list of 3arees al Ghafleh- marriage out of convenience
T. came to spend couple of weeks with us. A young, beautiful musician who is living her life to the maximum. T. came like a breath of fresh air that definitely brought positive change to our daily routine. The first few days, she demanded to be left alone to enjoy some quiet and solitary time to “regroup and redefine herself” to quote her exact word.
T. literally spent these days walking between Bond street and Tottenham court Road, which happens to be one of the most famous shopping areas in the world! So YES a woman’s process of redefining herself, definitely includes a major redefinition of her wardrobe! We turned from residents to tourists with her; we have been walking around London, attending musicals and concerts and posing for pictures in front of every high building!!
On the fourth day, T. confessed that one of the reasons she came here is to think of a marriage proposal that is perplexing her. The guy is smart, successful, ambitious, extremely good looking, funny and from a very good family. There is one little problem though, she feels that he is not in love with her personally, but he is in love the high score she made on his list of requirements. When she explained this, the visual image that was created in my head was rather funny. Here I imagined him sitting with her in a romantic setting explaining his principals in life, asking her questions and ticking on a list in front of him. for some reason I just remembered all those guys explaining their principals in life to their girlfriends while walking in the gardens of jame3 il jam3a (the Mosque of the University). I wonder if the gardens still attract these romantic souls?? In our case, the perplexity comes because 3arees il ghafleh! is too good to pass, especially that her parents like him, and she is in the right frame of mind, since all her friends are getting engaged and she feels the social pressure.
I am one of those people who are really unromantic! I don’t believe in fairy tales and happily ever after. I believe that relationships need hard work to flourish, they need wise judgements and intelligent choices, but in this case I could not help wondering if two people made a very intelligent choice based on a very well defined list of requirements would that bring happiness to them? Would that be enough to ensure that the marriage would be successful? And where should a person draw the line of what is enough and what is not?! Just thought I should share….
I am reading one of the most intriguing studies ever, it is called Tearoom Trade. It is an eye opener to a shocking world I knew nothing about. And here I thought I am a cultured, well read individual… it is funny that being at school is a very humbling experience. It makes a person feel that the more she knows the less she really knows… perplexing hah? time to sleep… it is 2:30 AM and my eyes are closing on their own.
That is very funny. A romantic shopping list of sorts. I wonder how many other men also work this way when trying to build a meaningful relationship. I don’t think I would ever have a checklist when trying to decided whether or not someone’s right for me. Just imagine: “Sorry, sweetheart. This ain’t gonna work. You only scored a 7/10. But I know someone else who’d be perfect for you. Would you like his number?”
Reply
Unfortunately; a lot of men in the Arab world are still doing it this way .. why do you think I never married?
The most humiliating experience ever when 3arees ghafleh comes to your house and your mom asks you to enter with the coffee tray .. and he is sitting there staring at you and scoring in his mind what is already there and what he needs to change about you when you become his .. damn .. this is so bad!
I went through this only once and I never accepted to do it again no matter how they tried to convince me …
If only we have mature men .. those who see a life companion in a woman, not a bed companion …
nice post
Reply
I loved the post mariam. I personally believe in love and i guess once you meet the one you love there will be no ” How much did i score?” instead there will be ” How much do you care for me? “. I guess i will never fall for a guy i donno, i have to know him good enough to decide that thig guy will be able to share my life one day.
Reply
Well…first nice post Mariam as always….i believe its a combination of both heart and mind… i think “and i might be wrong” that if you were to emotional you will fail and vise versa, i just envy those people who could find that balance.
Khalidah: you were harsh on men stating they think of a bed companion only, when a man sees you for the first time how should he judge if she was the right person for him or not?? well of course he would have some standards in his head or some needs, some people like short hair other prefer blue eyes…etc….for me i don’t believe in specifying some certain criteria’s specially when it comes too the look…like some friends who said we would never marry except a girl with 1,2 and 3 and they married the totally opposite things that they specified and they are happily married.
Besides, what should he do when you come walking with that tray, stair in the ceiling !! well maybe I have been never their so I don’t know what it felt.
