. I learned that this was once a very common practice in Tibet!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyandry
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Oops, my link disappeared! Here, I will try again:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyandry
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Nothing would satisfy me more than hear the stories behind the post.
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lol Salam! I might jut as well say them… but then if someone reads them, i will lose my job on one story and then loose one of my good friends on the second one… but maybe i should think what the heck… ?
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