Reply
I think that your friend should go for the guy because it all boils down to this theme : I don’t necessarily care to know why you like me, it is enough for me to know that you do like me.
There could be 101 reasons why someone likes someone else, their wit, their smile, their education, their family, and so on and so forth.
Life is constantly evolving, every day presents a new experience and new challenge, so many of the reasons that the people marry for, be that love, money, or fame may at some point in the course marriage life fade away, or change, or become much less or much more that what it originally was.
For this reason a person must always be able to flex, to adapt, and to evolve with the situation.
Your friend says that the man has the essential ingredient, the basics, the outline if you will, and that should be enough for her to accept.
It seems to me that she is somehow involved in a another relationship and somehow she can’t let go of it and that may be the primary reason for her confusion.
I hope that I’m wrong but from what I read in your post, the man in that portrait is qualified to be your friend’s future husband.
Reply
Saad- that was exactly the sort of mental image that came to my mind listening to the story
But honestly i believe we all have certain requirements when choosing our life partners, and maybe if i could drop the sarcasm from this situation, I would realize that in a very indirect way, maybe this is how human beings think? I dont know honestly.
Khalida- I do know what you are saying and I do sympathize. However, i recently discovered that the man sitting there is going through the very same humiuliating emotional drama! only his ego could be hurt more because he is the one taking the step! I mean he is waiting to be scored or judged as well. This is why i dont support meeting people in this exact setting. It puts both parties under unnecessary stress…
Mira- My wish for you still is to find what you are looking for
Bashar- I tend to agree with you, it is indeed a combination. my grandmother always says marriage is like a closed watermelon! you never know how it is untill you try it! You could really get the partner of your dreams and be as miserabel as hell, and you could get some unexpected person and be very plesantly surprised!
Hatem- I am in no position to give my friend any advise and nor are you. I dont know the the guy, and you dont know either one of them. So there is very little room for either one of us to judge. Maybe this is not what she is looking in a man, maybe kindness and compassion rate higher than sucess and good looks… I dont know.
Women believe in instinct, and female intuition is seldom wrong (unlike male instinct… which we dont know anything about!) She is not sure because something is telling her, there is something missing. I dont know where the theory of another man is coming from… it is possible… but i did not even think of the possibility… could it be male intuition?
Reply
I had the opportunity to visit a tearoom recently (blush blush); the tearoom is a porn video arcade shop , near my town. The hallways and booths are without light. In the booth, TV screens show ten channels of straight porn and only one channel of gay porn. Outside each door, men stand silent, like Buckingham Palace guards. If a man walks in and enters a booth, the man at the door goes in there with him. As I was in a booth, a very cute older man walked in and started fondling me. I reacted, perfectly naturally, I thought (naïve old me) and gave him a little kiss. The man got upset and left in a hurry. Why, I wondered, does this man have no problem with wanting to give me a bl/jo, but have a problem with a little kiss?
Friends tell me that he is probably like one of Humphreys’s respondents. Married and closeted—he can get kisses from his wife. If he were out and proud, why would he be at a tearoom? I am inclined to agree; the stress in the whole space seems to be man-sex WITHOUT any assumption of a (stigmatized) Which is why one watches straight porn all the while through the act; which is why no words are spoken; which is why men keep a scowl on their faces through it all and depart hurriedly afterwards.I think it is the danger that gives the Aphrodisiacal effect .How did you come across this book ?I find Humphreys ,a pretentious fraud ,what do you think ?yet the time of the study such a trade was a taboo, not as now openly accepted and legitimized right smack where you live,even in those fancy high fassion streets /
Reply
Wow!
I am very impressed at the comment you have left me. An Arab from the Levant admitting that he has been to a tearoom says a lot about him. Mostly that he is adventurous, curious and quite well read! Why am i assuming that this is an arab from the Levant? i am one of those people who like to assign personalities to anonymous writers, mostly to be able to relate to what they say… i hope you dont mind
You are right, Laud is a pretentious fraud. A person who would commit three major unethical acts and be proud of them should definitely not be passed. (1- pretending to be a watch queen 2- take care numbers and seduce a policeman to tell him who they belong to 3- pretend to be a social worker and go into their houses is quite daring)
But who are we to judge? this book made me question my own ethics, what would I do in the name of knowledge? curiosity? love?
Reply
My dear lady ,you are not at fault for pursuing knowledge through books when you are prohibited by customs to do so ,I was prompted by sheer curiosity to visit a tearoom ,though I am a hetero sexual .But I strongly believe our sexuality is not determent physically or biologically ,but centuries ago we were bisexual at the inception of the human race ,only when religion stigmatized sexuality for the purposes of breeding through heterosexuality ,we did not only put a barrier on homosexuality ,but through the ages we oppressed and persecuted homo and bisexuality against our nature .
When we admire ,fancy or love one of the same sex Gender ,we feel guilt and fight to hide it ,as we are modeled by the norms stipulated by society .how many times you and I per say not nessesarely by actuality ,loved same gender at primary school for instance and desired them physically .
To days society is still is the slave of the religious authority .
Care to comment ,if not I understand your position ,I my self cant do it openly without a pseudo name .yes I am from the Levant ,but some how better exposed than your Levant average .How about you ? nice blog you seem to be a very articulate person ? dose it help you in life to be so .Salaams
Reply
My dear lady ,would you allow me for another comment on the core of your post ,you are lucky to have T. young, beautiful musician as a friend to confine in you , T. is a rare female from our east ,she has a good intuition to detect what is love from a marriage of convenience ,you are right not to interfere ,because the talented T a smart gal with intuition at the end she would choose what is good for her by her own criterium and be prepared to support her decision . the only thing you can do for her is simply tell her to go on use her instinctive intuition ,and she would not be wrong in her final choice .How often you come across such a specimen of a person who hold his choice tell he/she is satisfied that he/she is taking the right step ,mostly women they think with their brains not by the heart . not all what glitter is gold .
Sorry to have taken your space and time .But I admire T.
and her likes ,I wish I can learn from her not be as impulsive as I am .
Reply
Well… what you wrote makes sense… although i never thought about things in these terms… male sexuality is very different from female sexuality, in terms of women attaching value to sexuality that men tend to avoid. Obviously this is generalizing. I am doing a research for one of my classes about guilt attached to homosexuality and religion… it is inspired by a male friend who seems to be living in a constant conflict…. anyway… thanks for your comments.
Reply
If you please allow me one last comment ,with male sexuality there are two stages ,Ejaculation for breading sake ,which is often not the case as the pleasure associated with an orgasm that comes much later on higher stage in copulations , and this is sexual ,while female at all times it is orgasm ,in modern time it is ,the ambiance coupled by what we are in terms of social strata’s ,such is the role that makes us mesure modern sexuality be it that female productive period is 2 to 3 days of ovulation period a month ,while male is continuously .this is the aspect of freedom that inhibit sex practice .
Homosexuality into day is subjected the trend of social upbringing ,but such is rapidly changing with the change of of society .
I would refer you to the Kinsey report irrespective of how old it is ,interesting to scam through ,it may help you to set the structure of your study your ,you can check if you dont have at your Library :
http://www.indiana.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-data.html
mind you my dear lady ,the study was made in 1950 and conducted by Kinsey ,whom only studded/subjected samples , made exclusively of white, limited to college-educated Americans under age 35 yrs ,from the middle class . Despite the survey statistical limitations !!!, it remains by far the largest study conducted on human sexual behavior. But far from to date frankness Like sadomasochistic behaviors it was not taken ,up by him but referd to it as
Sadomasochism!!!!not homosexuality
Now for you forthcoming study you have to take and put some biology physiology , to understand and explain the sexual organs for both male and female to understand ,the relation between sexual Acosta’s pleasure/ext easy of orgasm for both genders .
I may be miss leading you in my write up ,as i am not an acclimation . the difference between ejaculation and orgasm ,you have to study the sexual and productive organs that perform dual acts .And more over why we still have a closet homosexuals like your friend ,try to talk to him ? you’ll be surprised to here how much he can volunteers .
By the way do you know homosexually is a standard normal practice in the animal world
Reply